What comes to mind when you hear the words sex positive? Feminist lectures about looking at your vagina in a mirror? Your sex ed teacher putting condoms on bananas? Drunken flashbacks to last year’s pride parade? I’ve read a few definitions of sex positivity online and they all seem to define it as the idea that “sex is good”; or “people who are working towards a better relationship with sex.” However, with sex positivity there seems to be this notion of “all consensual sex is good” and that sleeping with a lot of people and being proud of that makes you sex positive (the ever popular pro-sex feminist approach). One problem with this is that it is sexist,: it does not include any room for men. This just flips and reinforces double standards, if a chick has a lot of sex she is a slut and that’s cool and positive, but if a guy does than he is a slut and that’s sleazy and gross. I think that sex positivity is actually something very hard to reach, something that should be striven for but is in no way easy.
Being sex positive is not about being open about your sex life or being pro-slutty. To me, being sex positive is honestly examining your sexual history and your sexual preferences. What made you who you are sexually today? What do you like and why do you like it? This definition also includes sometimes not engaging in things that we like sexually if they are destructive or physically and psychologically unhealthy. I think what sometimes happens is that people call things sex-positive for the express purpose of avoiding examining whether or not they are actually positive.
In my younger days I identified as a strong assertive woman and a feminist. Yet, sexually as a total bottom. I was constantly covered in bruises and cuts because I liked being really roughed up in bed. I told myself that was okay because I knew I liked it and could initiate it, I was sex positive. I think contradictions like this are a great place to start with your premise of what is sex positive for you. I started unraveling this by asking: What is this doing for me? What happens after the sex for me emotionally and psychologically? Where is my self esteem afterward? After recognizing and naming this as a problem I realized I did not want to do this to myself anymore. Asking these questions can open up a lot of doors. For me this sex felt like cutting or doing lots of drugs,; it was about escapism and feeling exquisite pain, the pain that was too heavy at all times but allowed to me behind closed doors.
None of this is easy stuff. In the oppressive (and religious) society we live in just about everyone was raised with weird sex beliefs, taboos, and hang-ups. This means for just about everyone it is going to take self work and looking into childhood to be truly sex positive. This is never fun, even for people who love to gab about sex it is uncomfortable digging into dark sexual events of the past. I think it is important to probe yourself about your sexual history, how was sex brought up when you were a kid? How did you feel about sex? What were your adult models of relationships? What are your early memories of sexual awareness, how did your parents handle it? I know for me as a kid, sex was a dreaded subject, one that carried alot of guilt and anxiety. Rough sex was not healthy for me, it was feeding into an ancient sad part of myself. What we don’t work through in our past we will keep re-creating in our lives. Even if it appears we have gone in the opposite direction in life, our past will find somewhere to pop up… and sometimes that somewhere happens to be in bed. Because sex was communicated to me as forbidden, tabboo and “bad”, it became a destructive behavior like drinking and doing drugs.
One great way to work through your sexual past is to create a map of all of the sexual events that have happened in your life, especially including those in pre-puberty. From here the view of how you became who you are sexually may seem clearer. My obsession with rough sex could possibly be traced back to the fact that I experienced sexual shaming as a child, that my parents often fought physically and verbally then passionately made up and that this love and violence mix was also prevalent in my relationship with them. The sexual map is also great just for awareness, to be able to understand your past, who you are sexually today. In processing this history you may find that from your map you want to re-evaluate what is “normal” for you. How do I feel now about it with this new knowledge of my history?
Once you have a mental or written map of your sexual past, the next important thing is to define what you are comfortable with sexually. What did you do in the past you really did not want to to do? What would never want to do, or do again? Or even, what might you want to do again but shouldn’t because you know it is destructive or unhealthy for you? Making boundaries and sticking to these convictions are integral parts of having a healthy and full sexual life. It should also be said that re-examining these values is important but shouldn’t be done shortly before or during sex. Being sex positive is not about condemning anyone or any kink. It is a personal journey about finding what is good for you.
Sex should enrich your life. And if you have done the work on yourself to become truly sex positive, that is where you reach the beautiful and real land of sexual freedom. This is where sex becomes an expression of yourself, that inner most energy that defines you. The sex can be fun, dirty, loving and tender, comfortable and exciting. I realized this was possible one afternoon, the red glow from my bedroom curtains enclosing Ned and I in a fiery soft light. Each move was so delicate, as we stretched across each other’s bodies, totally present in the moment. I thought this is what sex is, this sex is real. I want to keep reaching towards the highest level of sex awareness and positivity I can achieve. To do this is hard and a lot of work but the payoff is incredible and endless.
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8 Comments
This is a thoughtful post. You framed the discussion in personal terms and looked out into the greater population by offering the same questions you asked of yourself, for the reader to answer. Nicely done.
I had a hunch that I would enjoy your posts and now, I am 100% convinced.
-sgb
Found this post through sexgenderbody’s tweet and it is excellent writing. I’ll pass it on. Most important question you ask is, “Where is my self esteem afterward?” Good lord, if we could, all of us, make sex about feeling good not only during sex but all the time….
Those people who feel shame or pain about themselves sexually have had that imposed upon them. I pray for their healing. You’ve really helped to show the way with this post. Thanks for this.
Very nice post – Blue Gal sent me.
I was listening to RawDawgBuffalow radio last night — it was the oral sex episode, and it was really interesting how it broke mostly along gender lines: the male hosts would talk about what they liked, technique, details; both even offered to reveal their vital stats (which is virtually taboo amongst men). The female host would not discuss any of it at all. The women in the chat room, however, were very sex positive. It was a great experience.
I think that there still is a mother-whore dichotomy in play. It amazes me.
Regards,
Tengrain
Your post is a reason for thoughtful people to be optimistic about the future.
Some of us discover the truth about sex later in life.
Your post may help many to learn the truth much earlier.
Thanks Blue Gal.
Thanks so much for your comments and compliments! I really appreciate the feedback. I am so glad others got something out of this as well. I have so many ideas when it comes to this topic, so maybe this is one that I’ll have to revisit. xoxo
Found this through Blue Gal’s tweet. Interesting thoughts on the subject… Please do revisit it.
Great post I especially appreciate your suggestion that we map our sexual histories; that we examine them and vet that past against who we are now, what we value, enjoy; and in the process identify sexual boundaries and desires. Would love to read more, perhaps a sexual workbook is in order.
My wife and I consider ourselves to be “sex positive”, but my current defination of that seems to be “sex is not inherently a bad thing.” I tend to follow it with “and when done for the right reasons with the right person or people, it can be a lot of fun.” I’m not sure that there needs to be much more than that.
I don’t think that being sex positive means that you _should_ be having a lot of sex; it’s not a justification for making bad descisions. Of course, there’s no reason not to be having a lot of sex, but being pro sex (and trying to prove it) shouldn’t be the motivation.