Photo Cred: Hannah and Landon
I lost my virginity at age 15. In that year the term virgin had become something of an affliction. I was eager to get rid of it yet I wanted to lose it to someone cool, someone I would feel proud to say I lost my virginity to. At 15 I found someone perfect for the job. He was a senior, gorgeous, popular and cool, I was totally giddy over him. I lost it on a snowy school night in December. Sneaking out of the house around midnight, I held my shoes in my hand as I nervously ran to his car.
I remember him hoisting me up to tumble into his bedroom window, I remember the blacklight lamp and the Ginuwine album that played on repeat (not the one with “Pony” but the one with “So Anxious”…pivotal in setting the scene) Afterward, we cuddled up naked and I gazed into this eyes with a rush from my heart, feeling scared and excited. This was something huge…a turning point in my life and I wanted to remember every moment. He turned to me looking straight back into my eyes, “Want a Capri Sun?” He asked.
Virginity faces girls with some serious contradictions. It is something that is hugely built up. The messages we get are all about virginity being a precious gift. Something that should be held onto tightly and given away with reverence and gravity. Yet in the teen world virginity was something that my friends and I were more than ready to get rid of. Strong cultural expectations come into play as well, we are supposed to be “good” girls yet are also taught to be sexy, creating a sexual dilemma. Personally, I thought of losing my virginity as a crucial experience, a profound part of growing up, a symbol of womanhood and childhood left behind.
After I’d done it, my giddy crush quickly escalated into an obsession. At first I tried to play it cool, pretending to not care when he wouldn’t call but planning weekend nights around the possibility that he might drop by. When he stopped calling my cool melted into a fury, I became a mini-mess of a lady scorned. It was over Christmas break and I had a lot of time on my hands. I wanted to call him every 5 minutes… so a mere 5 times a day seemed totally okay. I was finally met with “Please stop calling here” from a sibling. I was hurt, angry I began to feel dark and hopeless, spiraling into a depression.
Dr. Laura M. Carpenter conducted a study about what happens when people lose their virginity. Dr. Carpenter says whether we had a good or bad experience comes down to one question: What were our expectations? Dr. Carpenter groups virginity loss into three different categories. The first are the “gifters.” These people seek romance, they want to give their virginity to someone special and they want it to be perfect. When these expectations are not met they are devastated. Next are the “Stigmatized” who we culturally associate with men. They see virginity as a burden that needs to be shed. Those who deal with virginity loss best though, according to Carpenter, are the “Processors” who see virginity loss as a rite of passage and are more likely to plan out their virginity loss.
However, my experience was not this black and white. I had a bit of each of these parts in me. With the contradictory messages we receive I think losing your virginity is rarely able to be boxed totally into categories like these, I think most everyone is influence by all three.
An old friend of mine didn’t lose her virginity until age 21. This was hard to believe as she was a teeny, tan, party girl who went out to clubs every night for the sole purpose of meeting men. She seemed to be set in the “gifter” category. Her virginity was something she’d held onto through highschool and most of college. However her virginity was also a burden. She often told me she felt torn, she’d held onto it this long but she really just wanted it over with. The topic brought her big brown eyes to dewy anime proportions and intense nail biting would ensue.
In the end she decided to just get it over with. She was at a concert seeing an indie-dance band who were pretty popular in the mid 2000’s during that whole indie boy-band thing. He was the lead singer and her neon AA mini-dress got his attention. I knew it was trouble when she called me the next day from his vacant hotel room. “And he told me he would move to the South of France with me” she cooed. At the time her situation seemed opposite of how I lost my virginity, but neither of us were totally boxed into categories, we were both meshed with wanting something special and wanting to get it over with. And neither ended well.
So what about boys? Virginity is something that carries a lot of gender stereotypes. The messages from our culture tell us girls want to hold onto their precious flower but boys are constantly trying to get rid of their virginity. I don’t think this is true and studies back that up. Carpenter found in her study that there really is no difference between the guys and the girls. A report by teen specialist Dr. Jennifer Austin Leigh found that after losing their virginity to someone that they felt didn’t value it, 30% of teen guys were depressed or anxious, some reporting self mutilation.
