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Ask Rabbit: Sharing Sexual Desires & Needs

Rabbit White — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 15:41:13 +0000

Dear Rabbit White,

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for the past three years and recently moved in together. There is a five year age gap between us (he’s older).

When we first started dating, he had very little sexual experience and it was incredible fun to have sex with someone who didn’t have an already formed set of ideas about how their sex life with another person should be. He was open to having fun and exploring my sexual desires, needs and fantasies for the last three years. I have tried to satisfy and explore his sexuality but he refuses to share his needs with me.

I have tried discussing his fantasies with him and have often gotten the reply of ‘I don’t have any’ or ‘I don’t want to share mine with you’. Even then, when we are having sex, if I ask him what he would like, he always responds with suggestions which focus on my pleasure rather than his. While it is nice that he does focus on my orgasm, it also makes me feel really bad. To me, sex should be about taking and giving, and most importantly about sharing.

It has gotten to the point where I now am actually arguing with him about it because an important part of my sexuality is that I want to be able to please my sexual partner and being quite frank, I’m starting to run out of ideas to our sex life fresh. I know I shouldn’t argue with him about it but it’s just so frustrating to feel that your partner feels they can’t open up to you or that they don’t want to open up to you.

So I was wondering if you could shed some light on this issue for me.

Is it normal (I know that’s a pretty relative term in sexuality) for someone not to have any fantasies or to not want to share their fantasies?

How can I relate to him about my need to also satisfy him and my desire to also build an intimate relationship around sharing both our sexual desires?

Hope you can help,
D

Dear D,

I think your letter shows a huge amount of care and empathy about your significant other. Because of this, I am sure that with a little relationship work, this sexual part of your relationship will go far. So let’s address what you are dealing with, this is a personal issue of his. Yet, it becomes an issue for you and I can totally see where this would be frustrating and upsetting on your end.

Before you can move forward with his issue, your own frustration must be addressed. If you hide it, it will inevitably bubble over into resentment, but if you don’t fully explore it, it will keep coming up when you try to talk about his experiences/feelings. You have every right to your feelings too, whether you are pissed, hurt, scared or whatever. Try journaling and focusing on the different parts that come up, perhaps linking to another time you felt this way.

Where you might be now is in a cycle, when you press him about his fantasies, he shoots even further back inside. It becomes a dance, he pulls in, you react, he pulls in further, you react more. Stuck. It is time to stop this cycle.

There is something else that often happens when we get into these cyclical arguments, I’ll call it “the crunch.” This is the worst -case scenario idea that you have about your partner, the most extreme (negative) ideas of what they are really like. When we are put into a “crunch” situation, this worst-case scenario is often highlighted. When you do finally talk to him about this issue, make sure it is not from “the crunch” fear but rather from a place of love, curiosity and empathy for your partner. I think that becoming comfortable with your own feelings and understanding how the cycle triggers you will help you to do this.

When you are in that place, ask him to talk. Take some deep breaths, tell him that you love him and then go. Start by explaining the facts,these are the things that could be picked up by a video camera. Ex: “When we talk about fantasies, you don’t say anything and seem to shut off.” Next, bring up how you interpret that. Ex: “When you do that I interpret it as that you are uncomfortable with me and question whether or not you can trust talking with me about sex.” Next explain how that makes you feel. Ex: “That makes me feel lonely and scared about our sex life.”

After you’ve said your part, open the conversation up to him– about what he feels. When he begins to talk try to only use active-listening, rather than advice giving or weighing in on how you feel again. Active listening involves listening to the speaker, and repeating what they’ve said back to them. It is reflecting that you understand what they’ve said and clarifying the emotion behind their statement. Here are some sites that further explain active listening: 1 , 2, 3

Active Listening Ex:

You: I sense that you pulled away just now.

Him: *Sounds sad* Mhmm…

You: You seem upset about that?

Him: *Arms crossed* I’m not upset, I just don’t know why we have to talk about it…

You: (Clarifying) So you don’t want to talk about it…That is frustrating?

Him: Yeah it is. It’s more like I feel, anxious..

You: (Clarifiying with Emapthy) You feel anxious.

Him: Like my heart is going to explode.

