In girl-world, the title of Best Friend is not taken lightly. You can only have one BFF and with that title comes a pact, to be best friends is forever. The confines on being a BFF are blurry, it seems best friends know no boundaries. In film and literature we often see the best friend relationship treated as a true “soul mate”, the best friend as one’s life partner. Finding that best friend can be a harrowing journey. I have always fantasized that there was one perfect friend out there for me, my photo negative in girl form, a star crossed twin with whom I would ride wildly into life.
These intense BFF relationships seem to form at adolescence, as children naturally pull away from their parents and begin to flirt with independence, moving their focus from family life to their peers. This was true for me, and marked the beginning of a long list of fiery friendships. From adolescence on, I found distaste for girl group-dynamics and felt much more comfortable taking on one close friend.
Perhaps I read too much Joyce Carol Oates and Francesca Lia Block waxing poetic about girl-on-girl friendships, but I took my quest for a BFF seriously. Once I’d caught a desirable girl in my comfy web of friendship, I wanted to hold on for life.
Having just one close friend makes for an intimate relationship. Which for me, always sort of bordered on romantic. I think this romantic aspect is an unspoken rule of being BFF’s. For instance, I can remember feeling burning jealousy over my best friend’s ex-best-friend in high school. Also, the amount of presents we would get each other for birthdays and Christmas were astounding and more like the caliber of cash you’d fork over for a significant other. Not to mention the whole sleeping cuddled side by side and bathing together (in swimsuits!) thing that my BFF and I used to do.
If all of this gushy blood-oath forever stuff seems a tad girly, you are actually on to something. A FMRI study found that there are inherent gender differences in our friendship styles. According to the study, girls are hard wired to care about one-on-one relationships with a best friend while boys prefer group dynamics and competition with each other.
The study also investigated social interaction among teens. It found that when girls were faced with meeting a prospective friend their brain activity sky-rocketed. Activity increased in areas associated with reward and motivation, hormone secretion, social learning and subjective feelings. Boys however showed no increase in these areas. This seems natural when I think about how I react when meeting another fun girl (giddy, sparkly-eyed and fast talking) versus how Ned acts when faced with a new friend (cool, funny, relaxed.)
From an evolutionary stand-point, it has been suggested that women feel an extra need for closeness in friendships because during hunter-gatherer times (ah yes, cheetah tunics), pregnant women or women with young children were more vulnerable and needed extra protection, care and support — especially when the men were out hunting. It makes sense then that these intense friendships would form during puberty, as young women become fertile. However it is hard to separate nature from nurture as culturally, girls are encouraged from a young age to “play nice” and form close bonds. Best Friends Forever is an idea that is introduced earlier than puberty.
As I imagined this perfect star-crossed BFF in my younger days, I realize now that my ghost-friend’s characteristics were never static. Sometimes I would crave a wild friend who would introduce me to underground parties in the city or other times I might wish for a friend who spends her time reading philosophy and is a great conversationalist. What is important are the qualities I imagined her to posses — whether it’s courage and discipline or a sharp tongue and self confidence — were always things I needed to find in myself. The friend I always dreamed of was a metaphor, together we were the whole version of myself.
I’ve done the obsessive till-the-end BFF thing and after having been burnt more than twice, I naturally shy away from the label of best friend. I am still searching for close friends. I’m not sure exactly what I am looking for in a friend, or what I need filled. I do know for sure, whoever my ghost-friend is she would be someone with whom I can discuss the obsession and cazy-ness of the female BFF.
Image by Fafi
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10 Comments
ooooh! cool post. thought provoking.
I felt great warmth reading this. You cover topics that are recognized by a part of me that is VERY happy to see them in words.
I have had a best female friend since childhood, and relate to the intense jealousy and magic verging on manic excitement that can appear in them.
You have a great point, that like in romantic relationships, them fitting a blueprint won’t mean much apart from pain unless they are self aware enough to talk about their, and your attraction to each other, what you both want from the friendship and whether you are truly seeing each other.
Thanks for writing this!
XX
Love the fafi image!
Leigh´s last blog ..Babydoll Dreams
I can relate to every word. Almost all of my past friendships have been romantic, but they never worked out. I dream of my ideal friend incessantly. I feel like it’s a crucial part of my life, yet she is missing. It sucks. I’m almost at the point of no return. Sometimes I feel like giving up, but I try to stay positive and patient.
I never use the term “best friend” anymore, maybe because it sounds so juvenile and therefore I associate it with juvenile thinking. I’m jaded. I don’t believe in those terms like most other people do.
Thanks everyone for also sharing your experiences! Glad to see that I am not the only one with a past of “romantic” friendships. Just seeing you ladies on here talking about the search for a friend has me thinking: what if there were connection sites, like dating sites but for friendship? I am into the concept but am weary as to people would actually use them for solely friendship.
Wow.
A site dedicated to finding the friend you always wanted could really take off as it must be a deep craving for loads of people! Tapping into that could yield amazing results.
BFF the site.
With all the dating sites already out there plastered with adverts with boobs stating ‘meet me in your area’, it would be pretty weird if people looking for more than friends would sign up to a friendship site..
A few would, I doubt loads, and the idea has so much potential regardless.
Brilliant idea Rabbit
I can very much relate to this – my BFF and I were almost like two halves of the same person. We always knew exactly how to bring out each other’s strengths, and set up each other’s jokes. We spent all our time together, and people always thought we were dating. Even though we haven’t really been close since high school, I still physically miss her presence every day. I don’t think I’ll ever have another friend like her.
Also, I think your “friend dating website” is a good idea. I find it notoriously hard to meet friends these days.
Miss Peregrin´s last blog ..What I Wore Today, Volume Nine
Wow!! This post is just…Wow! I have had the same best friend since I was 3 years old. That’s 21 years. Our relationship has been “romantic” although i never would have realized it without this post.
She’s the first person I go to when i’m sad, and i’m the first for her. I love her more and more everyday. We’re at the same exact point in our lives…all the time. We do things the same way at the same time. It’s a relationship I can’t begin to describe, but would love for everyone to have their own personal understanding of what a friendship like ours really means!
TIffani´s last blog ..Inspiration…
Cat- Good point about their being loads of sites plstered with T & A
Miss Perengrin: I am starting to take this BFF site srsly, seeing you guys interested in it! I know what you mean btw about feeling you’ll never find another friend like that…that’s why I feel like I have to re-define what a Best Friend is. I loved the relationship I had like that, but I don’t think I could do it again, nor do I want to.
Tiffani- Lovely to hear that you’ve held onto your BFF. Since you are acknowledging the romance, why not embrace it and bring her flowers and chocolates? I think hat would be lovely, let me know if you do!