This  write-up was on Bust.com “We are expected to cheer The Good Sex Workers on because they are subverting paradigms and confounding out expectations of what a stripper is. But while the media loves this story,  it marginalizes all of the women who aren’t doing sex work to put themselves through college, or to pay for art supplies. The women of color and trans women and men who are forced into prostitution or who “choose” it because of a lack of other options. I feel like the more I read and hear about privileged women who really did chose to become sex workers, the more invisible those who didn’t have such a clear choice become.”

Wow, now this was a conversation I could get behind. Er, not that I am going to, because I think that the same white, privileged women theorizing over sex-work could be seen as part of the problem.

But her point  brought another topic to mind. I was thinking of how the writers words “forced into”  could also account for women who were sexually abused and re-playing their trauma through sex work. In this era of the feminist-sex-worker and the end of ” the courage to heal” feminism (thanks to the so called “false memory” foundation) statistics about abuse and trauma in sex workers have also become not PC or okay to focus on either.

Which brought me to something I read on a pro-kink, BDSM-activist. This activist was saying that people need to really give up the question of whether or not people with kinks are re-playing childhood trauma. Their stance was along the lines of, “some children who are spanked grow up to have spanking fetishes, some children who were seldom spanked grow up to have spanking fetishes and some children who were never spanked grow up to have spanking fetishes.” Therefore, this person suggested,’ so what? Stop focusing on whether or not trauma is involved.’

It seems this speaker is caught up in the stigma that comes with child abuse . And the fear that their sexuality won’t be seen as legitimate if it can be traced to psychological damage. But to spout this idea to your own community is to spread poison. I do agree that yeah, so what, if the person with the kink in question has already done the psychological work on themselves and knows the answers as to why. But if they haven’t, then this is an issue that does need discussed, it is a big deal.

Everyone has a responsibility to their unconscious actions, it really is common knowledge that what is not processed will get repeated. Often, it seems that this only effects you, as adults we are the only ones responsible for our own happiness, health and success.  However, sex is often not solo. Not only could one potentially hurt themselves by re-living hidden traumas but putting a partner into an abuser role (unconscious or not) can be very damaging.

Discovering that your sexuality is re-playing on old wounds doesn’t necessarily mean it must stop. It means psychologically unhealthy practices should stop. The sexual arena is one that operates in the unconscious and for some, working on the past through sex might be a form of healing, others may need to abstain from sex entirely. That is only up to the person in the healing position  to decide. So to the kink activist, yes you can explore the question of whether or not your past shaped your kink and still have a healthy kinky sexuality. In fact, exploring is the only way to a healthy sexuality of any shade.

Sex positivity is never an excuse to not examine your past, and healthy sexuality can only come from self-exploration.

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