You: (Confirming) That sounds scary.

Keep actively listening until he seems done talking. Eventually, as this topic becomes more comfortable and he wants to explore the issue, you might help guide him inward while using active listening. When he expresses a deep emotion, it might be appropriate to ask “Do you remember another time you felt this way?” or “Tell me more about that emotion/experience” or “what are you feeling now?”

Employing active-listening will not be a band-aid on the situation. It often feels counter-intuitive to talk this way and learning to do it is hard work.

A lighter idea here is that you might want to simply start talking about sex, using the word in a context outside your own bedroom. Talk about sex as a general topic,explore sex-positive topics. Try bringing up something you’ve read that sparks you (maybe one of my blog-posts) and open up conversation about ideas and feelings on the topic. This might help you explore the issue when it isn’t so heavy.

Wishing you the best, D. Thanks so much for writing!

God=You

Rabbit White — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 14:36:06 +0000

Part 1

Part 2

I wanted to share this set of videos, because it is one of the most exciting conversations I have come across in awhile. I’ve not seen something so beautiful and thoughtful on the topic of atheism and de-conversion in, well, maybe ever.

While other atheist memes are quick to point a finger, laughing at “silly christians” this video set manages to bring real reverence and empathy to the topic. “God” is very personal, and I think the topic deserves this level of respect.

My own experience with de-conversion is very different from the author’s. I’m not sure precisely when my own faith in christianity was lost, but it was long ago. I didn’t have to wrestle with bible verses or Jesus, but rather the concept of God and spirituality.

I do consider myself to be a very spiritual atheist, and that is because I know this feeling of “God” hasn’t gone anywhere, the answers to prayers, the guidance, feeling healed and forgiven, these are all things inside of me. They are what many psychologists would call “the self.” I was happy that the author of the video covered this, and did it so well.

God=You is something I find myself coming to time and time again, when talking with mystics or christians. I often find myself replacing the word “God” for “my true self” in my head and it is often astounding how much more sense their point makes. Kind of like when people say “you” when they really mean “I” such as: “you go to work, you feel depressed.” When you hear someone do that, change it in your head to I, and you might be amazed at how much more true, telling and vulnerable their statement is.

God is you. It brings new meaning to Namaste: the God in me bows to the God in you.

Belated Birthday Extravaganza Post

Rabbit White — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 16:05:01 +0000

This collection of images is from my birthday-night, almost a month ago. Each year when my birthday rolls around I can’t help but to freak out a little. And it’s not really about the getting older thing (though that does make my heart skip too) but more about the pressure that is put on birthdays, this one day that needs to be perfect. When I was a kid, my birthday was a really big deal. It was the one day where I always felt special, seen and safe. Kid birthdays and adult birthdays shouldn’t be the same, but I have a hard time letting go of the idea of this special-all about me-day.

On this birthday-morning I realized this was making me anxious and just decided to let go. The whimsy I wanted was still captured, not by planning. The rocks in the picture were gifts from Ned. When I was little, I had a rock collection I was obsessed with, to the point of reading every boring book about rocks I could find. Anytime I had a chance to add a new rock to the collection, I wanted to spend hours picking out the perfect addition. But my parents always hurried my along, as this would usually be on vacation at some touristy souvenir-shop. Ned took me to a crystal, rock and gem shop overfilled with sparkling objects and let me take my time picking out the rocks I wanted.

The pictures above are inside of the birthday-night fort Ned and I built in the living room. The sheets we used were mostly pink giving everything a soft glow and we had tons of pillows and blankets everywhere. Instead of going out as planned we had take-out sushi, sipped pink champagne and ate these delectable cakes in the fort.

Bonus:

What I Wore on Birthday Morning, trotting around for crepes and shopping. I dressed for high-tea but we couldn’t get in, so Ned promised a rain-check which should yield other high-tea outfits

Birthdays are a time to reflect and celebrate life. I feel really good about age 24 but I am ready to inherit and fully embrace 25 with all it has to offer & throw my way. <3

Layers and Vulnerability

Rabbit White — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 18:25:41 +0000

When in a post-turmoil situation, the look that often accompanies is frump: sweatshirts, pajama pants and no make-up. There is something about hiding behind layers of comfy clothes that really does just make you feel better. After a traumatic situation, the last thing you might want to do is put on a persona and paint your face to match. Feelings of vulnerability inevitably bubble over and what ensues is a “don’t look at me” style– but I also think wearing comfy cotton suggests “be careful with me.”

