Ask Rabbit: Sharing Sexual Desires & Needs

2010-02-04 – 09:41


Dear Rabbit White,

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for the past three years and recently moved in together. There is a five year age gap between us (he’s older).

When we first started dating, he had very little sexual experience and it was incredible fun to have sex with someone who didn’t have an already formed set of ideas about how their sex life with another person should be. He was open to having fun and exploring my sexual desires, needs and fantasies for the last three years. I have tried to satisfy and explore his sexuality but he refuses to share his needs with me.

I have tried discussing his fantasies with him and have often gotten the reply of ‘I don’t have any’ or ‘I don’t want to share mine with you’. Even then, when we are having sex, if I ask him what he would like, he always responds with suggestions which focus on my pleasure rather than his. While it is nice that he does focus on my orgasm, it also makes me feel really bad. To me, sex should be about taking and giving, and most importantly about sharing.

It has gotten to the point where I now am actually arguing with him about it because an important part of my sexuality is that I want to be able to please my sexual partner and being quite frank, I’m starting to run out of ideas to our sex life fresh. I know I shouldn’t argue with him about it but it’s just so frustrating to feel that your partner feels they can’t open up to you or that they don’t want to open up to you.

So I was wondering if you could shed some light on this issue for me.

Is it normal (I know that’s a pretty relative term in sexuality) for someone not to have any fantasies or to not want to share their fantasies?

How can I relate to him about my need to also satisfy him and my desire to also build an intimate relationship around sharing both our sexual desires?

Hope you can help,
D

Dear D,

I think your letter shows a huge amount of care and empathy about your significant other. Because of this, I am sure that with a little relationship work, this sexual part of your relationship will go far. So let’s address what you are dealing with, this is a personal issue of his.  Yet, it becomes an issue for you and I can totally see where this would be frustrating and upsetting on your end.

Before you can move forward with his issue, your own frustration must be addressed. If you hide it, it will inevitably bubble over into resentment, but if you don’t fully explore it, it will keep coming up when you try to talk about his experiences/feelings. You have every right to your feelings too, whether you are pissed, hurt, scared or whatever. Try journaling and focusing on the different parts that come up, perhaps linking to another time you felt this way.

Where you might be now is  in a cycle, when you press him about his fantasies, he shoots even further back inside. It becomes a dance, he pulls in, you react, he pulls in further, you react more. Stuck. It is time to stop this cycle.

There is something else that often happens when we get into these cyclical arguments, I’ll call it “the crunch.” This is the worst -case scenario idea that you have about your partner, the most extreme (negative) ideas of what they are really like.  When we are put into a “crunch” situation, this worst-case scenario is often highlighted. When you do finally talk to him about this issue, make sure it is not from “the crunch” fear but rather from a place of love, curiosity and empathy for your partner. I think that becoming comfortable with your own feelings and understanding how the cycle triggers you will help you to do this.

When you are in that place, ask him to talk. Take some deep breaths, tell him that you love him and then go.  Start by explaining the facts,these are the things that could be picked up by a video camera. Ex: “When we talk about fantasies, you don’t say anything and seem to shut off.” Next, bring up how you interpret that. Ex: “When you do that I interpret it as that you are uncomfortable with me and question whether or not you can trust talking with me about sex.” Next explain how that makes you feel. Ex: “That makes me feel lonely and scared about our sex life.”

After you’ve said your part, open the conversation up to him– about what he feels. When he begins to talk try to only use active-listening, rather than advice giving or weighing in on how you feel again. Active listening involves listening to the speaker, and repeating what they’ve said back to them. It is reflecting that you understand what they’ve said and clarifying the emotion behind their statement.  Here are some sites that further explain active listening: 1 , 2,  3

Active Listening Ex:

You: I sense that you pulled away just now.

Him: *Sounds sad* Mhmm…

You: You seem upset about that?

Him: *Arms crossed* I’m not upset, I just don’t know why we have to talk about it…

You:  (Clarifying) So you don’t want to talk about it…That is frustrating?

Him: Yeah it is. It’s more like I feel, anxious..

You: (Clarifiying with Emapthy) You feel anxious.

Him: Like my heart is going to explode.

You: (Confirming) That sounds scary.

