Rabbit Write

When I was little there was a playground song about new and old friends, “One is silver and the other gold” we’d sing, clasping hands and skipping around in a circle. Best Friends Forever is a mantra of girl culture. But this idea stretches beyond the quarter machine BFF necklaces of childhood and into adulthood with the Sex and the City fantasy where life-long friendships (and expensive footwear) are all that really matters. But does life-long ever really happen? And should it?

So often we hold onto relationships well after they’ve run their course. I know my facebook account is messy with childhood friends, highschool class mates and college acquaintances. I used to actively hold onto a lot of these old relationships, sinking free-time into long phone calls and catching up over IM.  If I was bored, running errands or just alone there was always some friend I could call, someone I could babble to. For me, this was filling my life with a constant noise, it was a distraction from what was really going on in my life and in my head. I think it is important to ask of all friendships: what is this person bringing to my life besides a shared history?

Relationships are time-consuming and at their best are well worth the effort. For putting that time in, you deserve a friend who isn’t just going to listen to you, who’s not just down to ruminate or be nostalgic with you but a friend who inspires you. You deserve a friend who makes you think, who adds to the conversation and makes you feel alive, who is helping you to be the best you possible. While I am all about having large social networks, I think we only have so much room for close friend relationships. If you are filling that friend space with people who aren’t fulfilling you, then you’ll never get the intellectually and emotionally stimulating friends that you deserve.

If  you don’t have friends who fulfill you, it is highly unlikely that you are fulfilling your friends either. Relationships take equal work from both halves, if the relationship feels lopsided that may be something to re-examine. While it is not always easy to see, the destructive nature of the relationship works both ways.

We’ve all seen friendships end, yet it remains something of a taboo. When a friendship does break it is often uncomfortable  and confusing for both ends. I think this is because we are taught that our friendships are supposed to last forever, but in reality the end of friendships is quite natural. Ending a relationship is going to be emotional since it is essentially a break-up. Yet in my experience it is rarely as cut and dry as a being dumped – often friendships still loom.

When I started to drift away from my old set of friends it took awhile for me to realize I needed to cut them out completely in order to grow. I had mostly stopped hanging out with them but once in awhile I would pick up a phone call. The name would flash on my cell screen and I’d feel a pang of anxiety, sadness and nostalgia. But talking never helped anything, even if the conversation seemed to go smoothly I would feel down afterward. It took insight and trusting myself to see the attacks and drama embedded in the “normal” conversations.

If you are thinking of breaking off a friendship, it is important to ask yourself if your friend is truly a person you value. Are they virtuous? Do they share the same values as you? If the answer is yes but the friendship isn’t working, a temporary break can be quite healthy for the relationship. Part of the beauty of friendships is the ability to drift away and reconnect. If you know the relationship was  negative, destructive or one that you weren’t getting real value from then I think the only answer is to cut that person out completely, just as you would with an ex.

Life is about growth, and as you grow you will change. In all relationships, self esteem attracts like self esteem. You cannot be much happier, more aware or healthier than your close friends. As you make changes and your self worth grows you may find that your friendships no longer quite fit. Ending relationships that you “aren’t supposed to” feels like jumping off a cliff, but I think  holding onto relationships that you’ve outgrown is intellectual stagnation. It can truly be detrimental,  preventing you from further self-growth and discovery.

If you are thinking of ending a friendship

• If you think there is something that’s worth holding onto or that your friend can grow with you then talk to your friend openly and honestly about how you feel around them and experience their friendship. This is the Real Time Relationship method, something I’ve blogged about in terms of friendship in the past. This sort of honesty is very hard, but it will quickly show you the depth and shape of your relationship with this person.
• If the friendship is something that doesn’t fit right now, but you think there is hope for that person to be in your life later you can always explain what you’re feeling about it and that you need a break.
• If you don’t want to talk honestly about what is going on or are too scared because you feel like it won’t go well or you already know what their reaction will be then your instincts about that person are probably right. You can feel free to stop answering calls, block their number and just learn from the relationship and move on. If this is the case, therapy would be a great option for you to understand what drew you to the relationship in the first place and will help you to prevent destructive situations in the future. If you don’t take this admittedly challenging and uncomfortable step, it is very likely your next friendship will end much the same way.

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Related posts:

1. Ask Rabbit: How to not “just be friends” with someone you like
2. The torrid affair of the BFF
3. The Problem with Forgiveness
4. revolution friendship-style now (girl talk)
5. The Beauty of Personal Freedom (Or Why I don’t talk to my Parents)