When I set out to write this post it was with the thought of “Why did I become a crazy-stalker after I lost my virginity?” I know a lot of my friends have recounted similar stories, of writing long embarrassing love letters or drunken explosions at parties. Ann Meier at University of Minnesota recently conducted a survey finding that not everyone falls into a depression after losing their virginity, but a distinct percentage do. People who lose their virginity at a younger age (girls before 15 and boys before 14) and people whose relationships dissolve after sex are far more vulnerable to fall into depression.
Losing my virginity was a personal and momentous experience and I don’t think I would take it back if I could. A part of me still remembers the details fondly, feeling soft toward the situation, even though I began to deteriorate into depression afterward. This December will mark the 10-year-anniversary of the loss of my virginity–which kinda just makes me feel either really old or really slutty. Losing my virginity became another one of those hardships that get buried in memory. Processing and trying to understand what happened now does make me feel more at peace, in control. It is truly never too late to start working through the past.
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18 Comments
Wow. Great article, felt quite sad reading it, very brave to post.
A guy on the bus the other day was crying down the phone to his seemingly ex girlfriend ‘BUT YOU TOOK MY VIRGINITY GEMMA!!!’ Crying/violently angry. It seemed very painful and scary for him.
Part of me wonders if it becomes a continual abuse, e.g. someone takes mine, treats it like nothing, I do the same to someone else, them to someone else..Etc. This WEIRD intimate/indifferent combination.
As someone who never felt ’seen’ emotionally by my parents, I felt this compulsion to be impressive to get it, which is probably not the best state of mind to look for your first sexual partner with.
It was a similarly confusing burden, with thoughts of ‘but maybe the virginity does make me special somehow’ but also ‘eww I do not want to be admired as this innocent virgin girl child.’ Baaad options.
Thanks for the comment
I think the question of it becoming continual abuse is most interesting. After I lost my virginity it was about 6 months before I had sex again…and this time I would be the one taking the virginity. I think you may be right…that may not be totally coincidental! I know what you mean about feeling like you’ve got to be impressive…I felt this need to be ultra sexual and porn star-into it the first time, geesh I should have just listened to myself and taken it easy. There’s plenty of time for all that. Yeah I also agree that there is no way to win with the virgin/whore complex thrusted on women, both=bad.
Rabbit, you touch on the cultural emphasis that is on girls to be both sexy and demure. The virgin/whore complex which is foisted upon all women at a young age, is warping our sense of what’s what. I don’t think the question is “what’s up with girls, boys, or each of us individually?” I think the question is, ” what’s up with our moral panicked society culturally forcing the meaning of virginity on us?” There’s a lot of emotions attached to it, but what of that is our own making and what is influenced by our culture? I’d like to see more people (especially women) demanding that those talking heads, relatives, educators, religious folks, etc. that are enforcing these stigmas, stuff it and allow everyone to make the choice that is right for their bodies, minds, and partners.
There certainly are a lot of important decisions people have to make before having sex: consent, contraception use, and protection against STI’s are the big ones. This is where society’s focus should be. These are real problems and dangers. Not whether or not someone is a virgin, or at what age they make the consensual desicion to have sex. I think all of that should be de-emphasized. Once we take the importance off that term, I think young people can make more well reasoned decisions about sex.
Thanks for writing this post and talking candidly about your first time. This is the kind of discussion I’d like to see more women having. I’m working on an outline now for a new blog about virginity. Let me know if you wanna chat about it.