Keep actively listening until he seems done talking. Eventually, as this topic becomes more comfortable and he wants to explore the issue, you might help guide him inward while using active listening. When he expresses a deep emotion, it might be appropriate to ask “Do you remember another time you felt this way?” or “Tell me more about that emotion/experience” or “what are you feeling now?”

Employing active-listening  will not be a band-aid on the situation. It often feels counter-intuitive to talk this way and learning to do it is hard work.

A  lighter idea here is that you might want to simply start talking about sex,  using the word in a context outside your own bedroom.  Talk about sex as a general topic,explore sex-positive topics. Try bringing up something you’ve read that sparks you (maybe one of my blog-posts) and open up conversation about ideas and feelings on the topic. This might help you explore the issue when it isn’t so heavy.

Wishing you the best, D. Thanks so much for writing!



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By Rabbit White | Posted in Weekly | Tagged | Comments (0)

Jilling Off

2010-01-29 – 09:18

There is something in the past of my relationship that I’m not proud about, but I’ll go ahead and say it: I used to feel a tinge of jealousy when Ned would masturbate. It wasn’t full on anger, or even conscious envy, but it was there. Of course I could come up with a million reasons why: maybe I just missed him and wanted to be involved in the sexual act, maybe it was low self-esteem, comparing myself to women in the porn he consumed, maybe I felt that he chose masturbation over sex with me. But, I tend to think that when jealousy arises from seemingly nothing, it is best to look inside. In order to understand why I felt threatened by Ned’s relationship with his right hand, I would need to look at the relationship with my own.

It wouldn’t be easy to see my problems. I considered myself pro-sex, pro-porn and I masturbated quite frequently, I talked about it openly. Yet during my masturbation sessions, I didn’t use porn and I often wouldn’t even fantasize, just holding the vibrator to my clit on high, eyes squeezed tight until I would come. It would only take about a minute and if it started to take longer I would begin to feel uncomfortable. There was a disconnect between sexuality and masturbation.

I discovered masturbation at about age nine. I was at a slumber-party, laying on the floor when I found if I pressed and unpressed my thighs together in a specific way, incredible feelings ran through me. I did feel weird, a bit guilty. The only other thing I remember ascribing to it was that it felt tender and uniquely female. It was similar to the feeling  I would later have when I first realized I was growing breasts. I was riding my bike when I went over a bump and felt a tiny jiggle in my shirt. I rode over and over the bump, awed with feeling privately lit-up.

I didn’t realize that what I did with my thighs was masturbation, much less even linked to my vagina, until high school. When I realized this, I had still never “masturbated.” In junior high, boys started talking about jerking off and that was okay–we knew all boys did it. But when we girls talked about masturbation amongst each other it was with the idea that it was just weird and gross. I remember at some point when I was a teenager, my mother made it her mission to let my friends and I know that everyone masturbates. I suppose this was her idea of telling me it was okay… but it proved to be more awkward than anything, as she’d proclaim her statement with a raised wine glass at the dinner-table.

I got my first vibrator when I was 17. My best friend was in town from Tennessee and  while I was at school she and my 21-year-old boyfriend went to the mall to amuse themselves. “We got you a present” they said, presenting me with a retro looking  tin lunch box. “Cute!” I exclaimed and opened it to find a large pink plastic vibrator spill out, like an exclamation point dropped on the floor.  It had been stolen from Spencers, taken out of the box it was packaged in and hidden it in my ex’s pants.

I don’t remember really fantasizing then either, but just experimenting at night (with music turned up loud) as to how many times this thing could get me off.  But I do remember having a reoccurring nightmare where the whole family would be in the kitchen having breakfast when someone would mention how they had trouble sleeping because of how loud I’d been with my lawn-mower of a vibrator.

So, I would eventually move on from the weed wacker vibe (I now swear by the silent, plug-into-the-wall guys) and also  eventually, finally move on from grinning and bearing masturbation in order to get off. Going through massive self work and therapy, I’ve become more comfortable with myself and found more comfort in my sexual skin too. I recently read that inside every sexual-extrovert lies a prude trying to hide their prudishness. While those who knew me in college would swear I was no prude, I know that my inner-Victorian hid in self stimulation.

I realized that masturbation held fear for me, being alone with myself and my sexuality was somewhat scary. As I began to let go and let my mind wander, enjoying my body I was shocked to find that I was really into the whole fantasy thing. The world of fantasy is like meditation or dream-scape, a place where the unconscious can uncoil and get worked out. It is another key to your psyche and I think it takes courage to really let that go, to not judge or become fearful of what you find. I think of it as finally being “eyes open” to my sexuality, where I had been either blinded or refusing to see.