This is my “be careful with me” look and I think it might qualify as frump-chic. It involves only red lipstick for make-up, layered shirts a long skirt and warm comfy boots.

For me, in this situation anyway, the upheaval pulled me to my inner-self. I ended up feeling deeply connected to myself and reflective. What I found interesting about what I wore was the femininity here, the softness. At first I wondered if my “true self” simply favors softer colors, but now I see it as a mode of self-care. I was being gentle with myself and showing that through layers of gentle-looking clothing. Even though it doesn’t always seem it, inside we are all delicate beings, how do you find yourself tending to your softness and vulnerability?

Best of Rabbit Write 2009

Rabbit White — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 14:46:14 +0000

The year is not yet over, and while I don’t want to give the impression of Christmas music in October, I thought a best of 2009 Rabbit Write list was ripely due. I’ve been putting consistent work into Rabbit Write since April of 2009 and the site has garnered over 126 posts. Collected in this round-up are the expected, unexpected, unappreciated and perhaps the over-rated. Most Popular and Readers Choice were chosen by things like hits and comments, so when it came to choosing my favorites I was a bit surprised at what made the cut. Of course some of articles in the first two categories were near and dear…but I found quite a few dusty gems in the rough. Here is a review of some of the highlights:

Most Popular

Like a Virgin “I lost it on a snowy school night in December. Sneaking out of the house around midnight, I held my shoes in my hand as I nervously ran to his car.”
Oprah’s segment on buying your daughters vibrators “But it is not as easy as a few forced conversations and tossing a vibrator in your teenage daughter’s lap. This approach assumes children are things to be managed rather than emotional and sensitive humans, which is infuriating and not true.”
Being in a Relationship…With Yourself “It is one thing to feel good about yourself in moments, but it is quite another to take that fleeting crush and make it in to a long-term relationship.”
Stupid Girl “Yet Paris’ oversexed baby-talk thing is nothing new. Consider, our culture’s ultimate sexual icon of all time: Marilyn Monroe, the real life Barbie who often played child-like (and oversexualized) characters. She was the epitome of sexualization and stupefaction…and why do the two always seem to go together?”
In Praise of Bisexual Men “It takes a lot of self-awareness and courage to probe the fact that you might be bisexual and much more to come out.”
Are you positive you’re Sex Positive? “I think that sex positivity is actually something very hard to reach, something that should be striven for but is in no way easy.”
The Problem with Forgiveness “This was a life-lesson that was often told to me, and upon first glance I always accepted it. It was about love which is good, right? But upon exploring the “virtue” of forgiveness, I think this phrase is meaningless…harmful even.”

Reader’s Choice

YOUR PERIOD. “At this age the last thing I wanted was to feel close to my cycle, close to my body. As I waddled through the musty scented middle school halls, wearing pads that felt like a bed-mattress between my legs, I just felt worried and ashamed.”
What happens when you leave your “hometown” “In the town where I’m from there is an adage about young people who make it out: “They’ll be back. True to the saying, each semester kids who had made it out began appearing in my classes one by one. But why?””
Feminism and Circumcision “Is this really what the feminism movement of the last 50 years + has come to? A girls club, too ready to blame men? Men are not naturally sexist and violent, Women are not born submissive and passive aggressive.”
How Naked Jen got me Naked, an Interview with a Guerilla Nudist “”It was then that I decided to take Jen’s advice and celebrate my own nakedness. I’m not a total prude to nudity, I often find myself mindlessly naked at home as I go about tasks. Yet when it comes to focusing on my naked body and it’s appearance, I often go into self-attack mode
Red Lips/Leather and How did you Meet? “When you ask someone how they met their partner you get to see them re-create a little bit of that instant thin slicing, that first impression that told them “this is the mate I want.” It’s sort of like using science and psychology to explain that lofty love at first sight cliche.”
Psychological reasons behind pet ownership “In order to give our pets the best lives they can have, I think we must understand our own hang ups or projections with pets. With pets just as in all relationships it is key to understand what early experiences or patterns you might be stuck re-playing.”
Do you have an online persona? “To some this may seem like a bad thing, like you are being yourself without your “flaws.” You have control over how you want to be seen and I think it is efficient and interesting.”

