Boy meets Girl–or Boy and upon a drink bought and sheets tossed in, something happens. Getting to know one and other goes past the one night stand hump, past the few weeks emergency-stage and into the territory of relationship. Then, it can become a time-bomb ticking away to that one day. In mine and Ned’s relationship it came one afternoon in November. One of those perfect crisp fall days. Somehow we’d ended up on the floor of the dining room, rolling around laughing and kissing, when he dropped it: “Move in with me.”
Living together as a part of dating is nearly de rigueur these days, hardly the taboo it once was. But this is pretty new territory we couplings are vastly covering. While we are all out here on a limb in our modern dance of commitment, what can we learn from each other?
In my experience, living together (no matter what the reason or goal) adds a level of intensity to the relationship. If you’ve ever thought it would be a great idea to move in with a friend, this surely sounds familiar. And your roommate also being your significant other can add even more fuel to that fervor.
When I first moved in with Ned, it seemed to simply exacerbate all the little things that before hid in shadows. I moved into his apartment, his space having never shown him the catastrophe of clothing-bombs and cat-pee that was my old digs. In the beginning of a relationship it is natural to want to put your best foot forward, not advertise certain things about yourself, like the fact that you live out of a suitcase and pile of dirty clothes…. er you know, that your belly button has a weird smell.
I moved in with Ned in that initial state of constant self-policing. The only feeling that can really capture this is the one that you get in your stomach, the bubbling pressure that causes you to scoot your butt around on the couch as you silently watch a movie, as if your held-in-fart were a hot potato between your butt-cheeks…. It’s uncomfortable.
But there actually are tougher things to living together than making great strides to not to fart or poop around your lover. I think that living together, no matter how you slice it, is increased commitment. It is accepting your partners quirks, habits (and farts.) It is shared responsibility, shared tasks and shared time.
It soon becomes clear what model of relationship you are in, the old wounds your partner carries (and how you hit them), the patterns you might be helping one and other re-create and where you are each defensive. It can lead to sink or swim. Will you work to build a strong foundation? Help your partner understand their own patterns and history? Work to see past your partners defenses and drop your own?
According to the research of John Gottman, in relationships where criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stone-walling are present, splitting up is inevitable. Gottman was able to accurately predict whether couples would make it or call it quits, 90% of the time, from short conversation alone.
Living together happily is a lot of hard work and can certainly be a test of the relationship. Of course there’s also a lot of great stuff in it too. It’s hours in bed laughing and caressing on a Saturday morning, making delicious pad thai together on an ordinary Tuesday and slippery hugs in the shower before work. It’s not just someone to come home to, but someone to care for in the long process of understanding the many facets of another person– someone to care for you and work to understand your multiple-dimensions.
So what is the difference between living together and being married? For some people, there might not be a difference. Living together to you might be the ultimate commitment, or some other commitment that isn’t the institution of marriage might be. But for me, marriage was it. Living together is like heading up a major project with your partner, but marriage is like going into business together.
Okay, it’s true, but a little dry. A good marriage is a high, it creates a space that is safe and authentic where you can each fully become yourselves. It builds an organic buzz that permeates the whole apartment, the couple, the work they do and the people they know.
So do you need to live together before you get married? Of course not, it is different for everyone. But let’s just say that I think this generation of people “living in sin” are very, very smart.
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2 Comments
oh wow another great one from you Rachel! I sometimes feel so sad about how me and ash live, he does nights, i do days, we work all over the clock, some days i barely see him, saturdays (or any day or night) are rarely ever spent together and i do a lot of activities on my own!
Thank goodness the end is nigh with his night shifts as we predict he will be able to leave his terrible job within 2-3 months *whew*!!!
I love tagging along for the ride into your mind and life, Rabbit. I get the benefit of your thoughts without feeling like an interloper. You have an effortless style of narration and reflection that both illustrates your perspective and invites my own in for comparison.
- arvan
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