I would be lying if I said that all of this is just a piece of cake now. I still have a hard time being comfortable with slow self stimulation and exploring myself, but my eyes are open. I want to be comfortable in my skin, with my sexuality.  And I am coming to that point, slowly working my way, panting  up the path.


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By Rabbit White | Posted in Feature | Tagged | Comments (7)

God=You

2010-01-28 – 08:36

Part 1

Part 2

I wanted to share this set of videos, because it is one of the most exciting conversations I have come across in awhile. I’ve not seen something so beautiful and thoughtful on the topic of atheism and de-conversion in, well, maybe ever.

While other atheist memes are quick to point a finger, laughing at “silly christians” this video set manages to bring real reverence and empathy to the topic. “God” is very personal, and I think the topic deserves this level of respect.

My own experience with de-conversion is very different from the author’s. I’m not sure precisely when my own faith in christianity was lost, but it was long ago. I didn’t have to wrestle with bible verses or Jesus, but rather the concept of God and spirituality.

I do consider myself to be a very spiritual atheist, and that is because I know this feeling of “God” hasn’t gone anywhere, the answers to prayers, the guidance, feeling healed and forgiven, these are all things inside of me. They are what many psychologists would call “the self.” I was happy that the author of the video covered this, and did it so well.

God=You is something I find myself coming to time and time again, when talking with mystics or christians. I often find myself replacing  the word “God” for “my true self” in my head and it is often astounding how much more sense their point makes. Kind of like when people say “you” when they really mean “I” such as: “you go to work, you feel depressed.” When you hear someone do that, change it in your head to I, and you might be amazed at how much more true, telling and vulnerable their statement is.

God is you. It brings new meaning to Namaste: the God in me bows to the God in you.


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By Rabbit White | Posted in Weekly | Tagged | Comments (3)

Potential Parenting

2010-01-22 – 11:41

There is one very intense, meaningful question that every woman has to find an answer to: Would you keep the baby or not? This question found it’s way into my living room last night as Ned and I sat on the couch after a successful  budgeting discussion, we realized we were coming up on our yearly decision to the parenting/abortion question. Last year, we thought it might be best to decide ahead of time what we would do if I were to get pregnant, rather than make the huge decision in the emotional heat of the moment as strange, new hormones swam around my body. Whatever decision we came to with clear minds would be the one that applied all year. If I would have gotten pregnant last year, it would have meant a termination.

I felt relaxed and in a logical state of mind after our money-talk. Ned suggested we talk about the pregnancy issue soon, I thought why not now, and began to consider it. “Well it would still be termination” I said, thinking of how prepared I would want to be (and am not now) if I were to have a child.  But no sooner had I said it then my heart began to wrench. Ned caught the look on my face, “It is a lot harder now,” he said. A flux of emotions ran through me; Ned said we should talk when it wasn’t so late.

I’m undecided on whether or not I want to have children, ever. Being in my 20’s, I see peers who seem to be doing it out of some unconscious, personal desire to fill their own needs. To gain control, to have someone to love. Was the rush of emotions I felt about keeping or not keeping a curt-tail of my own selfish desires? Maybe, it was definitely something to explore. Whatever goes on unconsciously to bring a sudden, strong desire for a baby should be looked into, before making-a-human-being becomes the answer. I’m also not sure that there is a reason to have kids that isn’t a bit selfish — and maybe that is okay.

Yet, this isn’t what really upsets me; the problem I see is the vast un-preparedness and ignorance with which people jump into the role of parent. I remember talking about this topic with a friend once, when she said “Someonce once asked me ‘well, will you ever be *truly* ready?”  “Yes,” I replied for her. There is so much you can do to know what raising a child means, that does not involve any sort of “well I turned out okay” mentality.

I am undecided about whether or not I want children, but I am very interested in parenting and what that means for me as an adult, and what it meant for me as a child. From what I’ve studied on parenting, I strongly recommend: Parent Effectiveness Training and The Drama of The Gifted Child and online resources like No Spank, The Natural Child Project, Taking Children Seriously & Autonomy in the Family. I’ve worked hard on the relationship model I have with my husband and would work even harder on a parenting model. Before I could ever know whether or not I want a child, I need to know what it is going to take to raise one. Are you really going to learn all of this in the 9 months you are pregnant on top of learning basic childcare and doctors appointments?