Rabbit’s Choice

Oh Make Me Under “That night we went out for night on the town. I got ready, soaking in the bathtub for an hour, moisturizing, choosing my outfit and creating an up-do. Not a dot of concealer was put on my face.”
Listening to Your Inner Child “I suggested we go to the store and let Little Ned and Little Rabbit pick out whatever toy they wanted.”
Wardrobe Stripped & Swapped “With the help of a few glasses of wine it becomes incredibly easy and empowering to throw away in gobs the pieces of who you’ve been. As i dug through and tossed more and more into the bulging bags, I refused to give into ambivalence. I began to feel fashion baptized.”
Finding Spirituality in Atheism “But I do know the feelings that people are trying to describe when they talk about their soul. It’s the very thing that makes you feel alive, that feels wondrous, full of light and energy. In religion and spirituality I think people are all trying to get at the same thing, they are trying to achieve and understand the same feeling.”
The Torrid Affair of the BFF “Perhaps I read too much Joyce Carol Oates and Francesca Lia Block waxing poetic about girl-on-girl friendships, but I took my quest for a BFF seriously. Once I’d caught a desirable girl in my comfy web of friendship, I wanted to hold on for life.”
The Meaning Behind What you Wanted to be When you Grew Up “This explanation fit for me, my answer to “what do you want to be when you grow up” usually was artist. Her words describing the need to be seen, understood and taken seriously rang clearly into the heart of my inner 7-year-old.”
Dear Diary “To me the beauty of journaling is that it’s rough and entirely personal; it is a tool for self discovery and self expression that probably will be mortifying at times. I have stacks of beloved journals from the past few years and with them, I think I’ve finally unlocked the mysterious padlock on why journaling is essential.”

Dark Red Rabbit: New Hair

Rabbit White — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 18:21:05 +0000

I used to be a compulsive hair-dyer. There is just no feeling quite like impulsively picking out a new shade, waiting as it sets in then coming out of the bathroom or beauty salon looking (and feeling) like a different person. While this past obsession might not have been healthy, consciously deciding to change ones looks can be an exciting and creative move. The art of fashion is therapeutic– and hair and make-up are part of fashion.

Yet changing your locks goes much deeper than wearing a pink tu-tu skirt for the day, it is more permanent and it is a change of your face–the first thing anyone notices about you. In the past changing my hair color might have been about wanting to change other things in my life, and I now sort of associate new hair color with change. Before, it was like if i wanted to change something in my life I might begin by changing my hair–and it did usually give me a jumping-off point. Now, it seems when I grow and my life changes I find myself wanting to show this on the outside with a change of self-scenery.

Dying my hair dark did this instantly, but I am also slowly changing my outside appearance (as I slowly grow inside) by growing out my hair. Unlike cutting long hair short, which is a fast and dramatic change, growing your hair takes time. You slowly begin to notice a difference, you can compare month to month progress, measurably knowing how far you’ve grown in 6 months. For me, this becomes an outside mirroring of my inner self work…and I find it comforting.

The only legitimate problem I see with beauty & make-up is the fear that by using make-up or hair dye we are covering where we don’t feel secure. That using beauty products may be reinforcing bad feelings about one’s natural face, hair, etc. Before this dye-job my natural hair had been growing out for months, which I enjoyed. I also often do not wear make-up and like myself au natural. While exploring looks with fashion & beauty can be a positive (evolution also plays a part–which I can explain more in the comments–make-up is our plumage) I think it can only be a positive if we also can experiment with not dying hair or not wearing make-up. My next step in this is to experiment in growing out my arm pit hair–so look out!

How does dying your hair make you feel? What does this physical change do for you emotionally?

