Men who are “in touch with their feminine side” are stale news. In the past few decades it has become almost the norm, the default for raising boys.
But I prefer the femme-y guys to alpha bros. I favor the sensitive chaps for two main reasons: 1.) I don’t think that a blind adherence to one gender and it’s stereotypes can make for a complete or interesting person, and 2.) I am a woman who is pretty in touch with her masculine side, so I need a guy with a gender-balance to match mine.
While the sensitive, sweater-core male is ubiquitous in our generation, society still draws tight lines for women between being butch and femme. But why should guys get all the exploration-fun? I say it is time we explore our masculine sides.
Being in touch with your masculine side doesn’t mean being into sports or farting in public. Seriously, because I could not get down with that. Getting in touch with one’s masculine side is about finding your “masculine” traits and presence. Getting in touch with your masculine side is about taking those traits that are seen as traditionally “masculine” and owning them. And there are some fantastic “masculine” traits to be owned: strength, courage, power, rationality, competitiveness, independence, ambition, confidence, assertiveness. From the time we are young and “dainty” girls, these masculine traits often are discouraged in us and eventually erased.
It isn’t about trying to act like one of the boys, but finding the masculine parts that are already inside of us. From the time that I was about three years old, there was a big part of me that identified more with boys, as male. This part hung out with my boy cousins, was a problem-solver and a trouble brewer, yet also seemed pretty grounded and level headed. I also had a side that was over-the-top girly and giggly, an empathetic part who took care of kittens and created elaborate games. In my mind the two me’s were different and gender-specific. I would later realize that this static separation is where problems would arise, getting in touch with my masculine side was key, but it could not be at the expense of my femininity.
This tom-boy part has camped out inside of me my entire life. Yet, while I celebrate masculinity and revel in this part, I am still pretty clueless about what it means to be a boy. In college I starred in a friend’s short film and for the last scene my female character wore drag. After calling it a wrap, I decided to try my new male look on my public.
Rabbit became Ryan. I colored my eyebrows in thick and figured that since we were hanging out in an art-school-dorm I should opt for 2006′s hipster look. I put on a fitted cap, bound my breasts under a boys tee and finished it with skinny jeans and Nikes. I looked in the mirror and tried to look tough as I snapped pictures on my phone.
I was rather taken with myself…between my short hair/long bangs combo and seedy mustache, I was pretty hot. Sadly, as it turned out, I was the only one who was into me. As a feminine lady standing at 5’1″, I’m afraid I didn’t quite make it as a guy.
I’ve done both “one of the guys” and the over-the-top feminine act at many times in my life. What I have found is that anytime I am living too much in one of these states, it doesn’t feel authentic. I end up feeling guilty about being too girly, or confused about being a woman when I act like a guy.
From exploring my masculine side I can bring a lot more to being a whole woman: I am not afraid to speak my mind; I am logical, and I can be assertive. If I hadn’t explored my tom-boy part these aspects could have easily remained buried. Exploring both sides has allowed for a truer femininity coming from a place of strength rather than some cartoon-ish gesture of being a woman. Being a full-woman takes a delicate balance of both.
Masculinity has become somewhat of a dirty word, which is sad because I think it is just as beautiful, legitimate and necessary as femininity. While I think there are some evolutionary and inherently separate female and male aspects to our genders, it is important to remember that masculinity is not just for the boys. What are your “manly” traits?
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What an amazing read! I think this is such a great topic. Living in the deep south, I often see how everyone is supposed to stick to their so-called “category.” Ladies are supposed to be ladies at all times, according to most people around here. (Don’t even get me started on some of the other taboos!) I definitely have always had a tomboy side to me, even though I have a definite femmy side too. Growing up, I chose softball and basketball instead of girl scouts, baggy & sporty tee shirts/long shorts for skirts/dresses, and a make-up less face and unruly wavy hair instead of a “cute” girl look. Today I still make some of those same choices and am enjoying the journey of finding out what masculine traits I might discover.
Pretty Robotic´s last blog ..If You Want to Destroy my Sweater…(Please Don’t!)