By reading parenting books, I am not just learning how I would one day handle family disputes, I am reading to further understand the parenting model my parents had, that most parents have and how these models massively fail. This goes back to that brave and daunting task of truly acknowledging, processing and understanding what your parents mistakes were, so you can avoid the trap of forever repeating them.

At the heart of this is the fact that I am deeply concerned about the well-being of children, about the rights of children which are constantly ignored or trampled. I am a strong advocate of children’s rights. When I say I am against child abuse, I mean not only extreme cases of physical or sexual abuse, I also mean common emotional and psychological abuse and poor parenting methods like widely used permissive or authoritarian parenting, or the horrible inconsistent mix of both. The data about the effects of these types of parenting and abuse are out there, and it is visible in the adults you know. Damaged children become damaged adults who harm themselves or those around them.

I am unsure whether or not I will have children, and this is out of the utmost respect for them.


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By Rabbit White | Posted in Feature | Tagged | Comments (10)

Living with Living Together

2010-01-15 – 07:56

Boy meets Girl–or Boy and upon a drink bought and sheets tossed in, something happens. Getting to know one and other goes past the one night stand hump, past the few weeks emergency-stage and into the territory of relationship.  Then, it can become a time-bomb ticking away to that one day. In mine and Ned’s relationship it came one afternoon in November. One of those perfect crisp fall days. Somehow we’d ended up on the floor of the dining room, rolling around laughing and kissing, when he dropped it: “Move in with me.”

Living together as a part of dating is nearly de rigueur these days, hardly the taboo it once was. But this is pretty new territory we couplings are vastly covering. While we are all out here on a limb in our modern dance of commitment, what can we learn from each other?

In my experience, living together (no matter what the reason or goal) adds a level of intensity to the relationship. If you’ve ever thought it would be a great idea to move in with a friend, this surely sounds familiar. And your roommate also being your significant other can  add even more fuel to that fervor.

When I first moved in with Ned, it seemed to simply exacerbate all the little things that before hid in shadows. I moved into his apartment, his space having never shown him the catastrophe of clothing-bombs and cat-pee that was my old digs. In the beginning of a relationship it is natural to want to put your best foot forward, not advertise certain things about yourself, like the fact that you live out of a suitcase and pile of dirty clothes…. er you know, that your belly button has a weird smell.

I moved in with Ned in that initial state of constant self-policing. The only feeling that can really capture this is the one that you get in your stomach, the bubbling pressure that causes you to scoot your butt around on the couch as you silently watch a  movie, as if  your held-in-fart were a hot potato between your butt-cheeks…. It’s uncomfortable.

But there actually are tougher things to living together than making great strides to not to fart or poop around your lover. I think that living together, no matter how you slice it, is increased commitment. It is accepting your partners quirks, habits (and farts.) It is shared responsibility, shared tasks and shared time.

It soon becomes clear what model of relationship you are in, the old wounds your partner carries (and how you hit them), the patterns you might be helping one and other re-create and where you are each defensive. It can lead to sink or swim. Will you  work to build a strong foundation? Help your partner understand their own patterns and history? Work to see past your partners defenses and drop your own?

According to the research of  John Gottman, in relationships where criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stone-walling are present, splitting up is inevitable. Gottman was able to accurately predict whether couples would make it or call it quits, 90% of the time, from short conversation alone.

Living together happily is a lot of hard work and can certainly be a test of the relationship. Of course there’s also a lot of great stuff in it too. It’s hours in bed laughing and caressing on a Saturday morning, making delicious pad thai together on an ordinary Tuesday and slippery hugs in the shower before work. It’s not just someone to come home to, but someone to care for in the long process of understanding the many facets of another person– someone to care for you and work to understand your multiple-dimensions.

So what is the difference between living together and being married? For some people, there might not be a difference.  Living together to you might be the ultimate commitment, or some other commitment that isn’t the institution of marriage might be. But for me, marriage was it. Living together is like heading up a major project with your partner, but marriage is like going into business together.

Okay, it’s true, but a little dry. A good marriage is a high, it creates a space that is safe and authentic where you can each fully become yourselves. It builds an organic buzz that permeates the whole apartment, the couple, the work they do and the people they know.