Wild Things, Sexual Empathy & Knowing you are Whole

Rabbit White — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 17:20:30 +0000

Photo Cred:Top L: Bruno Dayan Top R Brigitte Sire

Bottom 2: Unknown

Blowfish podcast on sexual empathy and teaching straight people to”fuck like queers.”
The Internal Dialogue A post about recognizing and overcoming self-attack
Why you struggle to connect with others & how to overcome these and start connecting.
Like me, did you always want to read Madonna’s sex book as a kid? Now you can, fully scanned and online!
Greta Christina on the ubiquity of shaving pubic hair
You are already whole: “Drill down, like a miner searching for gold, to the place in you that has existed prior to any learning. You may be going to your birth, or even earlier. What do you find? You will see that who you are before conditioning – that is, the unconditioned you – is whole, free, light, and clear.” This is the True-Self.
Are we Having Sex Yet? Greta asks “Does X Count as Sex? And Does it matter?
Do you make these common mistakes when trying to switch to a more positive attitude?
Five Emotional Vampires and how to combat them! I see some of myself and people I’ve known in here, simplified but efficient tips!

+ The best story I’ve heard in a long time:

“A little boy (maybe 5 years old) wrote to Maurice Sendak [author of ‘Where The Wild Things Are’] telling him how much he loved his books, his drawings, everything about him. As you might imagine, Sendak gets a lot of fan mail, but he was so moved by this one that he wrote the boy back and enclosed an original drawing, just for him. The boy was so overjoyed when he received the drawing that he ate it, the entire thing, every last shred of pulp and ink. His mom wrote back to the author, telling him the story. Sendak was thrilled, saying that that was the greatest compliment he had ever received.” Thanks Gala, from here

♥ ♥ Fafinette Vivant!

Rabbit White — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 17:35:02 +0000

I’m a Fafinette! ♥♥

Sometimes the best costumes are the ones you find in your closet and occasionally, putting them together at the very last moment can be the most fun! This Halloween I came up with a lot of great ideas (Dolly Parton, Tura Satana, Steven King’s Carrie, Miss Yvonne with Ned as Pee Wee) but when it came time for executing them the days creeped up on me–suddenly it was Halloween night and I was without costume. So, a few hours before going out, I went to my closet for brainstorming and came up with this Fafinette costume.

This was a blast to wear, since Fafinettes are just drawings (street art to be exact) they take on whatever personality your imagine them to have. My Fafinette was French of course, and a bouncy, mischievous flirt who loves to dance. I think that half the fun in dressing in a costume is also creating a persona that strikes a chord with you and fits the costume. A big part of costumes is all in the imagination, how it feels to be X, the back-stories you create, what you imagine the costume to conjure up for other people.

What did you dress up as for Halloween? What persona did you create to go with it?

Goth Tendencies

Rabbit White — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 19:35:06 +0000

Before I discovered punk rock at 16 and buried myself in angst and safety pins, I was drawn, moth-to-flame, to some vague notion of goth sub-culture. I wore loads of black and eyeliner, snuck out to meet boys in cemeteries and tried to figure myself out in between Kittie and Fiona Apple songs. I didn’t actually identify as goth…or really even know what it meant (this was even before Hot Topic entered my vernacular) but there was something irresistible about this dark, moody aesthetic.

Indulging this interest proved to be a very powerful affirmation of self, perhaps it was because I was making individual choices for the first time and following my own interests… yet still I wonder what exactly it was is that this goth-like identity did for me. Why did wearing it fit so well? Back then this aesthetic was something of a symbol of reverence. Perhaps it meant that people didn’t have to understand me, but that they would they would take me seriously, or at least understand that I was serious being.

There was also an interest in the morbid (which isn’t too far from healthy curiosity) and a romanticism of all things dark. If you had no control over the bad things in your life, or in all life, romanticizing yourself as simply a dark character can bring a sense of control, even if it is all pure fantasy.

There is still this reflective, creative and misunderstood 15-year-old inside of me. And true with my fashion-as-therapy “What I Wore” philosophy, it is through her layers of dark clothing that she is able to speak, to scream, to weep. It seems she gets triggered every year around Fall, with the crunching of red leaves, and I warmly welcome her with ripped tights and a fresh stick of eyeliner. Do you have any goth-tendencies floating in your past? What did your dark-persona do for you?

