Living with Living Together

2010-01-15 – 07:56

Boy meets Girl–or Boy and upon a drink bought and sheets tossed in, something happens. Getting to know one and other goes past the one night stand hump, past the few weeks emergency-stage and into the territory of relationship.  Then, it can become a time-bomb ticking away to that one day. In mine and Ned’s relationship it came one afternoon in November. One of those perfect crisp fall days. Somehow we’d ended up on the floor of the dining room, rolling around laughing and kissing, when he dropped it: “Move in with me.”

Living together as a part of dating is nearly de rigueur these days, hardly the taboo it once was. But this is pretty new territory we couplings are vastly covering. While we are all out here on a limb in our modern dance of commitment, what can we learn from each other?

In my experience, living together (no matter what the reason or goal) adds a level of intensity to the relationship. If you’ve ever thought it would be a great idea to move in with a friend, this surely sounds familiar. And your roommate also being your significant other can  add even more fuel to that fervor.

When I first moved in with Ned, it seemed to simply exacerbate all the little things that before hid in shadows. I moved into his apartment, his space having never shown him the catastrophe of clothing-bombs and cat-pee that was my old digs. In the beginning of a relationship it is natural to want to put your best foot forward, not advertise certain things about yourself, like the fact that you live out of a suitcase and pile of dirty clothes…. er you know, that your belly button has a weird smell.

I moved in with Ned in that initial state of constant self-policing. The only feeling that can really capture this is the one that you get in your stomach, the bubbling pressure that causes you to scoot your butt around on the couch as you silently watch a  movie, as if  your held-in-fart were a hot potato between your butt-cheeks…. It’s uncomfortable.

But there actually are tougher things to living together than making great strides to not to fart or poop around your lover. I think that living together, no matter how you slice it, is increased commitment. It is accepting your partners quirks, habits (and farts.) It is shared responsibility, shared tasks and shared time.

It soon becomes clear what model of relationship you are in, the old wounds your partner carries (and how you hit them), the patterns you might be helping one and other re-create and where you are each defensive. It can lead to sink or swim. Will you  work to build a strong foundation? Help your partner understand their own patterns and history? Work to see past your partners defenses and drop your own?

According to the research of  John Gottman, in relationships where criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stone-walling are present, splitting up is inevitable. Gottman was able to accurately predict whether couples would make it or call it quits, 90% of the time, from short conversation alone.

Living together happily is a lot of hard work and can certainly be a test of the relationship. Of course there’s also a lot of great stuff in it too. It’s hours in bed laughing and caressing on a Saturday morning, making delicious pad thai together on an ordinary Tuesday and slippery hugs in the shower before work. It’s not just someone to come home to, but someone to care for in the long process of understanding the many facets of another person– someone to care for you and work to understand your multiple-dimensions.

So what is the difference between living together and being married? For some people, there might not be a difference.  Living together to you might be the ultimate commitment, or some other commitment that isn’t the institution of marriage might be. But for me, marriage was it. Living together is like heading up a major project with your partner, but marriage is like going into business together.

Okay, it’s true, but a little dry. A good marriage is a high, it creates a space that is safe and authentic where you can each fully become yourselves. It builds an organic buzz that permeates the whole apartment, the couple, the work they do and the people they know.

So do you need to live together before you get married? Of course not, it is different for everyone. But  let’s just say that I think this generation of people “living in sin” are very, very smart.


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By Rabbit White | Posted in Feature | Tagged , | Comments (3)

The Asexual Dynamic

2010-01-08 – 13:46

My Story on Asexuality is live on Sexis!

“…If appearances of asexuals on the daytime talk show circuit has shed light on anything, it’s that asexuality is a hot-button topic. “There’s a fascinating phenomenon,” says Jay. “If I talk about my asexuality, it suddenly puts the spotlight on the sexuality of the person I am talking to, and however they feel about their sexuality comes out.” For some, an asexual’s lack of desire can trigger repressed feelings. Jay equates the experience with a straight person asserting their heterosexuality when a gay is present. “I get a lot of people who feel the need to talk about how sexual they are,” he says. Read the Story Here!


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By Rabbit White | Posted in Blurb | Tagged | Comments (0)

Belated Birthday Extravaganza Post

2010-01-08 – 10:05

This collection of images is from my birthday-night, almost a month ago. Each year when my birthday rolls around I can’t help but to freak out a little. And it’s not really about the getting older thing (though that does make my heart skip too) but more about the pressure that is put on birthdays, this one day that needs to be perfect. When I was a kid, my birthday was a really big deal. It was the one day where I always felt special, seen and safe. Kid birthdays and adult birthdays shouldn’t be the same, but I have a  hard time letting go of the idea of this special-all about me-day.

