If you are going to have sex you need to use protection, if you don’t then blah blah blah. We all know this; it should be procedural. But…we don’t always use protection. Sometimes a lot less than we should. Contracting an STD or hearing that someone that you know has one is a bit appalling. It’s that whole “But it can’t happen to me” cliche. In reality something like 1 in 4 girls has had an STD, it isn’t rare and shouldn’t be shocking.
It goes without saying that STD’s are taboo. In my experience STD information is presented by using scare tactics and hints of shaming. Because of this I think we feel sort of separated from them — just think of how you learned about STD’s in health class. If it was anything like my experience it included a teacher who veiled their bubbling embarrassment with harshness, presenting photos of graphic worst case scenarios and using unpleasant and unsympathetic language. More than just STD’s being stigmatized I think any condition having to do with the genitals is somewhat unmentionable: yeast infections, hemorrhoids, even periods to some extent. This makes me think that our reaction must come from early childhood when GENITALS=BAD AND DIRTY was beaten into us . However, there is no doubt that STD’s are seen as worse than other genital conditions.
I say we need to bring STD’s out of the closet. We need to become more sex-positive when it comes to STD’s.
I’ve had two STD’s in my life. After a few months of trying to convince myself that I had a bad case of razor burn, I scheduled a pap knowing I had genital warts. At the time I was in college and didn’t have insurance. I had to go to my parents house to see the family doc at the office where my mom worked. I told my mom what was up and received some hefty shaming. All I could muster up was to cry back ”Mom, what do you want me to do, I have warts. I need to go to the Doctor.” I got the treatment and went back to the city with even more misery about the whole thing than I left with. After about two weeks of settling into a life of staying in to watch movies with my cat and remembering to put weird cream on my vagina before bed, I received a call from my Gyn. My results were back and I also had chlamydia.
Refusing to face my mom again, I called Dr. Rick, an over tanned coke-head doctor who hung out in the bar of the restaurant where I worked. Dr. Rick was a little older and sort of on the creepy side but was always more than willing to give me a xanax in exchange for some conversation and a few drinks with him. I told him I needed meds because I had an STD. “Let me guess, chlamydia” He said. “How did you know?” I asked. “Everyone your age has it” he said nonchalantly. Dr. Rick told me he could help, there were meds he could score for me and they would cost about $60. “Can’t you get me more of a discount?” I asked. “Well there is a cheaper treatment but it is multiple pills a day and you HAVE to take them all” It was a done deal. For the next week I swallowed nasty tasting horse-sized pills 5 times a day and killed off chlamydia.
Months went on and the warts however persisted. They nagged at my self esteem opening a new avenue for self attack. Warts are by definition ugly and they covered my vagina. I thought I’d never have a pretty vag again. My self esteem just deteriorated and I felt miserable. I kept half-heartedly telling myself I wouldn’t have sex, then I would go out and see a pretty boy and it would be over. I would bring them home and drunkenly pray that they were also drunk enough not to notice…or care. When this kept happening I considered gluing jewels over each of the warts to hide it…but decided that might just draw more attention. My self esteem was so low and I didn’t care enough about myself to re-think my choices or face what happened. I was too ashamed to say anything so I went on bumping uglies with my bumpy vag, passing the disease on and on.
I don’t think I’m alone in this or that my story is unique. What upsets me about this situation is that it really does not have to be this way. STD’s could be a positive thing, they could be a turning point. What I mean is they can provide a time to change your approach to sex and become truly sex positive. I really cannot think of a better time than after being diagnosed an STD to reflect on your sexual experiences and ask yourself what is not working. I slept with people who couldn’t tell me that they had STD’s then I went on to do the same. Had I reflected and made changes — whether that be insisting on protection or only sleeping with people who I knew I could trust in addition to protecting myself — there could have been a lot of pain saved and a lot of realization and growth here.
Months later after the warts had cleared up I was hooking up with a cute, skinny, brown eyed boy. Just as things were getting hot–rolling around in bed, my hand over his jeans, tugging at his belt– he stopped me. “I cant” he said. “Why?” I asked. “I can’t…I… have genital warts” he stammered. I couldn’t help the smile that spread across my face. “Oh, that is totally okay” I said, pausing slightly before adding “I’ve had them before too.” We both burst out into a long laugh. We talked about what an inconvenience it is and how the med-cream you have to use smells sort of odd. Then he proceeded to give me some nice safe pleasuring and I left happy. I’ve got to say that on his part it was very brave and pretty sex positive.
So it may be that all we learned in school (and often from our families as well) is that STD’s are bad and scary: if you have them than you are a dirty person worth shaming and looking down upon. But this is just not true! Look at the statistics; if that were the case think of how many of your best friends, relatives, people you’ve dated and people you look up to would be gross and dirty. Allowing STD’s to be stigmatized only helps to spread them and can be dangerous to those who have them through not seeking proper treatment.
I think STD’s could use a little normalization, but first and foremost they need to be dealt with in a timely and healthy manner. Looking back it was not safe that I essentially went to a street doctor for treatment. So many things could have gone wrong there, and it’s sad that I experienced such heavy shaming that it was all I felt safe doing. It takes alot of courage to face the reality of the situation and the degredation that comes along with it. If you are in this situation you need to get treatment as early as possible and re-think your sexual life for your sake, for your emotional and physical health. I want to bring STD’s out of the closet, the more we become open about this, the more we can talk about it afterwards, the more we can rely on each other for support and in turn the more sex positive we all become.
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5 Comments
Very well done. Thank you.
Thanks Blue Gal. I really appreciate your input and support. <3
The Rabbit speaks the truth! It’s really interesting how on a near daily basis, a subject such as this comes up in which I really haven’t adapted my original propaganda laden thoughts. Thanks for the kick in the ass!
I actually didn’t learn all those negative things about STDs, but I didn’t learn anything about them period. I only had one, CMV or cytomegalovirus, a kind of herpes virus, that I got from oral sex with the woman who became my first wife. So there are more STDs than most people think. CMV gave me such a painful viral rash in the back of my mouth that I had to see the doctor the next day and get some xylocaine, but no other medication. It didn’t bother me again until my stem cell transplant 30 years later when my immune system was suppressed and then I had to take antiviral medication.
But I’m very interested and like what you’ve written because I have a teen-aged son with whom I’m trying to talk about STDs. I have to say that so far I’m awfully impressed with http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/ Advocates for Youth. The idea that there could be a motto of “safer sex or no sex” is very enlightening. Also that we have responsibilities to provide young people with the tools they need to safeguard their sexual health. I have a lot left to learn, and I wish I had learned it years ago.
I still don’t know how I could have avoided CMV, since it was my first and monogamous relationship. Obviously not hers, and I don’t know how much time passed in between, or how much would have been needed. CMV apparently doesn’t go away, like some STDs, but lingers, like other herpes viruses.
Please keep writing.
This was very brave of you to write because there is such an unfair stigma surrounding STDs. I sincerely hope that society’s attitude changes because many, many people deal with this issue everyday.