When people enter into a monogamous relationship, it is often with the idea that they have found “the one.” The special person that supposedly holds the missing piece of their soul, someone that will solve all of their problems. In return they are somewhat expected no longer experience sexual infatuation with other people, just that one true-love. I think this stereotype is especially true for women.
Yet, in the large number of healthy adults, sexual response to attractive men or women is normal. It is okay to feel attracted to other people if you are monogamous, it is normal to fantasize or even feel a crush. This is something of a taboo and perhaps as a result, these normal sexual responses get blown up into huge fantasies, obsessions, secrets–and carried with them are feelings of guilt and neediness. Yet, what if it weren’t stigmatized, what if we talked open and honestly about outside sexual attraction to our partners, what if we understood that these feelings were a normal sexual response or something to explore? Would there be as much cheating, as much distrust? As much divorce? The reality is a double standard. These responses are natural but you are not supposed to think/talk/do anything about…it is no wonder then that for some these feelings spin out of control.
Seeing the Sexual Big Picture
Imagine that you are at a party. Say, an office party for your beloved significant other. Suddenly an extremely sexy person wanders into your view. You make eye-contact, and do that coy look away, glance back thing. Maybe you even exchange flirty-words. OMG. Now your mind is racing. Part of you is off in fantasy land, already in bed with this person. Other parts might be confused, already feeling guilty or bad. And perhaps yet another part has already moved past sex and is imagining moving in with them–could this person be your next significant other? Okay, slow down.
What if you were able to not get caught up in the moment, not let each tangled thought take over. Instead of building this web, what if you were simply able to realize, “ah yes I am just feeling a sexual response” Which is normal. Or even “I am feeling an infatuation with this person, I wonder why?” Granted it might be impossible to be this robotic and logical, especially in the heat of eye-contact. But does it have to be?
Strangers in Shining Armor
One of the things that I have found happens in these stranger-attraction situations is that we romanticize the sexual attraction, which given most of our backgrounds makes sense. Since the time we are children we are inundated with a rescue/romance fantasy. The idea pushed on us is that we will only be happy when we find our “other half”– that person holds the secret formula to make everything better for us. This is an illusion, one that can cut, ripping relationships to shreds because it is simply never, ever true.
No partner can live up to this ideal. No one can save you or fix you or make you truly whole and happy. Only you can do that, it is your responsibility to fix yourself, to make yourself whole. Having a partner is just that, it is a partnership…not a grand sweeping fairytale. But this Disneyfication is ingrained in us, when the ideal we were promised is not met by our loving partners, is it any shock that we project this old fixation onto attractive strangers? Yet this stranger can’t save you either…and the feelings you feel are indeed normal sexual responses.
Getting Curious: What does this Person have?
If you find yourself intrigued by a sexy somebody, it is helpful to get curious about it. What exactly is it about them? Do they remind you of someone? (& what did that person do for you? Is this part of a pattern?) What qualities are they exhibiting that you find so sexy? What would a sexual fantasy with this person look like? Or could it just be your evolutionary drive talking, is this person just obviously a good looking guy or gal that would make healthy bouncing babies?
Once you’ve got a grasp on the chord this individual strikes with you, ask yourself: are these things that are missing in your partnership? From here you could build a plan on how to bring these missing ingredients into your bedroom or relationship. How can your partner fulfill these needs? Bring these ideas up honestly and gently.
It is also okay to bottle up all of that desire for yourself. I think that using what you’ve uncovered as masturbation fantasy fodder can be a safe way to act on those sexual urges. This could even help is understanding that attraction and infatuation can be purely physical, finding sexual gratification without romanticizing it.
Honesty with Our Partners
Another reason why these infatuations might get so blown out of proportion is that we feel we must hide them from our partners, feeling guilty about it. I think this just begs a relatively brief encounter to grow and grow until suddenly that infatuation is all you can think about. One healthy way to deal with the issue upfront is to not hide it at all, but gently talk about the crush with your partner. It could be as simple as “I find X attractive and I feel uncomfortable/guilty/excited about that.”
This should come with a warning, you should have a conversation with your partner about sexual attraction within monogamy, realistically and honestly. If you do discuss these ideas, imagine the possibilities: your partner could understand these are just sexual responses and realize they are the lucky one who gets to cash in on them! Your partner could get curious about what X did for you and help explore that. Or they could just be grateful for the level of honesty you are bringing and thus the amount of trust between you.
However without these discussions and knowledge, many partners might become angry/upset/hurt at the idea of you liking someone else. I can’t help but to speculate that this is probably because of their own feelings of sexual attraction or infatuation and the suppressed emotions they’ve been holding.
Goals
While honesty is always fantastic, I don’t think the goal is to tell your partner every time a ripe-bottom turns your head. The goal is for each person in the partnership to understand sexual responses are normal, to be curious about crushes and explore them and to know really and truly that they’ve got the other’s love. Not because that person has made them whole but because they are whole on their own and therefore worth love, trust and honesty.
Subscribe to my blog!
Subscribe to my podcast!Related posts:
One Comment
I like this article and the advice it gives. It has been my hard won advice for some time and I have found this kind of wisdom to be quite rare.
2 Trackbacks
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by rabbitwhite, Joe Kerley. Joe Kerley said: Crushes Outside The Relationship – http://tr.im/HdQQ (via @rabbitwhite) [...]
[...] reading Crushes Outside The Relationship on Rabbit Write, & Can You Love Two People at Once? on SoulCast, I couldn’t help but [...]