On this birthday-morning I realized this was making me anxious and just decided to let go.  The whimsy I wanted was still captured, not by planning. The rocks in the picture were gifts from Ned. When I was little, I had a rock collection I was obsessed with, to the point of reading every boring book about rocks I could find. Anytime I had a chance to add a new rock to the collection,  I wanted to spend hours picking out the perfect addition. But my parents always hurried my along, as this would usually be on vacation at some touristy souvenir-shop. Ned took me to a crystal, rock and gem shop overfilled with sparkling objects and let me take my time picking out the rocks I wanted.

The pictures above are inside of the birthday-night fort Ned and I built in the living room. The sheets we used were mostly pink giving everything a soft glow and we had tons of pillows and blankets everywhere. Instead of going out as planned we had take-out sushi, sipped pink champagne and ate these delectable cakes in the fort.

Bonus:

What I Wore on Birthday Morning, trotting around for crepes and shopping. I dressed for high-tea but we couldn’t get in, so Ned promised a rain-check which should yield other high-tea outfits :)

Birthdays are a time to reflect and celebrate life. I feel really good about age 24 but I am ready to inherit and fully embrace 25 with all it has to offer & throw my way. <3


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By Rabbit White | Posted in Weekly | Comments (5)

Surviving the Post-Holiday World

2010-01-06 – 08:20

So often the idea of Holidays and seeing family is more  happy and comfortable than what actually happens. Coming back from a  Holiday that was a bit stressful or unpleasant-at-times can set off a spiral of sadness, dissociation and self attack. Yet after post- December- turmoil, most people don’t settle into extra self-care. We come back to our routines with the idea of starting over, making demands on ourselves to begin dieting, exercising, cleaning, working harder– changing! I tend to think that resolutions are a pact aligned too closely with self-attack, with too much pressure. Making these resolutions after the emotional roller-coaster of the holiday season is just asking for panic-attacks.

Yet I am of course, not anti-changing or anti-growing. I always have goals for myself and I think having these end-points in mind is important. One continuous goal of mine is to be aware of my quality of life, and to continue increasing it. I think that during this post Christmas-madness season we should all be mindful of our quality of life. Here are some ideas for how to be careful with yourself after the Holiday season while also working to increase your quality of life.

Imagination

  • During the Holidays especially, our inner children get triggered. Christmas inevitably reminds many of us of being kids again and that fact that it is just not like it was when we were kids can be heartbreaking.  If there is a part that relates to this and you did not allow them to be heard during the holiday, allow them to scream/grieve/cry.
  • Engage with that inner child through art. Put on music and have a free drawing session, focusing on your emotions and how it feels to draw, rather than what you are creating.
  • Create a piece of art as if you were your child-self. For example allow yourself to emotionally go back to age 8 and draw what you would have drawn then.
  • Get together with a friend and have a silent creative session. First lay out all of the art/building supplies then put a timer on for 30-60 mins. With the supplies, create something together without talking at all. I’ve done this exercise and it really engaged my younger inner child and was also great fun.
  • Enroll in a class to allow time for creativity. For instance, Ned is thinking of getting involved with robot-building classes, and I am browsing for a creative writing group.

Mind

  • Recover from and process the Holiday. Move back into your mind, and notice when you are experiencing difficult emotions. If you didn’t allow yourself to feel these during Holiday, they’ll continue bubbling beneath your skin. It might be harder now to name the emotions and allow them in. Check in with yourself at different points of the day to see how you are feeling. When processing what you felt during Holiday, you may feel like something  specific triggered a “negative” feeling, but are unsure why. You can always jot this down and come back to it later.
  • Quiet the Noise. This is important after any upheaval.Whether you choose to just take some quiet time each day for yourself or have dedicated meditations, being present to your experiences is a great step in improving quality of life. Yet, quieting the chatter in our heads doesn’t always come naturally. For those with active and noisy minds, why not try a meditation CD, I recommend 1 & 2. Many cities also have meditation courses. I’ve been wanting to try IMU in Chicago, who offer a unique spin, like a full moon mediation with intuitive let-loose dance sessions beforehand and monthly hiking trips with a guided mediation rest. If you find that you really don’t want to be alone with your thoughts and yourself, that is a key sign that something is up, emotionally.
  • Journaling. The first step here is buying a fabulous journal whose pages you can’t wait to fill. I find it helps work out my thoughts, worries and is a great space for tracking dreams. Start with writing about how you feel after the Holidays and how you feel about the new year.
  • Notice your defenses. If you are mentally going over the all too familiar fights you had at Christmas, try to begin to notice where you were being defensive. This does not mean the altercation was your fault, in families especially we almost can’t help but to step into the defensive roles and continue old patterns. But just becoming aware of those defenses can jump-start growth.