Suggested Reading:
The Purity Myth
http://jessicavalenti.com/?page_id=38
It certainly is a curious question, “what of it is our own making and what is defined by our culture?” I must admit this went through my head as I read the studies about depression and loss of viginity. While the studies were interesting and made sense I couldn’t help but wonder…but how much of this depression is simply triggered by what society tells us our expectations should be! Surely as you suggest if the emphasis were taken off of the obsession with virginity and placed onto sexual awareness then people wouldn’t be spiraling into depression as much afterward. I look forward to reading your post on virginity! Perhaps you could post in in the comments so readers could also enjoy
I love how honest you are in sharing your experiences. It made me think back to see which category I fit into, but you’re right, it wasn’t black or white for me either, I actually don’t think I fit into any of the three. I think I walked a very thin line between being sluttish and prudish because most of my peers assumed I lost my virginity because of who my boyfriend was and I let everyone think that because I didn’t want to admit that I wasn’t ready. It seems like a lot of girls struggle with that issue and neither have a very good stereotype, so why can’t there be a happy medium? In hindsight, it’s weird to think how much emphasis is put on virginity or lack there of because now it’s not an issue. I am in a relationship and I can have sex every night or all day long and that’s not slutty or my bf and I can not have sex for two weeks straight simply b/c we’re busy and that’s fine too. So again I’m walking that line, but now, in my twenties it doesn’t matter b/c i already lost my virginity and i’m comfortable with myself and my sexuality to not exploit it or withhold it. But perhaps I would not be as secure with who I am sexually and personally if I did not have those conflicting desires as a teenager. Great Post!
Rach, really well done article, and very interesting. A lot of the info you put in it I didn’t know and never heard of. Sorry, your experience ended up the way it. Dude shouldn’t of did you like dat. You have a great memory also.
Great article and very interesting. You also have a great memory. The capri sun part is great girl
Oh, the First Time. So overrated, but what do you expect when you elevate a diaphanous piece of skin to cult status . . . .
It’s like when you get your First Period, and you expect the sky to open up and rain confetti and pink balloons and you look down and your breasts have suddenly grown to the size of basketballs and burst your brassiere and all of your female relatives suddenly appear in the bathroom with a brass band playing “She’s a Jolly Good Fellow” and a lifetime supply of tampons in tow and shout all together “WELCOME TO WOMANHOOD!!!”
Also,is that Hannah Metz’s lovely bum I spy in the photo at the top? You should link to her site so others may enjoy the wealth!
-Alex
alex I am srsly loling my ass off. I went to the couch 5 mins later and am still cracking up.
For shes a jolly good felllowwwwwwww!
OMG then you would have loved my first period. I was in Miami, my mom told all the relatives and there was a cake for my “special occasion” at a family party. Everyone kept winking and shaking my hand.
i remember this just like yesterday!! the capi sun, i totally forgot about that, i also don’t remember someone telling u not to call anymore, mean!
rememeber that night he came over with his friend, we were in the car and i asked for a cigarette and the friend replied “only in the backseat!!!!!”, why didn’t i go back there?!?!?!?
oh by the way, i’ve been having sex for 12 years and i feel slutty!
is that u in the pic at the top??
I’ve found that the loss of virginity itself happened in a pretty picturesque way, but the biggest thing was having the emotional support as I processed it in the days and weeks later. Even though I had an almost fantasy-like positive experience, trying to figure out what it meant to me and how to deal with the new channel of sexual expression threw me through a lot of loops. Looking back I wish I’d had somebody by me for that.
Love the article.
Your story is very touching, and I can sympathize. Although I lost my virginity at about the same age as your friend that you mentioned in the story, I went a little stalker-esque myself.
I think it’s because, feeling comfortable enough with someone to actually physically give yourself to them takes a lot. So, when it does happen and you don’t get the response you expected from the other person afterwards, it’s heartbreaking.
In my case, the guy really turned out to be a piece of work. I let myself be the victim. With age comes wisdom, I guess? Like someone said in the comments, you come to realize that the whole raining confetti thing just doesn’t exist. I think often times people are lucky if they share their first time with someone they truly love. Most of the time it’s fleeting romances.
To some people, it means nothing and they can’t understand why it would. Funny enough, I had a bet with one of my friends when I was about 15. We said that the summer after grade 10 was over, it was our goal to have sex. She followed through on it, but I couldn’t do it.
My body is like my own personal temple to me. Not just anyone is going to get to see it, much less poke around. haha.
Alright I’m not sure how completely lame I am going to sound, but I just need to put this all out there.
