I’m coming on this late, but this post spoke to me.
I agree with you that there really are grey areas of consent, that it makes situations like those that have been brought up, perhaps easier to process and understand because these things can be very difficult to make sense of when they have happened to you- particularly at the hands of someone you care about. And it’s that particular sense of shame and confusion that give rape and the grey areas between rape and not rape an extra pointiness inside.
The last time I saw my ex boyfriend, we hadn’t seen each other in a while (I was trying to break up with him), and that couldn’t have helped his reading my body language, he fingered me and performed oral on me when I didn’t want it, when I’d told him before I saw him that I didn’t want to go there- and he had gotten me so physically aroused, my body really wanted that contact. But mentally, I still didn’t, I just got to a point where I had pushed his hand away so many times, and indicated (but not strongly enough, apparently) that I didn’t want it, and I just felt like he should have gotten the message by then…. In my mind I kept wanting to say no, but I felt like I couldn’t and then I felt like I needed to not let him see that I didn’t want it, and to just suck it up, because I’d fantasized about rape before and… afterwards I really felt like I had raped myself.

Later I started seeing his responsibility in it, and I tried to talk to him about it, but he just didn’t understand- honest to god, he thought he had gotten me into the mood and I’d decided I wanted it after all and everything was OK and he had no idea– and I believe him–but I just, never was able to get him to understand and of course he got angry at me for accusing him of rape and… well, I got him the hell out of my life. But I still wonder if I haven’t made a mountain out of a molehill. I talked to my therapist about what had happened and she acted like it was no big deal, I think I talked to my mother about it too with the same result, and I don’t really want it to be a big deal, I don’t want anyone to say “oh my god, what a terrible thing happened to you” but it affected me in a pretty big way, and sometimes I still think maybe something much worse should have happened to me, for how much I’ve let it hurt me- and I’m hesitant to call it rape, because I really could have stopped him, but I didn’t and after a certain point, I hid that I wanted it to stop.

I have to be so careful with myself now- any sexual contact I don’t absolutely want leaves me feeling depressed- even if it’s just kissing. Luckily I’ve found a few people I’ve been absolutely over the moon about having sex with and those experiences have been lovely.

And yet while I think that waiting for enthusiastic consent is very important- I think that there are times, in a healthy relationship when both partners need to give a little that maybe they’re not thrilled to give- I am not suggesting rape, or anything that should be close to its grey areas, but sometimes your partner wants something that you may not be enthusiastic about giving. Say there’s a woman who doesn’t enjoy giving blow jobs, but her boyfriend loves them. As long as it doesn’t physically or emotionally hurt her to do so, I believe that it’s part of her responsibility if she’s in an exclusive relationship with this guy to go down on him, at least every once in a while- and that it’s his responsibility to reciprocate and do things he may not be into for her pleasure as well. They may even discover that they actual enjoy giving these things, even though their initial feelings about the matter were less than enthusiastic- less than enthusiastic, but not the feeling of saying yes to something that is bad for them.

Jennifer,
Thank you too, for your courage in sharing this. I think the feelings you brought up are something many of us can relate to. Thank you for helping give a voice to all women who have experienced rape, or sex they feel unsure/gray about.

Thank you for this post. You touched on the ‘violence culture’ that I see everywhere. I also call it the ‘bully culture’. It’s everywhere, sold as many things from “tradition” to “national security” to “just the way things are”. Of course, the people making that sales pitch are the bullies. It permeates every facet of our lives from the cradle to the grave.

Your post here gives voice to the experience of many and shines a light on the very real impact as it lands across all of us. Mothers, sisters, daughters, friends, neighbors and people we meet every day of our lives.

Rape, covered up with alcohol, intimidation, peer and family pressure, threats, shame, fear and naivete. I don’t have anything good to say about this. I thank you for the post – very much.

-arvan

Thanks for this as it helps with the editorial conversation we’re having over the post I mentioned at the top.

Kevin,
It is complicated because of how we are raised, we are not really taught to access our feelings and preferences in the moment, much less be honest about them. This goes back the the quoted material from Richard Schwartz in the piece. Personally I think it is always out of fear that women don’t say no, whether it is something ingrained in them, or they sense that in the situation it would be safer to NOT say no… or it could be triggering older memories of similar situations. Thanks so much for reading!!

I’d never thought about the difference between yes ( or more likely no refusal) and and enthusiastic fuck yea when it comes to sex. Even though I employ this method in my day to day dealings with people so I don’t make anyone uncomfortable and make them feel like they have to do something they don’t!