The first time I had anal sex, it was a decision made out of the self-assertion that I was open minded and adventurous in bed.. When this partner suggested anal, I wanted to do it do it for him—after a mini frenzy of internal questions, gave a nodded consent. As I gripped a pillow, the words “most painful sex I’ve ever had” ran through my mind. Although there were parts of the sex I enjoyed, much of what I liked was this mental hurdle I had set, overcoming fear and pain and proving to my partner that I was willing to do this, for him.
This grinning and bearing for a partner also brings up the issue of consent. Sadly, in most relationships there isn’t a safeword. And in my experience, safewords get used only in urgent situations, potentially masking an element of communication.
Talking during sex is somewhat of a taboo. There is a silent idea that talking would be sort of embarrassing, breaking the mood or ruining the flow. What ends up happening is that during sex we are so much in our own heads, only able to guess what our partner is thinking/feeling. And to many of us, sex is this non-verbal, animal-dance.
Dirty-talk can make it just as hard to actually address emotions and lines of consent that come up in the moment. Talking dirty is all about upping your sexual prowess; it is peacocking one’s sexual bravado.
Sex-talk outside of the bedroom can also fall prey to a similar pattern. As someone who has long considered myself open about sex, I have been guilty. When talking about sex in a social situation, I’ve come to realize that what I lend is my own sexual sophistication, things I know, things I am sure about, my own desires and past adventures. I self-censor my fears, doubts and areas where I am unsure, self conscious or just closed off.
Appearing sexually naive or worse, closed minded becomes the taboo with sex-positive, sexually outgoing individuals and what gets erased are the actual open and honest dialogues, the real trials and tribulations that we all go through. This maintains a ridiculous idea that the only people who have sexual questions, doubts or problems are ones who are simply not as evolved and have more growing to do.
It can be easy to start a dialogue about things you have thought about and are fairly comfortable with, yet much less easy in the heat of the moment, mid-anxiety and mid-sex, to say what is going on inside. This takes a whole different set of skills. It begins with honesty, with being in-the-moment with yourself and learning to identifying your own emotions.
Dr. Laura Bergman had an exercise on her sex-therapy show. One partner lays down, while the other stimulates. The receiving partner shares where they are on an arousal scale (from 1-10.) This helps shake you out of your own head during sex, giving your partner an idea what is going on for you emotionally and psychologically.
I can’t help but think, what if that first time I had anal sex, my partner and I had used this number system to communicate how intense it felt. I would have still had the rush of doing something for his pleasure, proving that I could take it, but I don’t think teeth marks would have been left in the sheets or that my anus would still tense up, just thinking about it.
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2 Comments
Holy shit, this is a great article. I’m always in a such a hurry to be sex-positive in social situations that I definitely mis-represent. It’s hard to be open and outspoken about sex and yet forthcoming about the doubts and mixed motivations behind some of the things I do in bed. For me, the desire to challenge stigmas and shame trumps my own discomforts most of the time. And I can live with that, but that’s not necessarily a compromise I tell people–including my partners–about.
The priority has been advocating experimentation and boundary-pushing first and only disclosing how complicated and messy this process has been for me later (if ever!). I might need to rethink this little habit. XP
Thanks so much for posting.
Leks,
Thanks so much
I’m so glad it rang true, I think it is def. something that we all do and should keep in mind.
Thanks for sharing!