Body

  • Be weary of jumping on the lose weight for The New Year train. Triggers that make us feel guilty and unsure about our health and bodies are everywhere right now. If you are suddenly feeling like you have to whip yourself into shape immediately, or lose weight right now, the safest bet might be to continue on with your regular exercise and eating and re-evaluate in another month.
  • Be mindful of alcohol consumption. Another thing about being on Holiday is that we tend to drink more. It might feel sort of natural to continue with your three-scotches-a-night routine, but be aware of when you are drinking. When you find yourself reaching for a drink, ask yourself if you really want or need it.
  • Getting out. It’s winter-time, for a lot of us that means sludgy gray snow, ice and staying in. But stretching your legs outside and getting some sun will still feel good! Check out what winter-events still going on in your city’s park district. In Chicago we have snow-shoeing for Polar Bear Adventure Days, ice skating (either on Wrigley Field or amidst downtown architectural views) and a chance to peel off the gloves and scarves for strolls at the Garfield or Lincoln Park conservatories, enjoying the layers of lush greens, tinkling waterfalls and warm air.

Space

  • If you had guests, you might need to re-claim your space. For me this involves cleaning and re-organizing. I find it tempting to just leave the mess– it feels so draining. Remember that you want your space to feel like yours, and you want it to feel good.
  • If you traveled, give yourself time to settle back into your home. On the Holmes and Rahe stress scale, travel and Christmas are both factors. You will definitely need emotional and mental time to settle too, but make your physical space the monument to this. Unpack, clean and spend a downtime at home.
  • Purge un-needed gifts. Strive to not bring things you don’t love or need into your home even if they are gifts. Ask yourself if you love or need the item, or if the emotional impact makes it worth keeping. Remember, it is the thought that counts…so send those gifts to a thrift shop and to someone else who will use them.

Wishing you a stunning 2010 full of vitality and whimsy!


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By Rabbit White | Posted in Feature | Comments (2)

Being the Weird Kid

2009-12-30 – 09:01

I want to take you back to what might be a scary place…a place which you’ve exiled to the bottom of your pool of memories, a place called… grade school. Once your brain begins flooding with the images and memories of your 4th grade self, take a second to remember how it felt. Do you remember how you felt about yourself during that time? Do you remember what your social standing was? Did you ever feel like you were just…weird?

There was no denying my weirdness. At age 11, I  preferred bright yellow hand-me-down overalls to… whatever was cool and wore my hair in two long braided pleats (as if the crooked blunt bangs cut by my Mother weren’t enough.) If what you recalled was feeling cool and popular, this piece is not really for you. This post is dedicated to all of the weird-little-kids, still camping out inside of us.

Of course being a weird kid went much deeper than just having a closet of awkward second hand clothes, poor clothing does not truly denote the weirdness of a kid – however my obsessive rock-collecting, zelda-playing and intricate story-writing might say more. I remember feeling weird because it seemed I was on the outside of my school, of the social bubbles, of my family and even friends. It is as if the weird kid sees the dance of cultural norms and socially accepted behavior and chooses not to participate, or can’t imagine doing so.

One example that comes to my mind was the first day of 4th grade. Dumped on the playground, I immediately went to my friends from the previous year. As we walked around the balance beam all they could talk about was how they had started shaving their legs over the summer and how cool they were. I walked away, knowing that this was something I was not interested in, and spent the year talking with other exiles,  trying to figure out where I fit. I questioned what was around me, I was in touch with and respected my emotions. I refused to bend, and the fact that I felt alone ached so very much. But at the same time I was very strong in self, changing was not an option but exploring everything about myself (whether it exiled me further or not) was.

I think a strong sense of self is the common thread among weird kids, which is such a valuable and elusive quality of character. It is what many of us spend our adult lives trying to delicately maintain or achieve. So why do so many of us push away the weird kid inside of us and the memories of the world they inhabited? As I mentioned it is painful to remember a difficult time, but perhaps we are pushing away what that weird kid represented.

I know about when I started to repress my inner-weird-kid and the memories of grade school, it was at the beginning of high-school and by then the rush of hormones gave “fitting in” an urgent-status. As I realized I inhabited a “cute-girl” body and that all it took to fit in was faking it, I repressed my inner-weird-kid.

As an adult, it makes sense that at times we’d repress the inner-weird-kid, in the work place and other social situations letting the weird inner-child just take over could result in blank stares, murmurs and exile all over again. But listening to the weird kid doesn’t mean letting that aspect of your personality take over. I think those of us with inner-weird kids are lucky to have them as guides, and should let them have a say, a place in who we are!

If it weren’t for counseling with this part of myself I don’t think I would have the quality of relationships I do (those needy teenage parts didn’t exactly pick friends based on virtue.) Embracing this part has also allowed me to step outside of set gender roles and even the hierarchies of sexes in society and the work place. While there is a part of me that is always worried about being nice, attractive and feminine, the weird kid really doesn’t care. When that part can step in, able to be strong in self, curious and logical without the worry of looks and impressions, a lot can get done. My inner-child also brings a valuable thirst for knowledge. We are not encouraged to question the world around us as adults and I think this is the time we must do it. Without questioning the ideals and structures of a world we aren’t happy with, change and growth could never happen.

Engaging the kid-within might involve getting to know them again, earning their trust by acknowledging and accepting them, listening to them, loving them for the first time. There is no trick once you’ve started exploring, the weird kid has been inside you all along, perhaps pushed to the tiniest crevice you could find, but still there. You can let your inner child have a say by simply consulting them. What do they think is wrong or right in the situation. Does x actually interest them? What would they like to say or do?

A friend once said to me, “I think I was never as wise as I was at age 10″ and this always stuck with me. Those wise ten year old’s  haven’t gone anywhere and I’ve found that their wisdom is still strangely spot-on.


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By Rabbit White | Posted in Feature | Tagged | Comments (6)

Crushes Outside The Relationship

2009-12-10 – 08:00

s9When people enter into a monogamous relationship, it is often with the idea that they have found “the one.” The special person that supposedly holds the missing piece of their soul, someone that will solve all of their problems. In return they are somewhat expected no longer experience sexual infatuation with other people, just that one true-love. I think this stereotype is especially true for women.

Yet, in the large number of healthy adults, sexual response to attractive men or women is normal. It is okay to feel attracted to other people if you are monogamous, it is normal to fantasize or even feel a crush. This is something of a taboo and perhaps as a result, these normal sexual responses get blown up into huge fantasies, obsessions, secrets–and carried with them are feelings of guilt and neediness. Yet, what if it weren’t stigmatized, what if we talked open and honestly about outside sexual attraction to our partners, what if we understood that these feelings were a normal sexual response or something to explore? Would there be as much cheating, as much distrust? As much divorce? The reality is a double standard. These responses are natural but you are not supposed to think/talk/do anything about…it is no wonder then that for some these feelings spin out of control.

Seeing the Sexual Big Picture

Imagine that you are at a party. Say, an office party for your beloved significant other. Suddenly an extremely sexy person wanders into your view. You make eye-contact, and do that coy look away, glance back thing. Maybe you even exchange flirty-words. OMG. Now your mind is racing. Part of you is off in fantasy land, already in bed with this person. Other parts might be confused, already feeling guilty or bad. And perhaps yet another part has already moved past sex and is imagining moving in with them–could this person be your next significant other? Okay, slow down.

What if you were able to not get caught up in the moment, not let each tangled thought take over. Instead of building this web, what if you were simply able to realize, “ah yes I am just feeling a sexual response”  Which is normal. Or even “I am feeling an infatuation with this person, I wonder why?” Granted it might be impossible to be this robotic and logical, especially in the heat of eye-contact. But does it have to be?

Strangers in Shining Armor

One of the things that I have found happens in these stranger-attraction situations is that we romanticize the sexual attraction, which given most of our backgrounds makes sense. Since the time we are children we are inundated with a rescue/romance fantasy. The idea pushed on us is that we will only be happy when we find our “other half”– that person holds the secret formula to make everything better for us. This is an illusion, one that can cut, ripping relationships to shreds because it is simply never, ever true.

No partner can live up to this ideal. No one can save you or fix you or make you truly whole and happy. Only you can do that, it is your responsibility to fix yourself, to make yourself whole. Having a partner is just that, it is a partnership…not a grand sweeping fairytale. But this Disneyfication is ingrained in us, when the ideal we were promised is not met by our loving partners, is it any shock that we project this old fixation onto attractive strangers? Yet this stranger can’t save you either…and the feelings you feel are indeed normal sexual responses.

Getting Curious: What does this Person have?

If you find yourself intrigued by a sexy somebody, it is helpful to get curious about it. What exactly is it about them? Do they remind you of someone? (& what did that person do for you? Is this part of a pattern?) What qualities are they exhibiting that you find so sexy? What would a sexual fantasy with this person look like? Or could it just be your evolutionary drive talking, is this person just obviously a good looking guy or gal that would make healthy bouncing babies?

Once you’ve got a grasp on the chord this individual strikes with you, ask yourself: are these things that are missing in your partnership? From here you could build a plan on how to bring these missing ingredients into your bedroom or relationship. How can your partner fulfill these needs? Bring these ideas up honestly and gently.

It is also okay to bottle up all of that desire for yourself. I think that using what you’ve uncovered as masturbation fantasy fodder can be a safe way to act on those sexual urges. This could even help is understanding that attraction and infatuation can be purely physical, finding sexual gratification without romanticizing it.

Honesty with Our Partners

Another reason why these infatuations might get so blown out of proportion is that we feel we must hide them from our partners, feeling guilty about it. I think this just begs a relatively brief encounter to grow and grow until suddenly that infatuation is all you can think about. One healthy way to deal with the issue upfront is to not hide it at all, but gently talk about the crush with your partner. It could be as simple as “I find X attractive and I feel uncomfortable/guilty/excited about that.”

This should come with a warning, you should have a conversation with your partner about sexual attraction within monogamy, realistically and honestly. If you do discuss these ideas, imagine the possibilities: your partner could understand these are just sexual responses and realize they are the lucky one who gets to cash in on them! Your partner could get curious about what X did for you and help explore that. Or they could just be grateful for the level of honesty you are bringing and thus the amount of trust between you.

However without these discussions and knowledge, many partners might become angry/upset/hurt at the idea of you liking someone else. I can’t help but to speculate that this is probably because of their own feelings of sexual attraction or infatuation and the suppressed emotions they’ve been holding.

Goals

While honesty is always fantastic, I don’t think the goal is to tell your partner every time a ripe-bottom turns your head. The goal is for each person in the partnership to understand sexual responses are normal, to be curious about crushes and explore them and to know really and truly that they’ve got the other’s love. Not because that person has made them whole but because they are whole on their own and therefore worth love, trust and honesty.


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By Rabbit White | Posted in Feature | Tagged | Comments (3)

Rabbit’s Guide to Therapy

2009-12-08 – 13:26

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Here I have put together a resource on psychotherapy gathered from my own experiences and on the many articles and books I’ve read on the topic. The plan is to continue to add and edit as I discover more and as you share your own experiences and insights. Please use the comments or privately email me with ideas, questions, or concerns.

I am not a therapist and I am not licensed in anything really. The following is my own experiences and opinions. Please ask the professionals for real answers and advice and please seek medical attention if you are contemplating suicide.

xoxo,

Rabbit


Blocks to Getting Therapy:

For years I was curious about therapy, but it seemed there were so many excuses to not go, or almost that I needed an excuse to go. Here are some common blocks & ways of addressing them.

  • It can be tough to know whether you need therapy or not. I’m not one of those people who says “everyone needs therapy” but I think anyone who is on a journey to self awareness could really use the help of therapy. Or anyone with the goal of a healthy relationship. Of course, therapy only works if you put in the time and effort. It is about growth and change and you are the only one who can make that happen for you. Additionally, new research suggests that therapy is extremely powerful for anyone: 1, 2
  • Past Therapist Baggage: Not all therapists are good therapists,  unfortunately. Just because you had a therapist in the past with whom it did not work out with, does not mean that therapy won’t work for you. sometimes finding the right  therapist is a journey in itself.
  • Ugh But, Therapy is Expensive: This is one of those little annoying truths. Yes therapy is very expensive. But if you are a person who has made happiness and health a priority, then therapy should be one of the “have-to’s” budgeted in. You might be surprised at how many therapists actually offer sliding scale. It is worth calling around and asking. Check out Finding Your Marbles article on other ways of scoring cheap therapy sessions & Psych Central’s article on the same. Also, many therapist offices have interns available as therapists, which is often better than no therapist! I’ve personally had an intern as a therapist and it was a fantastic experience from which I learned a lot.
  • Stigma: It is kind of hard to believe that there is still a therapy stigma…self-discovery should never be a bad thing. Explore your feelings around the stigma, be curious, you might just find something that is worth working on in therapy!
  • Whatever your concerns are, if you are considering therapy for the first time, I recommend Alice Miller’s thoughtful FAQ on Finding a Therapist.

Finding a Therapist:

This is a really hard part. You want someone who you can work with in the long-term, someone you are on the same page with & that you can trust. However, this takes some work. Here are some tips at getting there.

  • What Type of Therapy do you want? If you are going in for a specific issue, it would be most fitting to choose a therapist who specializes your area. Beyond that it is important to look at what type of therapy the therapist offers. I suggest researching therapy types before hand and getting idea of what you are comfortable with. When you find a therapist you like, research the type of therapy they offer if you have never heard of it.
  • What credentials do you prefer your therapist to have?
  • Do you want a Male of Female therapist? This does not affect how good or competent your therapist is of course, but you might want to explore what you feel most comfortable with. You want someone you can feel safe and easy to talk to with.
  • Therapist Listings: Try Good Therapy Guide,  Psychology Today & IFS Practitioners, American Psychological Association, Academy of Cognitive Therapy, a 1-800 Therapy Hotline, Health Finder & Yelp never hurts either!
  • Referrals: ask friends, other therapists and people involved in psychology based forums and communities for therapists they would recommend. Ex: Psych Central Boards,  IFS Forum
  • Ask for a consultation: Many therapists will give free 20 minute intro sessions. In my experience these are over the phone, but it would be pretty smart to ask for one in person.
  • References: Some therapists will give you references if you so inquire.

Starting Therapy

Your heart hammers in your chest during that first meeting, afterward there are a rush of emotions and you aren’t even sure what you feel. Here are some tips at making those first scary steps.

  • Pick up the Phone and Make the Call: I’m not sure why but simply making the first appointment can be the hardest step with therapy. Just make yourself go through the motions and do it, you’ll have time afterward to evaluate your feelings!
  • If you get a receptionist, ask if you can speak with the therapist on the phone for just a couple minutes before meeting in person. This might be right then, or a call back when they have a minute. You can often have strong feelings after even a brief phone call.
  • First Impressions: I often find phone calls awkward anyway, and a phone call with a stranger even more so. But it is important to be aware of your first impressions from your therapist from that very first call. What vibe did you get? How comfortable did you feel? Did they explain the methods they use and how they will help you reach your goals?
  • Interview Several Therapists: This is sort of a “why not”– as already established not all therapists are going to be right for you. The point is to find someone you can work with long-term.
  • Things to be ultra-aware about in first meetings: Did you define ways to meet your goals? Where were you with boundaries with this person? Did you sense that your therapist had set boundaries (professionalism)? Is this someone you think that you can be honest with, someone you can trust?
  • Also a great article on What to Expect from your first Session. All I have to add is: Think about an answer to what your goals are, expect to give a brief family history in the first few sessions and still be extra aware of how you feel toward your therapist.
  • Multiple Therapists? I have had multiple therapists in the past: an art therapist along with traditional therapy. I think multiple therapists are great for someone who has made self-work their number one priority and has the time to sink into it. However, this is not for everyone.

When It Isn’t Working

This situation was one of my toughest experiences with therapy, but I think I learned a lot from addressing it. Here are my tips.

  • Radical, Radical Honesty. We aren’t used to being so upfront in professional settings, which can be scary. But the more honest you can be with your therapist the better–think about it this way, it really helps them out, they also want to get the most out of your sessions!
  • Explore why you might be hesitant. What have you been working on in therapy? Could this be a defense?
  • Is this a pattern? Has your therapist began to take the role of a partner or parent?
  • Practice what to say beforehand. Think about it, write it out and practice it. I suggest role-playing with a friend beforehand if you can.
  • Get another therapist’s opinion. Go to someone else in the practice, or ask a close friend/partner’s therapist if they would talk to you about your concerns.
  • Tell the therapist directly what you are looking for, what needs to change.
  • Look for Clarification. Have the therapist repeat what you need back to you. Are they getting this?
  • Ask Yourself: Can you be honest with this therapist? Is this someone you fully trust? Can you work with them long-term? Do you feel you can state your beliefs and preferences in session?
  • Do you feel listened to? How does your therapist take this feedback? Do they admit mistakes?
  • Never stay with a therapist you are unsure about. Often with health insurance we only get so many sessions, and even regardless of that your time and resources are precious. Move forward without dropping out.
  • Check out this article on what Effective Therapy actually looks like and this one on what to do if you don’t like your therapist

Changing Therapists

You’ve got to be with someone who you can trust, who you can work with long-term, but it might take awhile to realize your therapist is not that person. Explore what happened and work to find the therapist that will best help you–never settle.

  • Understand what went wrong. Take some time to slow down and really reflect on what was not working and why. What were the therapists blocks and what were yours?
  • Understand what you want to do differently. Define what you are looking for.
  • Review elements of good therapy
  • Ambivalence is normal. It is hard to leave any therapist, allow yourself room to grieve so you don’t end up ruminating.
  • If you are leaving a dysfunctional therapy environment, be curious as to why you stayed with the last therapist. Was there a pattern here that you were fulfilling? What was staying doing for you?
  • Bring up your concerns with your past therapist in your first consultation with the new therapist. Also any positives you are afraid of losing by switching.
  • Get clarification that the new therapist understands the past problems and what your goals are.
  • Ask how you will meet those goals. Get a clear idea of how this therapist is going to address your issues differently.

Leaving a Therapist

In most therapy the goal is for you to someday leave. So how do you know when you are there?

  • Consider going to therapy less at first. Perhaps every other week, or once a month.
  • Articles on When To Stop Going: 1 and 2
  • Ask your therapist up front when they think you should do.
  • Have you met your long-term goals?
  • Do you have effective ways to deal with getting triggered?
  • Again, allow yourself to grieve and feel the pain of leaving a therapist. It is a difficult transition to leave this person you have grown close to and have trusted so deeply. It is okay to feel sad about this.
  • Going back is not failure! You can always go  back for as many sessions as you need with a new or old therapist.

Therapy has been crucial in my journey of self-awareness and self-discovery. I recommend therapy to anyone who is willing to put the work in. I would also love to know what your tips are. In the meantime, good luck on your journey to a harmonious self.


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By Rabbit White | Posted in Feature | Tagged | Comments (3)

Layers and Vulnerability

2009-12-04 – 12:25

whatIWore1wiw-20091203When in a post-turmoil situation, the look that often accompanies  is frump: sweatshirts, pajama pants and no make-up. There is something about hiding behind layers of comfy clothes that really does just make you feel better. After a traumatic situation, the last thing you might want to do is put on a persona and paint your face to match. Feelings of vulnerability inevitably bubble over and what ensues is a “don’t look at me” style– but I also think wearing comfy cotton suggests “be careful with me.”

This is my “be careful with me” look and I think it might qualify as frump-chic. It involves only red lipstick for make-up, layered shirts a long skirt and warm comfy boots.

For me, in this situation anyway, the upheaval pulled me to my inner-self. I ended up feeling deeply connected to myself and reflective. What I found interesting about what I wore was the femininity here, the softness. At first I wondered if my “true self” simply favors softer colors, but now I see it as a mode of self-care. I was being gentle with myself and showing that through layers of gentle-looking clothing. Even though it doesn’t always seem it, inside we are all delicate beings, how do you find yourself tending to your softness and vulnerability?


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By Rabbit White | Posted in Weekly | Tagged | Comments (0)

Card Holding Member of the Itty-Bitty Committee

2009-12-04 – 09:44

Lady-centric humour blog, The Boobs recently featured me and my ta-ta’s! The Boobs is a site about all things funny and girl culture but it’s niche is celebrating breasts! I am proud to be one of the ladies  featured for “itty bitty titty week”

While there is a slight rush of exhibitionism that I am riding, being able to proudly flash the internet is almost healing & in my mind serves as a “fuck off” to the mainstream perception of hotness. I have A-cups but not because I am waif-thin. I am on the medium side of a healthy, normal weight for my size. I have curving hips, a soft belly and thighs– I am curvy, and that doesn’t mean having big breasts! I can be sexy & it doesn’t mean sacrificing my health or my intelligence.

I am enjoying this celebration of my body– my body the way it is right now.

Celebrate your body as is today, take some time to admire your body without focusing on flaws or self-attacking, spend some naked time with yourself, snap some photos!

P.S. the dollar bill photo on the blog is a sort of non sequitur here…it was actually part of an elaborate joke photo shoot but I still think it is funny/sexy on it’s own.


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By Rabbit White | Posted in Blurb | Comments (1)

Gray Areas of Sexual Consent

2009-12-02 – 08:00

roniriver

Rape is an unwieldy word. It is pointed, weighty, the air of a threat seems inherent. Images of back alleys and shadowy figures are inevitably conjured. Date rape has it’s own precise picture as well, the backseat of a car with a nice looking guy — crying, screaming “no.” So when I gritted my teeth and barred sex because I feared saying no, when I dissociated because I silently didn’t want it, or when I drunkenly stopped saying no because just letting it happen in that hazy sloppy moment seemed easier, in my mind I was not exactly raped…or date-raped.

These are gray-areas of consent and they are instances that a lot of women I know have had, but it seems they don’t often get addressed, or re-visited and processed — often chalked up to simply having a bad night. But there is no reason that these should be gray areas, the yellow and red-lights were on, but in those moments I had no way of communicating this, I didn’t have the tools, the language or the self care and respect. In those gray-moments there was a mumbled or nodded consent, but I don’t think consent is actually the opposite of rape, enthusiastic consent is.

It seems odd that I would feel I didn’t have the tools, after-all I was minoring in gender studies and was well versed in feminism. The issue of consent and rape was feminist battle-ground during the 80’s and 90’s — and the camps were split. Many feminists spoke of the intertwining and glamorization of sex and violence. Others, like Katie Roiphe, called the issue hysterical, pointing to the lonely, unvisited “rape crisis centers” that had been erected on every major college campus. It seems the battle was caught up in semantics: what rape is or isn’t and what the rape statistics really were. Finally, the issue was left in the dust.

But I had seen what feminism was getting at, I had seen it in the number of friends I knew who repeatedly agreed to sex they didn’t want. I had seen it when a gray-area-experience was brought up to a group of girls who would give no response or roll their eyes, as though claiming date-rape were an annoying trend (and going against some unspoken “party code”.)  There seemed to be an unspoken rule that shouted “we are girls who like sex, date rape doesn’t happen to girls who like sex.” However, feminism fought to define it, the issue had not yet been solved. Studying feminism taught me to own my sexuality, but no one taught me to talk about consent. I was left trying to find ways that I could own these gray-areas…shamefully convincing myself I had control in the situation.

Feminists sometimes throw around the word “rape-culture” but I think that to say that we have a rape-culture is to discount that we actually have a violence-culture on the whole. Psychologist Dr. Richard Schwartz in his book You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For, offers what he admits is a gross generalization but helpful way to think about gender roles and the conflicts among them: boys are torn from their Mother as they become older (around age five), for fear of “sissifying” them, then are shamed for showing anything other than aggressiveness and anger. Women are raised to be compliant, nurturing beings, groomed to be care-takers. This leaves women little ability to take care of themselves, obsessed with the needs of others and with an unrelenting drive to be likable and attractive to men. With this in mind I wonder if I ever had a chance of saying no, of communicating a lack of enthusiastic consent.

It seems that for many (myself included) with murky gray experiences floating in their past, it becomes easy to tuck these dark little pieces of life away. The memories do find their odd times to resurface, laying awake at night, driving in your car…and the sudden feeling of weirdness about what had happened, pangs of guilty, and an unshakable dirtiness. If there is anything in your sexual history you feel uneasy about…that is a sure sign it is worth looking at.

I think it is very important to process these gray experiences and the raw feeling or lack of feeling that surrounds them. The key to being sex-positive and to a self-aware and healthy sex life is to process the whole of your sexuality and sexual experiences. I can really only advise the guidance of a therapist in processing any sexual history…but for anyone, beginning to empathize with yourself as the person in that gray situation is critical. You might not have had the tools to voice a lack of consent, but you did what you needed to in order to survive.

Consent begins with radical honesty. It begins with allowing only people who we trust in our lives, people with whom we can be vulnerable and honest. The more we can say about what we feel in the moment, becoming honest about our experiences and emotions, the more we can break that cycle of feminine over-nurturing or masculine suppression of emotions.

Because open intimate honesty is rare, I think it is important in any sexual or romantic relationship to be aware of enthusiastic consent and lack there of. It might set the bar pretty damn high but that, after all is the point of being a sex positive, sexually self aware person. I think it is okay to have either no sex or an enthusiastic fuck yes to sex. Would you really want anything less?

This post was inspired by a thread among bloggers about enthusiastic consent:

Not just Consent, but Enthusiasm

Asexuality & Rape

Waiting for a Hell Yes


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By Rabbit White | Posted in Feature | Tagged | Comments (12)