Black|White|Red Black|White|Red

Rabbit White — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 17:56:59 +0000

Color Corrects thanks to Oliver Thomas!

If I were to describe my wardrobe during high school, these three colors would be a good place to start. I still regularly wear black and white as a wardrobe staple but once red seeps into the picture, it changes the feel and meaning of the outfit completely. Red brings drama to black and white, it is bold, fierce. To me it represents undying strength, in almost a non-human or superhero (or super villain) sort of way. Back then it made me feel untouchable, these colors screamed “don’t fuck with me.” I think I was unconsciously supplying myself with the boundaries that I needed, in order to combat bullies, up and down friendships and being the weird girl in general. It makes sense that my regalia would be made up of the very colors that represent fierceness and boundaries.

What is interesting is that this outfit, between the black lips, shoulder pads and color palette, is obviously playing this persona to great heights, almost a cartoonish caricature of my teenage notion of “don’t fuck with me” black/red/white. So what was I feeling when I put together this extreme get-up? Again, it was boundaries that I craved, as I was going out to a club to dance with friends, and the club-sphere is a space that I have trouble with, needing to feel extra safe and protected in, but not invisible. You could call this a Super Rabbit costume, my vulnerability protected and strength worn on the outside.

Do you have “don’t fuck with me” looks? How does red, white and black make you feel?

Curiouser and Curiouser

Rabbit White — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 14:39:09 +0000

.photo cred mostly here

The work of over-worrying and what to do about it
This refreshing mix by Curtis Vodka is a must. He describes it’s vibe as “Summer Twilight in Outer Space”
Fantastic podcast by Arman Demille about weather and mood
Vintage Halloween Pin-Ups
Women do it too, all about jilling off
Can I just say THANK YOU Vagina Drum for this piece on the search for an uncircumcised dildo
When you catch yourself in an off mood: How to instantly change your mood
lol & loll two highly recommended webcomics from Broken Pants
No eyebrows are apparently the ultimate disguise, making you unrecognizable
Not-spanking children raises their IQ level
3 keys to help you weed out the irrelevant in your life

extra photo-loves!

photographers unknown

Video: Royksopp and Fever Ray

www.youtube.com/watch?v=4iLkZMCZNmc

Sparkles and Ex-Friend Etiquette

Rabbit White — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 15:52:09 +0000

I’m not quite sure what’s up with this outfit either…but this sparkly number is what I wore recently to a Birthday Party. I went to the party early in the night and it was a pretty small and personal affair. As more guests arrived, I looked up to see some old friends, including someone who I had mostly and consciously cut off contact with.

This running into exes, whether it be old flames or friends can be terrifying…and it got me wondering what is the proper way to handle this situation? When you purposefully don’t see someone anymore, it begs the question…what will you do if you run into them? What is the proper etiquette and further, how do we handle this without getting burned?

Be cordial- I don’t harbor any grudges or bad feelings over my old friendships, which I think should be the goal for anyone when breaking from a relationship. Without grudges there is no reason not to say hello and ask how they are doing, just don’t go overboard with the “we should go out to lunch” fake talk. If perhaps there are some hard feelings I think you can still acknowledge the person, a simple nod and maybe a closed mouth smile will do.
On the street these rules go out the window. If you pass this person on the street, I don’t think you have to stop and say hello. You can keep walking, looking ahead. Or again, you can nod, smile and keep going. Then stop and check in with yourself once you have passed them, breathe.
Don’t get sucked back in. If you end up chatting with your old friend you may find yourself on a familiar buzzing high, feeling that very magnetism that attracted you to them in the first place. But getting quickly sucked down that rabbit-hole again without stopping and processing isn’t going to re-build the relationship. If the cordial chat is going well and you want to pursue something, send them an e-mail the next day saying you were happy to see them, take it very slow.
After the friend arrives at the affair and you’ve acknowledged their presence, excuse yourself to the bathroom and do a “check in” with yourself. What emotions are running through you? Try your best to center yourself. Connect to your wise-self, the part in the top of your head or in your heart, that place that just knows what is right for you. Ask it what to do, should you leave? Should you stay 15 minutes? If you stay, continually check in.
Don’t just start getting drunk. while you may want to go to vodka shots with anyone who will listen to you about how this person stabbed you in the back, that is not going to help anyone. It is likely you’ll wake up with some regrets on top of your hangover. You need to be as clear headed as possible.
When in doubt, leave. You don’t want to end up sucking up all your anxiety as well as theirs or staying in a situation that is simply uncomfortable. Just go home and relax. I honestly think just leaving is the right answer in most ex-situations. Remember, You deserve protecting.
Talk to the Hostess Beforehand! If Hostess is mutual friends with your ex-friends, ask her if they are on the invite list. There is no need to ask her to uninvite them, but now you know what to expect. If on the day-of-party you are not in super centered place to handle it, then simply don’t go. If she offers to cross them off the list, leave that up to her but let her know that it will be uncomfortable for you if said person is there.

