What feelings or images does the word intimacy evoke? Some research I am doing for an upcoming article has me at the drawing board, re-thinking what intimacy is, and what it means to me. The ways we experience intimacy are incredibly vast and the ways we can explore intimacy are equally endless. Was your mental image of intimacy sexual? So often, as sexual beings, we equate intimacy with sex and it seems we see sex as the highest form of intimacy. Yet I don’t think that sex necessarily results in the greatest intimacy, I think there is true and deep intimacy without sex– and in turn sex without intimacy.
One interesting facet with intimacy is how we explore it in the early relationship, and whether it is through sex or not. The dating cliche is that early sex (usually before date three) is the kiss of death for the relationship. If there is any truth to this, could early non sexual intimacy send these same potential mates running? If you decide to withhold sex early on in a relationship, it is highly likely that either you or your partner will be be looking for that intimacy in other ways. This may lead to too much sharing too soon, or a dissolving of boundaries too quickly. It seems that withholding sex may then lead to the same sad fabled fate of sex-too-soon. This may sound like a situation where you just can’t win but I think what fixes this is discovering your own depth, boundaries and challenges with intimacy, preferably before beginning a relationship.
It is all about realizing what your patterns are. As I have written, in my early dating with Ned I withheld sex to break my own patterns. What may be healthy for some isn’t for others, it is about reflecting on what has gone wrong with intimacy in the past, whether it is sexual and physical or emotional and psychological. Intimacy is different for everyone.
Just as there needs to be the deepness of intimacy in a relationship, there should be plenty of sparkling light. Connecting honestly and vulnerably is a very heavy occurrence and there should be lots of laughter and frivolity in the relationship too. This is also a space where you can see if your intimacy is safe with them, is this person respectful and kind toward you when you aren’t being intimate? Being able to trust your vulnerability with someone is important, and is often hard to gauge in the heat of the heavy moment. Also having one creates the room for the other, and both heavy and light important to any successful or meaningful relationship.
To me, intimacy is one of the most precious of human experiences. Intimacy is trust, it is feeling safe enough to be emotionally vulnerable with another human being. Intimacy allows empathy, mirroring and is perhaps the most intense of all connections two people can have. It might be hard to imagine taking sex out of intimacy, to me intimacy is always a very sensual experience–even if it is not sexual. Ask yourself…what besides sex is intimate?
Sex might not be the highest form of intimacy but I think it is definitely the most common. I’ve always thought that sex was sort of like a short-cut to intimacy, a way to quickly connect but not as good as getting there through honest communication and vulnerability. We also don’t have many models for non-sexual intimacy, especially for those of us who did not grow up in households where feelings were honestly talked about and vulnerability felt safe. In films, TV and books we rarely see characters who have intimate moments that aren’t sexual. There are many times when a film could have it’s characters truly become vulnerable and relate…but instead a sex scene is substituted.
For me, the height of intimacy is engaging in radically honest, vulnerable exchanges. This is the Real-Time-Relationship method, which I have mentioned in the past. It is about being in the moment, honest about your feelings and thoughts in “real time”. When I am able to have truthful communications with people, when they respond with curiosity and help me dig into my feelings, when we both share and become incredibly honest I am left with such a shimmering body buzz. This level of intimacy brings a high that not even sex can duplicate.