Trying to make a long story short,about two and a half weeks ago I lost my precious “diaphanous piece of skin” haha:)
I had put TONS of thought into it,since I was about 12 actually,perfecting how it would definately be.It turned out pretty close actually,to my fairytale.Cute guy,one I wasnt completely invested in but adored me,at his parents house alone,right after he played guitar for me(we actually played a game of checkers too,did not see that coming) but anyways we eventually ended up in a sweaty yelling smiling mess tangled in his sheets.
He said wonderful things that should be only in movies,wanted to cuddle,and even held my hand the whole car ride back to my house at 4 am.
Well in coming home at such an indecent time I got grounded,actually grounded,and had my phone and my laptop taken away which I recently got back.
Anyways,afterwards I felt this deep sense of connection with him,and I know this doesnt mean that I am in love with this guy,but at that moment when I was looking at him right in the eyes and realized that I was changed in bigger ways than I thought,I had thoughts of love that came with the act of giving myself to him,basically.
So I want to know why now Ive been feeling so god damn depressed?I mean really all the works.I cry at the very mention of anything that reminds me of him,which is everything.No apetite,nausea,my body literally aches from emotional pain,I feel lonely empty,and completely withdrawn from the world.And in getting my lines of communication back,I find that he does not want anything to do with me and has in fact moved on with several other girls.
What really gets me is that I still feel connected with him no matter how much I want him to be of little importance to me as I am to him.Ive tried talking to my own mother about this as a last resort and bless her heart she tried,but she really did not understand.
Reading your article I feel like I really could identify with everything you said,about your first time;your feelings before and after,etc. So how did you get over it?Because I see absolutely no way out of these feelings.
Vanessa,
Thanks for writing, I really feel for you and your situation. I think that deep sense of connection is natural and sadly so is the depression
. I’ve been there and can attest that it feels like the single worst feeling in the world, like constant misery, like waiting to die but it WILL pass, I promise. The only way out of it is to feel it, acknowledge the depression (as you already are!) and work through it. So you seem to be doing a great job so far. This can also be a time to learn more about yourself, the more deeply we feel the more I think we can learn about ourselves. I suggest keeping a steady journal, taking up an emotionally-expressive activity such as painting or photography. Meditation and therapy or art therapy are also great avenues for this as well.Just remember to be extra gentle with yourself during this time, set aside time to do nice things for yourself, try to stay in the moment and in your body during the lows, as bad as they hurt. Strive to become you-positive steer away from self-destruction even as it may be a struggle. It might take a long time to work through this and that is okay. Just be your own best friend through this time, being gentle with yourself and staying safe. I promise it will get better. And when it does then you can start figuring out what went wrong, processing the relationship, why you chose this guy, what he did for you so you can learn from it and not repeat a similar mistake down the road. This is a big deal, and this could be a life changing time for you. Just remember that this won’t be forever, take care of yourself during this time! Stay strong and thanks so much for sharing.
Thank you for sharing that, it was a well thought-out entry. I definitely fall into the “gifter” category, I still haven’t lost my virginity at the age of 21. I can sympathize with your friend, sometimes I think it’d be easier just to lose it, because I’ve been propositioned for sex by boys that I might’ve liked a romp in the sack with but wouldn’t want to “lose my virginity to.” It does seem like a burden at times. But most of the time, I am fairly certain I want to lose my virginity to someone I love, who loves me back, so I am content with waiting.
SassyGirl´s last blog ..Change.
hey, i am a 20 y old guy and still virgin
, but good things are on way i am now on vacation in thailand and gonna throwing it out, anyway there is no diffrent for guys and girls in virginity.
Vanessa- I also would like to add that your mother grounding you for having sex is also entirely fucked up for your sex life, self-esteem and everything else. If she can’t see that of course she won’t be able to talk to you about it. You do have a right to feel angry about that!
Sassy Girl- Yeah I feel for you, as my friend always said once you’ve held onto it through all that you might as well wait. I think it’s lovely and probably a good decision of you to wait until you find a love! <3
Ashkan, I agree that it is the same for both genders, this is something that needs to be understood!