If you met me a few years ago and were somehow able to magically read my thoughts you would have heard “don’t eat…don’t eat….don’t eat” over and over like a blinking LED sign. During this time I was working retail. One day as I patrolled the floor of the women’s clothing store, privately broadcasting my message, I realized I had really been listening. I hadn’t eaten all week! Or…the week before that… or even the week before that.
The closest I ever got to being able to describe how anorexia felt was while I was in the thick of it. I was hanging out with a group of acquaintances, spread out on pillows on the floor, a tall green glass bong in rotation. As I took a hit, I asked a girl in the group about her about being vegetarian. “I used to have dreams that cows were eating me” she said. “I took this as a sign that maybe I should become a vegetarian…but I liked the cows eating me, I thought it was fun” she laughed. I imagined it as a video game, blue sky with a white picket fence and friendly cows eating at bits of flesh on her arms and thighs. It was a perfect image for how it felt, my not eating, my body starving and eating itself. Imagining the cartoon cows eating me was just too much, too perfect. It was way better than how I’d imagined it, a meat hook severing my breasts, belly and pale wobbly bits.
There is a part of me that is very empathetic to myself at this time and to anyone who has an eating disorder. I was not in a good place mentally and I sympathize with anyone else going through that. Anorexia comes with depression, the inability to think clearly and crazy-making irrational thought patterns. It is not fun or pretty.
However when I see someone who is anorexic what I feel is rage. An instance that stands out in my mind happened about a year ago during a lunch hour when I took myself out to eat. As I sat with a sandwich and my journal, I was bothered by the bone thin girl picking at her soup the next table over. She had platinum-blonde curly hair, drawn on eyebrows and a dramatic outfit. She reminded me, somewhat, of myself a few years back. But rather than empathizing with her, I couldn’t help feeling the rage. “Why are you giving in?!” I thought looking at her, “Why are you doing this to yourself?!” Yet on the other hand I did understand why…and that just made me all the more angry and sad.
Seeing someone who is clearly anorexic is going to trigger me. Anorexia is a disease that effects not only yourself but to an extent those around you. As self attack came up, I tried to project some of that attack out onto something or someone else. I felt initial unjust rage at anorexia, but the emotion escalated as I felt helpless to change or control the disease or this girl’s situation. This emotional chart by Nathan McKaskle helps to illustrate what that progression of emotional escalation feels like.
A few studies have been published in recent years about how people react to anorexics. A study by Mond, Robertson-Smith and Vetere examined negative attitudes toward those with anorexia. Many participants thought at some point during the study that it “might not be too bad” to be anorexic. Overall, negative attitudes among women and ambivalence about the severity of anorexia were shown to be significant.
I’m left just wanting to scream. I am extremely angry about anorexia and all of the ads and fashion spreads featuring underweight women. Anorexia is not glamorous. When I was anorexic my thighs and arms were covered purple-pink pimples, my limbs constantly fell asleep and if I drank a bit too much I would see black spots or pee myself. I know the answer is to not blame the anorexic. Still, when I see photos of skinny starlets or spot too-thin Moms in public I can’t help thinking about the people they may also be be sending into a spiral of sickness.
There is a responsibility that comes with anorexia. There is a part of me that would really like to diet and exercise everyday but I don’t. I don’t because mental and physical health are actually values of mine. I know my susceptibility and the thought-patterns that would start if I were to diet. I could probably maintain a weight that is on the light side of what is healthy for my size and not be “anorexic” but that just feels like a front for the disease. I don’t let myself fall into this because I want to heal, because I don’t want to trigger other people and the last thing in the world I would want is to help pass this disease on.
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8 Comments
bravo rabbit! thank u so much for your honesty and relevance! Riot! <3
Thanks so much for your support <3 this one felt really vulnerable and hard.
I used to think I was a “terrible anorexic.” I could never train myself properly. I would get very angry because I couldn’t maintain not eating for more than two weeks at a time. I always broke down and then started it again. I didn’t know about chaotic eating or binging/purging at the time, all I knew was that anorexia was what was being talked about in the magazines I read. I bypassed all the warning signs and went right to connecting the dots: model + anorexia = beauty
I still feel that way sometimes. Even when I was at a sick weight I never looked like those models. I’m just not built that way and even today I get shit for it. I started taking water pills in 4th grade because I was told it would make me thinner. Ended up fucking up my kidneys. My mom was a beautiful woman, she always reminded me of it. I just looked “pregnant.” [Her words, not mine.]
I don’t know. Thanks for sharing this.
J.
Julie,
The bit about your Mother made me very angry and sad. Thank you for being strong!
Thanks for sharing. I understand what you mean about being aware of the anorexia but still not thinking you’re doing it well enough
Rachel! Its your favorite ex-suitemate/recovering anorexic!!! I’ve been reading your blog for a while, but of course this one really hit me. I had to leave Columbia because of my anorexia, and it got even worse the next year. Every day is still a struggle between “good and evil” for me, but I agree with your torn feelings of rage and desperation about the disease.
the saddest and most enraging thing i have ever seen was a documentary on pre teen anorexics. they interviewed the parents, and it was very, very clear that they had a significant role in what was happening to their children.
one of them said, “one day my 8 year old came into my bedroom while i was reading and said “I’ve just run 100 laps, and I can’t run any more”. it totally broke my heart”
Well, what on earth was she doing in her bedroom reading while her child did this to herself?
i don’t believe anorexia is a biological disease or a disease triggered solely by young girls emulating skinny models. it is a cry for help from unloved and neglected children.
Jessen´s last blog ..For Laura
As a male, I haven’t had experience with anorexia. I know about it, and how difficult a disease it is to conquer, but I honestly try to avoid stories about it. They simply break me heart. Seeing suffering and not being able to help in some way cuts me to the bone. It’s very frustrating. The worst part, however, is the way in which some mothers drive their daughters right into the waiting arms of anorexia. How utterly horrifying that a young woman’s most potentially powerful role model sabotages her life. As if there weren’t enough bad things out there waiting to trip our future generations up.
I hope each one of you reading this that is, has, or will fight against this insidious disease finds the strength inside and the support outside to conquer it and leave it only an unpleasant memory in your past.
This is a well-written, and informative post. Thank you for sharing it with the blogosphere!
Stacie´s last blog ..MJ
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[...] Forest wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptBut rather than empathizing with her, I couldn’t help feeling the rage. “Why are you giving in?!” I thought looking at her, “Why are you doing this to yourself?!” Yet on the other hand I did understand why…and that just made me all the more angry and sad. I think a few things were going on for me … When I was anorexic my thighs and arms were covered purple-pink pimples, my limbs constantly fell asleep and if I drank a bit too much I would see black spots or pee myself. … [...]
[...] already taboo topic can become rife with anxiety and confusion. On this blog I have talked about my history with disordered eating, but because I love food, cooking and eating regular meals without dieting, binging, starving or [...]