Unless you were one of the few golden, good looking kids in middle school, you remember the embarrassing thirst for popularity, the fantasy of being a small part of that spotlight. Ever since grade school I can remember a pressure to fit in, and even then I felt disconnected from others kids. Before the pre-teen emergency wish to be popular I was kind of okay with my being the odd one out; I knew I didn’t quite want to be like them anyway.
But around age 15, those awkward wishes began to come true, I made the duckling-to-swan transition and started to mesh with the cool kids.
Now that I was cute, I was allowed to hang in circles of other cute girls and I quickly realized that to be a part of this girl-culture there were many unspoken rules. There were parts of myself that had to remain hidden from my friends, namely intelligence. With my girlfriends (and therefore in all social situations) showing any signs of intelligence or independent thought was a big no-no. If I said something with an ounce too much brain, my friends would look at me like I was smoking my cigarette backwards.
In the past few years this dumbed-down girl culture has been targeted by Oprah, Pink and scores of internet-feminists. Damaged, ditzy starlets have become scapegoats for this “stupid chic” trend. Yet Paris’ oversexed baby-talk thing is nothing new. Consider, our culture’s ultimate sexual icon of all time: Marilyn Monroe, the real life Barbie who often played child-like (and oversexualized) characters. She was the epitome of sexualization and stupefaction…and why do the two always seem to go together?
This is where the playing dumb gets an object: guys. This clueless, eyelash batting somehow became our culture’s ideal of a woman. From a young age we learn this is the way we are to act if we want to be attractive. I think there is no question that damaged women are often seen as sexy. This blank minded, boundary-less flirting reeks of damage; of victimization, a play on regression to childhood, a nod toward pedophilia and after effects of sexual abuse. This is the damage that is so often sexually idealized, that women are taught to re-create in order to be sexually desired.
Why is this? Maybe, many men are damaged themselves and they need a partner to mirror their unconscious trauma, to normalize their own sexual unhealthiness. Or perhaps this is just the male fantasy that is beaten into their minds. In my experiences, girl-culture also encouraged this behavior. I was often more apt to act dumb around guys if my girl-friends were around.
Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve been aware of the stereotypes that come along with a pair of X chromosomes. I can remember being three years old and feeling that maybe I was more of a boy because of this. In my toddler-mind women were made up of cleavage, flirtations and playing dumb. Between seeing modern damsels in distress on daytime TV and the female role models in my life hiding their rationality and intelligence behind attractiveness, I knew that being a girl meant putting on an act. Even then it felt sexualized.
When I meet new people or am put into social situations it is often hard not to fall back on acting dumber than I am or sometimes acting overtly sexual. It is often much more comfortable to put on these old masks than it is to show my true self.
After being in a social situation or even during, I have found it helpful to check in and ask myself: Are you speaking your mind? Are you being intellectually shy? Are you covering your anxiety with ditzy or over-sexualized ticks?
Since this is pounded into our psyche early on this act can become a part of us. We might not even realize that we are acting ditzy, it becomes second nature, or a defense. So often, we aren’t encouraged to live up to our mind’s potential or even discover what that is. It is easier to just let the media and our family and peers tell us how we are supposed to act and think. It’s like the masses of people who just listen to whatever is on the radio…it’s easy, it doesn’t require thinking, it is the path of a follower not a leader. But it is the path that is cut out for us.
What are your thoughts and experiences with the dumbing-down of girl culture?
Subscribe to my blog!
Subscribe to my podcast!Related posts:
9 Comments
An interesting post again.
Speaking as a man, I actually find intelligent and stimulating women to be more attractive. Okay, that’s just me. But, if you want THE most devastating style for men, by far THE most attractive type, it is a combination of the two: attractive and girly but with a mind like a razor. If you can balance the two, then the world is yours.
There are quite a few examples of this ‘ultimate female.’ One that leaps to mind is a British model, Melinda Messenger, who is wonderfully good looking and girly but has a university education and a ton of common sense. In rebellion against the trend you outline, I have also noticed a number of attractive ‘experts’ on TV, who employ their feminine wiles and then impart complicated information.
So, you are right, stupid women are enjoyed by stupid men, but if you want to attract men worth having, don’t be afraid to be smart and use those feminine traits together. You will be invincible!
The ingenious smile and batting eyelashes are a kind of power, if there is a superior intelligence behind it all perhaps it is best to keep it hidden in most cases and wield it without having the burden of being responsible. We men may or may not like smart girls but one thing we generally can’t tolerate -like a woman taller than us- is a woman smarter than us.
Those batting eyelashes can serve to eliminate the feelings of competition and the brains behind them can serve to steer the partnership where the woman wants it to go on this voyage called “my life.”
Sure there are many of us out there, wandering around thinking that we want an open honest partner who acts rationally and with purpose and who makes goals and takes them, but the reality is that we humanity are mostly made up of non-thinkers feeling our way, directionless, through life.