Anniversary Outfit +When Anniversaries go bad!

Rabbit White — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 14:08:31 +0000

retouched photo thanks to the talented Oliver Thomas of Scene-There

I wore this princess flowy gown recently for mine and Ned’s 6 month wedding anniversary/2 year dating anniversary. Since the 6 month/2 year anniversary collision only happens once, I was bent on celebrating big.

I was quick to come up with ideas: we could make sushi together at home, oohh and make it into an all-day date by beginning with dim sum for brunch then going to museums. Or we could have a fabulous picnic at the Alfred Caldwell lillypool. Yet every idea I got all sparkly eyed about, Ned only gave a half-hearted “sure.” Finally, I asked him why he wasn’t excited. “Do you not want to celebrate” I asked. “No that’s not it…I do want to celebrate of course, but I just get nervous about planning these big dates.” he said ” Every time we plan something…it goes wrong. You remember what happened last Valentines Day.”

I winced, remembering all too well. Last Valentines Day I had decided that we would have a romantic quiet evening at home. We would stay in and listen to Northern Soul and have a lovely meal. I decided on the menu ahead of time. Champagne and caviar to begin and for the entree: roast duck with beets vinaigrette and wild rice. Chocolate truffles for dessert. I thought this menu would be perfect, we could mingle with our champagne and caviar while the duck and beets roasted, it would be a fairly low maintenance dinner to put together.

I didn’t realize that duck would be so hard to find the week of Valentines Day. The duck we ended up finding came from a small butcher who showed Ned a backroom of live caged ducks, as I ran out of the store gagging.

After I ran out of the store, Ned followed about 10 minutes later. Still in shock, I asked if he got a duck. “Yes” he responded…”Was it alive?” I began to lose it, Ned had picked out a duck, looked into it’s eyes and told the man to kill it!? Ned assured me this was a much more connected, humane way to get our meat. We saw the animal and it seemed healthy, we know exactly where it had come from, unlike meat from grocery stores. Feeling somewhat soothed by this I decided it was okay.

Opening the bag, Ned told me he would take care of the duck. When I went to check on the beets, his skin was a sickly pale-white-purple. He looked awful, but swore everything was fine. The duck was in the oven so we settled in with our champagne.

As we connected he finally told me what was wrong. “The duck still had it’s head on…I had to cut it off.”

When the duck came out of the oven 15 minutes later, neither of us could eat a bite.

The sad thing was, we both knew this could have been stopped, had we been honest. Had I not run out of the store alone, but stopped and told Ned what I felt, or had Ned told me that the duck’s head was on and what he felt we could have saved ourselves this whole travesty. Yet we were each so worried about ruining the special night that we didn’t do anything. We always strive to be honest and vulnerable but in this situation, we let it slip. It would serve as an important lesson for always practicing honesty and being in the moment.

So when Ned brought this up, it reminded me that we need to continually check in with each other and be honest during a big day. But also this time maybe we should plan something a bit more stress-free. So I told Ned to make dinner reservations somewhere.

This anniversary turned out spectacular. We went to Between, a restaurant/lounge where we sat in a private area hidden by stringed-red curtains. We curled up on a comfy couch whispering sweet things to each other and sharing lots of slow kisses. I had the best champagne cocktail, with gin and elderberry liquor. We ate smoked-salmon sweet potato puffs, ahi tuna flatbread and roasted duck with potatoes- which we were able to thoroughly enjoy. The creme brulee trio and blue cheese cheesecake weren’t bad either.