So do you need to live together before you get married? Of course not, it is different for everyone. But  let’s just say that I think this generation of people “living in sin” are very, very smart.


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By Rabbit White | Posted in Feature | Tagged , | Comments (3)

The Asexual Dynamic

2010-01-08 – 13:46

My Story on Asexuality is live on Sexis!

“…If appearances of asexuals on the daytime talk show circuit has shed light on anything, it’s that asexuality is a hot-button topic. “There’s a fascinating phenomenon,” says Jay. “If I talk about my asexuality, it suddenly puts the spotlight on the sexuality of the person I am talking to, and however they feel about their sexuality comes out.” For some, an asexual’s lack of desire can trigger repressed feelings. Jay equates the experience with a straight person asserting their heterosexuality when a gay is present. “I get a lot of people who feel the need to talk about how sexual they are,” he says. Read the Story Here!


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By Rabbit White | Posted in Blurb | Tagged | Comments (0)

Belated Birthday Extravaganza Post

2010-01-08 – 10:05

This collection of images is from my birthday-night, almost a month ago. Each year when my birthday rolls around I can’t help but to freak out a little. And it’s not really about the getting older thing (though that does make my heart skip too) but more about the pressure that is put on birthdays, this one day that needs to be perfect. When I was a kid, my birthday was a really big deal. It was the one day where I always felt special, seen and safe. Kid birthdays and adult birthdays shouldn’t be the same, but I have a  hard time letting go of the idea of this special-all about me-day.

On this birthday-morning I realized this was making me anxious and just decided to let go.  The whimsy I wanted was still captured, not by planning. The rocks in the picture were gifts from Ned. When I was little, I had a rock collection I was obsessed with, to the point of reading every boring book about rocks I could find. Anytime I had a chance to add a new rock to the collection,  I wanted to spend hours picking out the perfect addition. But my parents always hurried my along, as this would usually be on vacation at some touristy souvenir-shop. Ned took me to a crystal, rock and gem shop overfilled with sparkling objects and let me take my time picking out the rocks I wanted.

The pictures above are inside of the birthday-night fort Ned and I built in the living room. The sheets we used were mostly pink giving everything a soft glow and we had tons of pillows and blankets everywhere. Instead of going out as planned we had take-out sushi, sipped pink champagne and ate these delectable cakes in the fort.

Bonus:

What I Wore on Birthday Morning, trotting around for crepes and shopping. I dressed for high-tea but we couldn’t get in, so Ned promised a rain-check which should yield other high-tea outfits :)

Birthdays are a time to reflect and celebrate life. I feel really good about age 24 but I am ready to inherit and fully embrace 25 with all it has to offer & throw my way. <3


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By Rabbit White | Posted in Weekly | Comments (5)

Surviving the Post-Holiday World

2010-01-06 – 08:20

So often the idea of Holidays and seeing family is more  happy and comfortable than what actually happens. Coming back from a  Holiday that was a bit stressful or unpleasant-at-times can set off a spiral of sadness, dissociation and self attack. Yet after post- December- turmoil, most people don’t settle into extra self-care. We come back to our routines with the idea of starting over, making demands on ourselves to begin dieting, exercising, cleaning, working harder– changing! I tend to think that resolutions are a pact aligned too closely with self-attack, with too much pressure. Making these resolutions after the emotional roller-coaster of the holiday season is just asking for panic-attacks.

Yet I am of course, not anti-changing or anti-growing. I always have goals for myself and I think having these end-points in mind is important. One continuous goal of mine is to be aware of my quality of life, and to continue increasing it. I think that during this post Christmas-madness season we should all be mindful of our quality of life. Here are some ideas for how to be careful with yourself after the Holiday season while also working to increase your quality of life.

Imagination

  • During the Holidays especially, our inner children get triggered. Christmas inevitably reminds many of us of being kids again and that fact that it is just not like it was when we were kids can be heartbreaking.  If there is a part that relates to this and you did not allow them to be heard during the holiday, allow them to scream/grieve/cry.
  • Engage with that inner child through art. Put on music and have a free drawing session, focusing on your emotions and how it feels to draw, rather than what you are creating.
  • Create a piece of art as if you were your child-self. For example allow yourself to emotionally go back to age 8 and draw what you would have drawn then.
  • Get together with a friend and have a silent creative session. First lay out all of the art/building supplies then put a timer on for 30-60 mins. With the supplies, create something together without talking at all. I’ve done this exercise and it really engaged my younger inner child and was also great fun.
  • Enroll in a class to allow time for creativity. For instance, Ned is thinking of getting involved with robot-building classes, and I am browsing for a creative writing group.