A smart woman can orchestrate a man to obtain her goals (which can be of course mutually beneficial) and the most effective way is to never open show her power or force of mind to him. In my experience, eyelash batting and sweetness(with the spectre of withdraw) is the key that gets through a man’s barrier most constantly and certainly is a more effective approach than badgering or yelling one’s partner.
I think that is the way humanity works and has pretty much since. . .ever. Some girls just understand the patterns from an early age.
Now I won’t say that a partnership of the kind is the way to really experience the meanings of life, but understand that if you are the kind of person who has to go beyond, has to always ask why, ask how and then search for the answers until you reach them, then you are a rare type and need to understand that your trek is. . .yours, and you will probably travel most of it alone.
I augur that you will find interesting travelers along the way.
Whenever I hear the word “culture”..
The adolescent culture that you describe is part of the state-mandated schooling system, and children who are not subjected to that, such as homeschoolers, are much less part of that “culture.”
So my thought for you is “end the state.”
Keith, I agree, I think it takes a mature woman with self-esteem to be comfortable with both. But just as it is difficult for a woman to be comfortable in her intelligence it can also be hard to be at ease with her femininity. I think that you touch on another issue, that women can be seen as smart or funny or strong as long as they are still traditionally feminine. It seems our culture is sort of stuck on adhering to traditional gender roles. This is something I have problems with myself because although I love being a woman and my femininity, I still sometimes feel confused about whether or I’m truly celebrating my femininity or just adhering to set gender roles. Interesting question.
Jim, the women you describe are all of the women in my family. They are way smarter than the men and they totally orchestrate everything behind coy glances and playing dumb. I saw this pattern from an early age, and realized that it was fucked up, a skewed reality is a hard thing for a child to see… as I mentioned it made me decide that maybe I was a boy. Yep, I’m on that lonely path and I’ve got to say the view from up here is beautiful…
Heuristic,
YES. I could not agree with you more!
I think we have become confused in modern times about what the roles of the sexes are. In truth, the real ‘traditional’ role of the woman was a lot stronger than we are lead to believe. The whole situation has been messed up by the media and progressive thinkers, so much so that what I am saying is probably highly unpopular but that doesn’t stop it being right.
Women have to stop trying to be men and men have to stop trying to be women. Oh, no, what have I said? I have heard it said that men and women are equal but different. Past generations of my family have included feminine but strong women. They are just more subtle in their strength. Maybe we just need to get comfortable with that – comfortable and confident.
I must agree with Keith, I find witless or weak females to be far less attractive. Who wants a mate they have to prop up, think for, or save every fifteen minutes or so? I’ve always admired intelligent, strong women. One doesn’t spend all day, every day in bed…so it’s nice to have a partner that can hold an interesting conversation. Heck, hopefully she can pound some thoughts into my thick skull.
Keith, I think that men should feel good and proud about being men, and women should feel just as proud about being women. The problem is that we don’t. The modern male is not taught to appreciate his masculinity, but rather feel guilty about it. Women are sometimes not taught to appreciate their femininity, as that might make them adherent to the patriarchy’s set gender roles, so they too feel guilty. What is then interesting is the biological and evolutionary difference between men and women, the innate differences that we can celebrate. However I don’t see a set-back to gender roles of the past as an answer. Since (around) the 14th century, the view was that women were less than men, weaker, the damaged sex. Their gender roles were applied with this “common knowledge.” I think that gender has always been messed up, I don’t see any point in history when we got it right. I’m not sure what needs to happen for men and women to feel good about their gender, it might be different for everyone. Perhaps it is finding those good things from the past, as you’ve said. But unless we allow for gender fluidity there will always be people who don’t perfectly fit into masculinity or femininity who will continue feeling guilty and bad.
Tymothy, I am right there with you. To me there is no bigger turn off than a beautiful woman playing dumb. And an intelligent partner is a must.
This, I think, is a pretty great post. I can identify with a LOT of what you’ve written, the way that it’s so easy to fall into playing the part you’ve learnt. Even though it is NOT how you want to be. I can remember it being the weirdest feeling, suddenly snapping to the realisation that I was flirting with my Physics teacher when I was thirteen and being horrified and embarrassed and unsure how to continue the conversation, because a change in attitude *would* be noticed, and I was shy. I hadn’t meant to flirt; he was in no way attractive to me, but he was an adult male and had extra power over me because he was my teacher, and the only way I knew how to find confidence or the backing to converse in that situation was to invoke “sexual power”. As in, “like me so you won’t hurt me, I’m only a kitten”. Without even realising. When I was *thirteen*.
I am so much happier now that I’m brave enough to try to meet the challenges that come with purposefully setting down that fake shield.
Claire,
Thank you so much for your kind words and support. The story you paint of you and your physics teacher is (sadly) totally relate-able. Thanks so much for sharing your lovely insights!