Rabbit Write

“But do you think she is a bad person?” My friend was looking at me, her mouth gaping at the question mark of her inquiry. She was referring to a mutual friend, who she was thinking of ending the friendship with because it had grown stressful and unhealthy for them both. Her words were emphasized desperately, bad person mouthed like it’s letters were laced with arsenic.

In my experience most people shy from calling anyone this label, and when I have heard someone use this human-globalization it seems to be out of anger or spite, rather than from a place of truly knowing. It is hard to label someone fully bad, I think it is because this term is too simple to describe the full of human personalities, the vastness of our brains, choices, lives. I think there is truly no such thing as “good people” and “bad people”: instead there are often people who are defended, in a state of constant unconscious reaction and people who refuse to be, people who are self-aware.

In each of us lies the capacity for good and bad, this broadened view is something that is best illustrated by the psychological model of IFS (Internal Family Systems) which concludes that each person is made up of a sub-set of of  unique and different personalities, multiple selves. The “bad person” my friend was questioning about may have had a negative, “bad” part of her that was out of control, but like every person she also has the capacity for empathy, warmth and compassion. She may have been out of balance, but that doesn’t make all her of her “bad.”

So does that mean you should “love and forgive everyone?” If you know me, you already know I’m going to give a resounding “No”. Just because we all can be good or bad, defended or grounded, doesn’t mean those defended, negative people who’ve let abusive parts take over are right or even okay. We each have a responsibility to keep these parts in line, there is no excuse for abusive behavior. Even though I shy from labeling people simply “bad” I know that their bad behavior is their responsibility. While they have an inner self who means well, it doesn’t mean anything if they allow a negative part to run their life. You become whatever parts you project–while no one may truly be a “bad person” you can quite easily become one. You have an obligation to keep your parts (which are yourself) in order, in harmony and in line.

Just as we each have the capacity for good and bad, everyone also has the capacity for self-knowledge. This is something that I remind myself in meditation, all of the people that have been negative in  my life all have the capacity to do what I am doing, to heal themselves, to not react, to keep themselves grounded, connected, to replenish their self-energy and become strong, empathetic and self-loving. The tools for inner-harmony are in each one of us. No one has to be defended or unconsciously react, when this behavior goes on into adulthood it’s because this is the path that they choose. You have a responsibility for self-knowledge, no one else can give it to you.

Tips for dropping defenses and not reacting unconsciously ♥

• Most of the time you are indeed reacting unconsciously, we are all. The first step is becoming aware of that fact and exploring it.

• When you feel yourself growing angry/sad/hurt explore that emotion. Ask yourself if you remember another time feeling this way. Chances are if one comment triggered something explosive, it isn’t about now but something that happened in the past
• Remember the unconscious is not your enemy. The unconscious is full of wonderful keys and secrets to unlock your very being.
• In any altercation, explore the fact that you could be reacting unconsciously, defensively.
• Notice when you are defensively reacting. Even if you can’t stop it. Make a note in your journal about what you reacted defensively about.
• Watch for warning signs: eye rolling, yelling, cursing and feelings of contempt are never part of a healthy argument. They also usually point to being defended
• When past wounds are flicked (especially from childhood) unconscious reactions knee-jerking-ly follow.
• Always stop and reflect before you say things. I can catch when one of my “parts” wants to say something, but when I take my time I also catch that it not from the true self.
• If you find yourself in a heated argument, just stop. Sometimes it is much easier to gain clarity on our defensiveness if we step out of the situation.
• Understanding that you can be wrong is a journey it itself. As curious people of the world, we should strive to be interested in the spots where we are wrong, what happened here? What was going on for me unconsciously?
• Become an emotional detective, putting together the puzzle pieces on your life. Be curious about how  your experiences shaped you, how your unconscious and the experience of your past affects you now.
• According to Dr. Harville Hendrix we choose partners who touch on those unconscious childhood wounds so we can fix them, if you can manage to not unconsciously react when  your partner trips over these, you can begin to figure yourself out.

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4. The Problem with Forgiveness
5. The Beauty of Personal Freedom (Or Why I don’t talk to my Parents)