Mind

  • Recover from and process the Holiday. Move back into your mind, and notice when you are experiencing difficult emotions. If you didn’t allow yourself to feel these during Holiday, they’ll continue bubbling beneath your skin. It might be harder now to name the emotions and allow them in. Check in with yourself at different points of the day to see how you are feeling. When processing what you felt during Holiday, you may feel like something  specific triggered a “negative” feeling, but are unsure why. You can always jot this down and come back to it later.
  • Quiet the Noise. This is important after any upheaval.Whether you choose to just take some quiet time each day for yourself or have dedicated meditations, being present to your experiences is a great step in improving quality of life. Yet, quieting the chatter in our heads doesn’t always come naturally. For those with active and noisy minds, why not try a meditation CD, I recommend 1 & 2. Many cities also have meditation courses. I’ve been wanting to try IMU in Chicago, who offer a unique spin, like a full moon mediation with intuitive let-loose dance sessions beforehand and monthly hiking trips with a guided mediation rest. If you find that you really don’t want to be alone with your thoughts and yourself, that is a key sign that something is up, emotionally.
  • Journaling. The first step here is buying a fabulous journal whose pages you can’t wait to fill. I find it helps work out my thoughts, worries and is a great space for tracking dreams. Start with writing about how you feel after the Holidays and how you feel about the new year.
  • Notice your defenses. If you are mentally going over the all too familiar fights you had at Christmas, try to begin to notice where you were being defensive. This does not mean the altercation was your fault, in families especially we almost can’t help but to step into the defensive roles and continue old patterns. But just becoming aware of those defenses can jump-start growth.

Body

  • Be weary of jumping on the lose weight for The New Year train. Triggers that make us feel guilty and unsure about our health and bodies are everywhere right now. If you are suddenly feeling like you have to whip yourself into shape immediately, or lose weight right now, the safest bet might be to continue on with your regular exercise and eating and re-evaluate in another month.
  • Be mindful of alcohol consumption. Another thing about being on Holiday is that we tend to drink more. It might feel sort of natural to continue with your three-scotches-a-night routine, but be aware of when you are drinking. When you find yourself reaching for a drink, ask yourself if you really want or need it.
  • Getting out. It’s winter-time, for a lot of us that means sludgy gray snow, ice and staying in. But stretching your legs outside and getting some sun will still feel good! Check out what winter-events still going on in your city’s park district. In Chicago we have snow-shoeing for Polar Bear Adventure Days, ice skating (either on Wrigley Field or amidst downtown architectural views) and a chance to peel off the gloves and scarves for strolls at the Garfield or Lincoln Park conservatories, enjoying the layers of lush greens, tinkling waterfalls and warm air.

Space

  • If you had guests, you might need to re-claim your space. For me this involves cleaning and re-organizing. I find it tempting to just leave the mess– it feels so draining. Remember that you want your space to feel like yours, and you want it to feel good.
  • If you traveled, give yourself time to settle back into your home. On the Holmes and Rahe stress scale, travel and Christmas are both factors. You will definitely need emotional and mental time to settle too, but make your physical space the monument to this. Unpack, clean and spend a downtime at home.
  • Purge un-needed gifts. Strive to not bring things you don’t love or need into your home even if they are gifts. Ask yourself if you love or need the item, or if the emotional impact makes it worth keeping. Remember, it is the thought that counts…so send those gifts to a thrift shop and to someone else who will use them.

Wishing you a stunning 2010 full of vitality and whimsy!


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By Rabbit White | Posted in Feature | Comments (2)

Being the Weird Kid

2009-12-30 – 09:01

I want to take you back to what might be a scary place…a place which you’ve exiled to the bottom of your pool of memories, a place called… grade school. Once your brain begins flooding with the images and memories of your 4th grade self, take a second to remember how it felt. Do you remember how you felt about yourself during that time? Do you remember what your social standing was? Did you ever feel like you were just…weird?