Thanks PR! Glad you could relate. I often wonder if it was my hick upbringing that had me running to feminism in my teens, it is so frustrating living in backward places that allow only for set gender roles. Cheers to your masculine traits!
I’m quick to throw a punch. I know it’s not a great masculine trait, but I’m pretty tactile when dealing with my anger. I’m also blessed with an uncanny knack for knowing what direction I’m facing or driving and I hate to stop and ask for directions, thus admitting I may be lost.
I’m also really good at math and accordingly with the above, geography. I was the IL math league champion in 8th grade – a competition I was blackmailed into by my algebra teacher as I never did one homework assignment but passed every test. I’m assertive to the point of pushy and I’m stoic and composed in even the most mind-numbing, hysteria inducing crisis. (This claim was proven when, during our non-evacuation from Hurricane Katrina, my home started taking on water.) I also was physically unable to cry in public under any circumstances.
I think a large part of this is that growing up, my mother was partially limited by the things she was unable to do [she grew up without a father and her mom wasn't a feminist role model by any means] and made sure that my father taught me how to swim, read a map and apply logical thought to problems. Being a girl was never an allowable excuse in my home. [Being a man wasn't either as my father, though 290 pounds and 6'5" will cry at the drop of a hat.] When I got older, I made it a point to learn to do things well that I’d seen women my mothers age refuse to do because they could have a man do them. Driving a stick, parallel parking and carrying anything heavier than my purse come to mind and looking back it may not have been a gender issue, but a blatant refusal to ask for help and feel beholden to someone. Sort of a “Give a man a fish, v. Teach a man to fish.” issue.
For years, my masculine traits overwhelmed all but the most fashionable feminine aspects of my personality, some empathy and compassion which was reserved for only my dearest friends and closest family. I’m not a fan of children and am only slowly warming up to domesticity as I like to eat good food and will cook to prevent consuming garbage daily.
However, strangely enough, my feminine side has “woke up” since I turned 30, quit drinking and drugs and found a mate. I’m now a raging ball of emotion, crying during dog food commercials and feeling a spiritual link to my fellow man that wasn’t there a year ago. While I still don’t consider myself girly by any stretch, I’m happy to have grown into womanly.
Airie,
I loved reading your account of femininity vs masculinity, thanks so much for sharing! It is truly inspiring to hear about you going after the traditional masculine tasks and abilities!! I also felt such happiness that with your strong male side down you found your femme side too. Fuck yes to strong women!
I know exactly what you mean about having a masculine side. I tend to be quite masculine in emotional matters. I’m very logical and tend not to get caught up in the emotion of things. I can usually work my way through emotional matters very quickly, yet I’m still in touch with it.
Having said that, when ‘time of the month’ hormones hit, I get much more stereotypically female, becoming emotionally volatile and not terribly logical at all.
I also seem to have a higher sex drive than most women I know.
Coralie, I am right there with you on the higher-sex-drive thing. That aspects highlights the cultural expectations for women as well. Women aren’t allowed to have high sex drives, if we do we are condemned as sluts, in the same vein women aren’t supposed to be logical, if we are we are cold bitches!
Thanks for sharing!
Great read again Rabbit, thanks for the insightful post sharing your experiences.
I grew up around men lol, for the first 5 years of my life I had my older brother and a lot of older male cousins I spent a lot of time with.
I have often found my feminine side and masculine side confusing to blend together, as a little girl I loved dolls, pretty dresses, ponies, kittens, all those sweet things, but I preferred hanging out with boys and that stuck with me throughout my teen years too.
If there is any trait in me that is traditionally seen as masculine it has to be independence. I can think of quite a few things I have done I know a lot of women would never have done with out some companions, and I take risks I know most women wouldn’t take either. My most stereotypically feminine aspect would have to be how emotional I can be, it doesn’t take much to make me cry and get soppy, and getting into a really long, girly chat about a variety of topics is something I love too.
Late comment, but great post.
Claire´s last blog ..Tales from the sketchpages 2
hey! great post. loved it. related.
who’s on that picture? just gotta know. fucking beauty.
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