Dear Rabbit White,
My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for the past three years and recently moved in together. There is a five year age gap between us (he’s older).
When we first started dating, he had very little sexual experience and it was incredible fun to have sex with someone who didn’t have an already formed set of ideas about how their sex life with another person should be. He was open to having fun and exploring my sexual desires, needs and fantasies for the last three years. I have tried to satisfy and explore his sexuality but he refuses to share his needs with me.
I have tried discussing his fantasies with him and have often gotten the reply of ‘I don’t have any’ or ‘I don’t want to share mine with you’. Even then, when we are having sex, if I ask him what he would like, he always responds with suggestions which focus on my pleasure rather than his. While it is nice that he does focus on my orgasm, it also makes me feel really bad. To me, sex should be about taking and giving, and most importantly about sharing.
It has gotten to the point where I now am actually arguing with him about it because an important part of my sexuality is that I want to be able to please my sexual partner and being quite frank, I’m starting to run out of ideas to our sex life fresh. I know I shouldn’t argue with him about it but it’s just so frustrating to feel that your partner feels they can’t open up to you or that they don’t want to open up to you.
So I was wondering if you could shed some light on this issue for me.
Is it normal (I know that’s a pretty relative term in sexuality) for someone not to have any fantasies or to not want to share their fantasies?
How can I relate to him about my need to also satisfy him and my desire to also build an intimate relationship around sharing both our sexual desires?
Hope you can help,
D
Dear D,
I think your letter shows a huge amount of care and empathy about your significant other. Because of this, I am sure that with a little relationship work, this sexual part of your relationship will go far. So let’s address what you are dealing with, this is a personal issue of his. Yet, it becomes an issue for you and I can totally see where this would be frustrating and upsetting on your end.
Before you can move forward with his issue, your own frustration must be addressed. If you hide it, it will inevitably bubble over into resentment, but if you don’t fully explore it, it will keep coming up when you try to talk about his experiences/feelings. You have every right to your feelings too, whether you are pissed, hurt, scared or whatever. Try journaling and focusing on the different parts that come up, perhaps linking to another time you felt this way.
Where you might be now is in a cycle, when you press him about his fantasies, he shoots even further back inside. It becomes a dance, he pulls in, you react, he pulls in further, you react more. Stuck. It is time to stop this cycle.
There is something else that often happens when we get into these cyclical arguments, I’ll call it “the crunch.” This is the worst -case scenario idea that you have about your partner, the most extreme (negative) ideas of what they are really like. When we are put into a “crunch” situation, this worst-case scenario is often highlighted. When you do finally talk to him about this issue, make sure it is not from “the crunch” fear but rather from a place of love, curiosity and empathy for your partner. I think that becoming comfortable with your own feelings and understanding how the cycle triggers you will help you to do this.
When you are in that place, ask him to talk. Take some deep breaths, tell him that you love him and then go. Start by explaining the facts,these are the things that could be picked up by a video camera. Ex: “When we talk about fantasies, you don’t say anything and seem to shut off.” Next, bring up how you interpret that. Ex: “When you do that I interpret it as that you are uncomfortable with me and question whether or not you can trust talking with me about sex.” Next explain how that makes you feel. Ex: “That makes me feel lonely and scared about our sex life.”
After you’ve said your part, open the conversation up to him– about what he feels. When he begins to talk try to only use active-listening, rather than advice giving or weighing in on how you feel again. Active listening involves listening to the speaker, and repeating what they’ve said back to them. It is reflecting that you understand what they’ve said and clarifying the emotion behind their statement. Here are some sites that further explain active listening: 1 , 2, 3
Active Listening Ex:
You: I sense that you pulled away just now.
Him: *Sounds sad* Mhmm…
You: You seem upset about that?
Him: *Arms crossed* I’m not upset, I just don’t know why we have to talk about it…
You: (Clarifying) So you don’t want to talk about it…That is frustrating?
Him: Yeah it is. It’s more like I feel, anxious..
You: (Clarifiying with Emapthy) You feel anxious.
Him: Like my heart is going to explode.
You: (Confirming) That sounds scary.
Keep actively listening until he seems done talking. Eventually, as this topic becomes more comfortable and he wants to explore the issue, you might help guide him inward while using active listening. When he expresses a deep emotion, it might be appropriate to ask “Do you remember another time you felt this way?” or “Tell me more about that emotion/experience” or “what are you feeling now?”
Employing active-listening will not be a band-aid on the situation. It often feels counter-intuitive to talk this way and learning to do it is hard work.
A lighter idea here is that you might want to simply start talking about sex, using the word in a context outside your own bedroom. Talk about sex as a general topic,explore sex-positive topics. Try bringing up something you’ve read that sparks you (maybe one of my blog-posts) and open up conversation about ideas and feelings on the topic. This might help you explore the issue when it isn’t so heavy.
Wishing you the best, D. Thanks so much for writing!
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