There was no denying my weirdness. At age 11, I  preferred bright yellow hand-me-down overalls to… whatever was cool and wore my hair in two long braided pleats (as if the crooked blunt bangs cut by my Mother weren’t enough.) If what you recalled was feeling cool and popular, this piece is not really for you. This post is dedicated to all of the weird-little-kids, still camping out inside of us.

Of course being a weird kid went much deeper than just having a closet of awkward second hand clothes, poor clothing does not truly denote the weirdness of a kid – however my obsessive rock-collecting, zelda-playing and intricate story-writing might say more. I remember feeling weird because it seemed I was on the outside of my school, of the social bubbles, of my family and even friends. It is as if the weird kid sees the dance of cultural norms and socially accepted behavior and chooses not to participate, or can’t imagine doing so.

One example that comes to my mind was the first day of 4th grade. Dumped on the playground, I immediately went to my friends from the previous year. As we walked around the balance beam all they could talk about was how they had started shaving their legs over the summer and how cool they were. I walked away, knowing that this was something I was not interested in, and spent the year talking with other exiles,  trying to figure out where I fit. I questioned what was around me, I was in touch with and respected my emotions. I refused to bend, and the fact that I felt alone ached so very much. But at the same time I was very strong in self, changing was not an option but exploring everything about myself (whether it exiled me further or not) was.

I think a strong sense of self is the common thread among weird kids, which is such a valuable and elusive quality of character. It is what many of us spend our adult lives trying to delicately maintain or achieve. So why do so many of us push away the weird kid inside of us and the memories of the world they inhabited? As I mentioned it is painful to remember a difficult time, but perhaps we are pushing away what that weird kid represented.

I know about when I started to repress my inner-weird-kid and the memories of grade school, it was at the beginning of high-school and by then the rush of hormones gave “fitting in” an urgent-status. As I realized I inhabited a “cute-girl” body and that all it took to fit in was faking it, I repressed my inner-weird-kid.

As an adult, it makes sense that at times we’d repress the inner-weird-kid, in the work place and other social situations letting the weird inner-child just take over could result in blank stares, murmurs and exile all over again. But listening to the weird kid doesn’t mean letting that aspect of your personality take over. I think those of us with inner-weird kids are lucky to have them as guides, and should let them have a say, a place in who we are!

If it weren’t for counseling with this part of myself I don’t think I would have the quality of relationships I do (those needy teenage parts didn’t exactly pick friends based on virtue.) Embracing this part has also allowed me to step outside of set gender roles and even the hierarchies of sexes in society and the work place. While there is a part of me that is always worried about being nice, attractive and feminine, the weird kid really doesn’t care. When that part can step in, able to be strong in self, curious and logical without the worry of looks and impressions, a lot can get done. My inner-child also brings a valuable thirst for knowledge. We are not encouraged to question the world around us as adults and I think this is the time we must do it. Without questioning the ideals and structures of a world we aren’t happy with, change and growth could never happen.

Engaging the kid-within might involve getting to know them again, earning their trust by acknowledging and accepting them, listening to them, loving them for the first time. There is no trick once you’ve started exploring, the weird kid has been inside you all along, perhaps pushed to the tiniest crevice you could find, but still there. You can let your inner child have a say by simply consulting them. What do they think is wrong or right in the situation. Does x actually interest them? What would they like to say or do?

A friend once said to me, “I think I was never as wise as I was at age 10″ and this always stuck with me. Those wise ten year old’s  haven’t gone anywhere and I’ve found that their wisdom is still strangely spot-on.


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By Rabbit White | Posted in Feature | Tagged | Comments (6)

Crushes Outside The Relationship

2009-12-10 – 08:00

s9When people enter into a monogamous relationship, it is often with the idea that they have found “the one.” The special person that supposedly holds the missing piece of their soul, someone that will solve all of their problems. In return they are somewhat expected no longer experience sexual infatuation with other people, just that one true-love. I think this stereotype is especially true for women.

Yet, in the large number of healthy adults, sexual response to attractive men or women is normal. It is okay to feel attracted to other people if you are monogamous, it is normal to fantasize or even feel a crush. This is something of a taboo and perhaps as a result, these normal sexual responses get blown up into huge fantasies, obsessions, secrets–and carried with them are feelings of guilt and neediness. Yet, what if it weren’t stigmatized, what if we talked open and honestly about outside sexual attraction to our partners, what if we understood that these feelings were a normal sexual response or something to explore? Would there be as much cheating, as much distrust? As much divorce? The reality is a double standard. These responses are natural but you are not supposed to think/talk/do anything about…it is no wonder then that for some these feelings spin out of control.

