Rabbit Write

When people enter into a monogamous relationship, it is often with the idea that they have found “the one.” They are  expected to no longer experience sexual infatuation with other people, just that one true-love.

Yet, in the large number of healthy adults, sexual response to attractive men or women is normal. It is okay to feel attracted to other people if you are monogamous, it is normal to fantasize or even feel a crush.

Seeing the Sexual Big Picture

Imagine that you are at a party. Say, an office party for your sig-other. Suddenly a sexy person wanders into your view. You  do that coy look away, glance back thing. Part of you is off in fantasy land, already in bed with this person. Other parts might be confused, already feeling guilty or bad. Another part is already moving in with them. Okay, slow down.

Instead of building this web, what if you were simply able to realize, “ah yes I am just feeling a sexual response”  Which is normal. Or even “I am feeling an infatuation with this person, I wonder why?”

Strangers in Shining Armor

Since the time we are children we are inundated with a rescue/romance fantasy. The idea pushed on us is that we will only be happy when we find our “other half”– that person holds the secret formula to make everything better for us. This is an illusion, one that can cut, ripping relationships to shreds because it is simply never, ever true.

But this Disneyfication is ingrained in us, when the ideal we were promised is not met by our loving partners, is it any shock that we project this old fixation onto attractive strangers? Yet this stranger can’t save you either…and the feelings you feel are indeed normal sexual responses.

Getting Curious: What does this Person have?

If you find yourself intrigued by a sexy somebody, it is helpful to get curious about it. What exactly is it about them? Do they remind you of someone?  What would a sexual fantasy with this person look like?

Once you’ve got a grasp on the chord this individual strikes with you, ask yourself: are these things that are missing in your partnership? From here you could build a plan on how to bring these missing ingredients into your bedroom or relationship. How can your partner fulfill these needs? Bring these ideas up honestly and gently.

It is also okay to bottle up all of that desire for yourself. I think that using what you’ve uncovered as masturbation fantasy fodder can be a safe way to act on those sexual urges.

Honesty with Our Partners

Another reason why these infatuations might get so blown out of proportion is that we feel we must hide them from our partners, feeling guilty about it. One healthy way to deal with the issue upfront is to not hide it at all, but gently talk about the crush with your partner. It could be as simple as “I find X attractive and I feel uncomfortable/guilty/excited about that.”

However without these discussions and knowledge, many partners might become angry/upset/hurt at the idea of you liking someone else. I can’t help but to speculate that this is probably because of their own feelings of sexual attraction or infatuation and the suppressed emotions they’ve been holding.

Goals

While honesty is always fantastic, I don’t think the goal is to tell your partner every time a ripe-bottom turns your head. The goal is for each person in the partnership to understand sexual responses are normal, to be curious about crushes and explore them and to know really and truly that they’ve got the other’s love. Not because that person has made them whole but because they are whole on their own and therefore worth love, trust and honesty.

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