More importantly, we stayed honest, connected and vulnerable the entire time, while engaging in ultra-romance, which give a real rush and is what truly makes for a good anniversary.

What good or bad anniversary experiences have you had?

Dose of Rabbitlinks + Fall Fashion Winner

Rabbit White — Sun, 13 Sep 2009 20:46:49 +0000

All Images Except Top R by Nick Knight, Top Right is by Coco Pit, thanks to Leigh for that find

The Winner of the Fall Fashion contest is Sun Chicka who is dreaming of Fall wool coats and houndstooth prints- Of the 9 eligible entry comments, I randomly choose one with help from random.org. That means sunchicka being the 5th eligible comment is the winner and will be getting a $25 gift card in the mail. Congratulations and thank you to everyone for their interest! I’m excited to run more giveaways in the future. Now onto the weekly links:

Greta Christina on scheduling sex and with that, how to just get in the mood.
How to manage anxiety on an anniversary. I think these tips could also be useful for any *big* day. We often build up days like these to a point where the smallest crack can make it come crumbling down. These tips help to keep it stress-free and memorable.
In the Age-Maps art project by Bobby Neel Adams two photographs from a person’s adulthood and childhood are spliced together, showing a jump in time.
Tips for seasonal depression and light therapy. I use my light-therapy lamp year round, it is on my desk and gets turned on whenever I’m feeling down or stressed.
How to keep First Date conversations going. Because job interviews are kinda like early dating, I think this could also work for interview convos.
Need to be productive? Put on your shoes: “You act differently when you have clothes and shoes on….With shoes on those feet of yours, your mind says, ‘OK, it’s time to go to work.’ You have no excuse for not taking the trash out or putting that box of give-away stuff into the car. You are literally ready for anything.”
A recommended read about personal space and the BDSM community
The secrets of boosting your charisma

I think I am going to try wearing shoes while I work from home. Anyone else ever do this?

So, do you ever schedule sex? I’ve tried but Ned isn’t into the idea…

Also, anyone else use/love light therapy lamps?

xoxo Leaving you with more eye-candy courtesy of Nick Knight

www.youtube.com/watch?v=hO-AIUpzzt0

www.youtube.com/watch?v=81V3VEHzFiA

Fall Fashion + Reader Giveaway!

Rabbit White — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 13:14:14 +0000

So, the lazy warm weather has begun to slip away beneath our toes. September is here, the month of zip-up sweatshirts and fresh school supplies. Living in a city like Chicago, winter feels like forever, winter is always the last one to leave at the party, the house-guest that always overstays their visit.

There is one sure-fire way that I have found to survive the icy winters and also help ward off feelings of seasonal depression that waft in with the cooler air. That secret is to get into fall and winter fashion, creating a bundled-up outfit that you feel good about.

Around this time every year I begin winter-coat and accessory shopping. Because I am a thrifty gal I do this through vintage-thrift finds and a yearly trip to a TJ Maxx or Marshall’s. Last year at TJ Maxx I found a beautiful black angora Calvin Klein winter coat (pictured last) priced at half of what it was originally, it truly got me through the never-ending winter. I still regret not also buying the Calvin Klein black pleather trenchcoat with crazy buckles that hung next to my find. So it wasn’t as functional but it would’ve gone beautifully with the neo-goth look I was donning last fall.

This fall I am dreaming of a wardrobe in the shade of nude, mauve and pale pink. I imagine I’ll need a mauve colored coat with a burgundy beret and burgundy lace-up boots, or perhaps an all-gray ensemble to wear over my pink and cream palette.

Give-Away!

What will you be wearing this fall? Comment to win a $25 gift certificate from TJ Maxx, tell me what your dream-y fall fashions are, what the weather has you looking forward to wearing, or what your favorite looks from summer were–because the other great thing about winter-coat shopping is getting your favorite summer-looks at fall-prices! Winner will be chosen randomly, contest ends Sunday September 13, winner will be announced on Monday the 14th. Good luck!

My fall-looks gallery, click thumbnails for bigger images: