There is one very intense, meaningful question that every woman has to find an answer to: Would you keep the baby or not? This question found it’s way into my living room last night as Ned and I sat on the couch after a successful budgeting discussion, we realized we were coming up on our yearly decision to the parenting/abortion question. Last year, we thought it might be best to decide ahead of time what we would do if I were to get pregnant, rather than make the huge decision in the emotional heat of the moment as strange, new hormones swam around my body. Whatever decision we came to with clear minds would be the one that applied all year. If I would have gotten pregnant last year, it would have meant a termination.
I felt relaxed and in a logical state of mind after our money-talk. Ned suggested we talk about the pregnancy issue soon, I thought why not now, and began to consider it. “Well it would still be termination” I said, thinking of how prepared I would want to be (and am not now) if I were to have a child. But no sooner had I said it then my heart began to wrench. Ned caught the look on my face, “It is a lot harder now,” he said. A flux of emotions ran through me; Ned said we should talk when it wasn’t so late.
I’m undecided on whether or not I want to have children, ever. Being in my 20’s, I see peers who seem to be doing it out of some unconscious, personal desire to fill their own needs. To gain control, to have someone to love. Was the rush of emotions I felt about keeping or not keeping a curt-tail of my own selfish desires? Maybe, it was definitely something to explore. Whatever goes on unconsciously to bring a sudden, strong desire for a baby should be looked into, before making-a-human-being becomes the answer. I’m also not sure that there is a reason to have kids that isn’t a bit selfish — and maybe that is okay.
Yet, this isn’t what really upsets me; the problem I see is the vast un-preparedness and ignorance with which people jump into the role of parent. I remember talking about this topic with a friend once, when she said “Someonce once asked me ‘well, will you ever be *truly* ready?” “Yes,” I replied for her. There is so much you can do to know what raising a child means, that does not involve any sort of “well I turned out okay” mentality.
I am undecided about whether or not I want children, but I am very interested in parenting and what that means for me as an adult, and what it meant for me as a child. From what I’ve studied on parenting, I strongly recommend: Parent Effectiveness Training and The Drama of The Gifted Child and online resources like No Spank, The Natural Child Project, Taking Children Seriously & Autonomy in the Family. I’ve worked hard on the relationship model I have with my husband and would work even harder on a parenting model. Before I could ever know whether or not I want a child, I need to know what it is going to take to raise one. Are you really going to learn all of this in the 9 months you are pregnant on top of learning basic childcare and doctors appointments?
By reading parenting books, I am not just learning how I would one day handle family disputes, I am reading to further understand the parenting model my parents had, that most parents have and how these models massively fail. This goes back to that brave and daunting task of truly acknowledging, processing and understanding what your parents mistakes were, so you can avoid the trap of forever repeating them.
At the heart of this is the fact that I am deeply concerned about the well-being of children, about the rights of children which are constantly ignored or trampled. I am a strong advocate of children’s rights. When I say I am against child abuse, I mean not only extreme cases of physical or sexual abuse, I also mean common emotional and psychological abuse and poor parenting methods like widely used permissive or authoritarian parenting, or the horrible inconsistent mix of both. The data about the effects of these types of parenting and abuse are out there, and it is visible in the adults you know. Damaged children become damaged adults who harm themselves or those around them.
I am unsure whether or not I will have children, and this is out of the utmost respect for them.
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I think with the popularity of shows like MTV’s “Teen Mom” turning this into almost a novelty, blogs like this are especially important. It’s like millions of people are point at the screen going “haha look at the un-prepared parent try and survive” or, conversely, “oh that poor thing.” But no one actually wants to BE in that position.
I’m afraid this is an epidemic that’s only going to progress.
Julie,
Yeah shows like that really make me shudder. And I think you hit the nail on the head as to why, there is no answer with them, no real discussions or alternatives presented. I do think the agreement beforehand about what will happen in a pregnancy is important to ANY relationship, whether you are just fuck buddies or a married couple who already has kids! I understand it is a hard decision to make, and that it is truly a tragedy for a couple to have an abortion. But it is a serious tragedy for an innocent child to be raised in a home that in un-prepared and un-educated about parenting. Bad parenting, I also think, kills the soul of the parent, making it a double tragedy for the whole fam.
Such a good post. I particularly love that last line; it applies almost exactly to my own thoughts on the matter.
Claire´s last blog ..Why does Japan do my kind of England so darn well?
Claire,
Thanks so much for your comment <3 Glad to hear there are other women out there thinking along these lines!
I really respect that you and Ned can have that attitude towards having children. For my partner and I, our decisions are coloured by our history (a previous miscarriage together, and a previous girlfriend of my partner having an abortion without consulting him at all), and I think we would find ourselves unable to have a termination. However, we do spend a fair bit of time talking about parenting together, comparing our opinions/parenting styles and learning, so that if we find ourselves in that situation we will at least be psychologically prepared, if not monetarily.
It seems ironic to me that you are concerned about being prepared to be a mother, that you are concerned about children who are abused, yet you are willing to kill a child in utero if it’s not the right time. Hmm.
Miss P, I did not mention this in the article, but Ned actually had a termination with a previous partner. I really feel for your situation because it certainly does make these decisions harder. I know how tragic going through this can be because I was with him when he mourned and processed the whole ordeal. Of course we both know he made the right decision, and as much as we wouldn’t want to go through it again we do want to keep making right (albeit hard) decisions. Props to you for talking about your significant other with this stuff, much farther along than most people! <3 <3
Carrie, It is clear from your comment that you are anti-choice, and I did not write this article with the intention of arguing the logistics of anti and pro choice stances. However, I will say that I wrote this article knowing that abortion has been a huge boon to society, as far as looking at figures of crime dropping and that as numbers of unwanted children decrease, child abuse also goes down. As to your jab at me as a potential murderer, I do think it is better to end a potential person’s life before it begins than the (widespread) historical alternative of infanticide or child abuse which is eternal, repeating itself over and over again. I truly believe a woman knows when can successfully raise a child or not and that abortion provides the most moral way for her to make that decision.
Fantastic article once again, Mrs. Rabbit! One that is very near and dear to my heart as a parent.
I really appreciate this post. Too many people now seem to view having a baby as having a pet or something you should do by a certain age. In reality, you are now responsible for taking care of another human being and making sure that they learn how to take care of themselves and be part of society. I also appreciate you talking so frankly about abortion, which I feel is not discussed often enough. 1 in 3 women have had an abortion, so chances are everyone knows at least one woman who has had an abortion. I’m glad that you take having a baby seriously and are carefully considering your options.
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