Seeing the Sexual Big Picture

Imagine that you are at a party. Say, an office party for your beloved significant other. Suddenly an extremely sexy person wanders into your view. You make eye-contact, and do that coy look away, glance back thing. Maybe you even exchange flirty-words. OMG. Now your mind is racing. Part of you is off in fantasy land, already in bed with this person. Other parts might be confused, already feeling guilty or bad. And perhaps yet another part has already moved past sex and is imagining moving in with them–could this person be your next significant other? Okay, slow down.

What if you were able to not get caught up in the moment, not let each tangled thought take over. Instead of building this web, what if you were simply able to realize, “ah yes I am just feeling a sexual response”  Which is normal. Or even “I am feeling an infatuation with this person, I wonder why?” Granted it might be impossible to be this robotic and logical, especially in the heat of eye-contact. But does it have to be?

Strangers in Shining Armor

One of the things that I have found happens in these stranger-attraction situations is that we romanticize the sexual attraction, which given most of our backgrounds makes sense. Since the time we are children we are inundated with a rescue/romance fantasy. The idea pushed on us is that we will only be happy when we find our “other half”– that person holds the secret formula to make everything better for us. This is an illusion, one that can cut, ripping relationships to shreds because it is simply never, ever true.

No partner can live up to this ideal. No one can save you or fix you or make you truly whole and happy. Only you can do that, it is your responsibility to fix yourself, to make yourself whole. Having a partner is just that, it is a partnership…not a grand sweeping fairytale. But this Disneyfication is ingrained in us, when the ideal we were promised is not met by our loving partners, is it any shock that we project this old fixation onto attractive strangers? Yet this stranger can’t save you either…and the feelings you feel are indeed normal sexual responses.

Getting Curious: What does this Person have?

If you find yourself intrigued by a sexy somebody, it is helpful to get curious about it. What exactly is it about them? Do they remind you of someone? (& what did that person do for you? Is this part of a pattern?) What qualities are they exhibiting that you find so sexy? What would a sexual fantasy with this person look like? Or could it just be your evolutionary drive talking, is this person just obviously a good looking guy or gal that would make healthy bouncing babies?

Once you’ve got a grasp on the chord this individual strikes with you, ask yourself: are these things that are missing in your partnership? From here you could build a plan on how to bring these missing ingredients into your bedroom or relationship. How can your partner fulfill these needs? Bring these ideas up honestly and gently.

It is also okay to bottle up all of that desire for yourself. I think that using what you’ve uncovered as masturbation fantasy fodder can be a safe way to act on those sexual urges. This could even help is understanding that attraction and infatuation can be purely physical, finding sexual gratification without romanticizing it.

Honesty with Our Partners

Another reason why these infatuations might get so blown out of proportion is that we feel we must hide them from our partners, feeling guilty about it. I think this just begs a relatively brief encounter to grow and grow until suddenly that infatuation is all you can think about. One healthy way to deal with the issue upfront is to not hide it at all, but gently talk about the crush with your partner. It could be as simple as “I find X attractive and I feel uncomfortable/guilty/excited about that.”

This should come with a warning, you should have a conversation with your partner about sexual attraction within monogamy, realistically and honestly. If you do discuss these ideas, imagine the possibilities: your partner could understand these are just sexual responses and realize they are the lucky one who gets to cash in on them! Your partner could get curious about what X did for you and help explore that. Or they could just be grateful for the level of honesty you are bringing and thus the amount of trust between you.

However without these discussions and knowledge, many partners might become angry/upset/hurt at the idea of you liking someone else. I can’t help but to speculate that this is probably because of their own feelings of sexual attraction or infatuation and the suppressed emotions they’ve been holding.

Goals

While honesty is always fantastic, I don’t think the goal is to tell your partner every time a ripe-bottom turns your head. The goal is for each person in the partnership to understand sexual responses are normal, to be curious about crushes and explore them and to know really and truly that they’ve got the other’s love. Not because that person has made them whole but because they are whole on their own and therefore worth love, trust and honesty.


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By Rabbit White | Posted in Feature | Tagged | Comments (3)