As teenagers, my friends and I had a distinct way of talking. Our daily vocabulary was peppered with specific slang and certain voice pitches and patterns. In high school it seemed most girl cliques had code-words and inclusive ways of talking. How you talked let people know what group you were with; like a secret language.
If I were to hang out with my friends from high school I think we could revert pretty quickly back to a generic version of our old code. And I think there is a good chance that without even talking about it we would retrogress.
One of my exes had a thick Southern hick accent. One Fall he came to visit me in Chicago, he arrived in the evening and we immediately started partying and bonding like old friends. My best friend at the time called around 11 or 12 wanting to come party with us. “Rabbit?!” she repeatedly asked over the phone, obviously confused. “Yes, come over” I said laughing at her befuddlement. The next day she said she could not believe it was me on the phone. “You did not sound like you at all” she stressed. ” You were talking with this Southern accent and I was so confused! I had no idea what was going on!”
I think this phenomenon goes beyond just being nostalgic. I have found myself changing the way I speak when I meet someone new or am getting to know them. It’s like I unconsciously and instantly read them and then find myself using words I normally wouldn’t or spontaneously talking in a different manner. A friend who was in the midst of wedding planning once told me that she had started talking like her fiance’s sisters. She was aware that she was doing it, but that didn’t stop her…she just couldn’t figure out why she was talking like that.
It is clear in the high school scenario that the outsider’s accent must change, it is about conformance and loyalty to the group. But in a first meeting how is it decided who will bend? When I alter my way of talking, I think I do it in order to make the other person feel more comfortable.
I think this is linked to processing other people’s emotions for them. If you’ve ever felt bubbling embarrassment for someone else or angry and upset after listening to a friend vent (while they are left feeling relaxed), you are probably a processor. Often, as processors we end up feeling dumped on by our friends. A friend calls to say hi (but just ends up airing their problems) and before you know it the phone call ends and you are left with anxiety and a black mood. An easy way to tell if you are feeling other people’s emotions is if those emotions are unbearable, if the emotion feels to heavy or too much it is probably not yours.
So when I am around someone who feels uncomfortable it would make sense that I process this and my brain would quickly come up with ways to ease their distress. We are sensitive to tone and inflection so changing the way you speak makes a difference. I think this is especially the case when meeting up with old friends. There is always a little bit of fear that your old friend is going to be someone new when you re-connect, that the old bond won’t be there, which is scary. Reverting back to an old accent or way of speaking helps to create comfort and diminish some of those instant fears.
A notion exists that if you easily change your accent then you are not being “real” which is not quite fair. I think this idea of “unrealness” has to do with the massive and often insecure pride that people feel about their own lives, choices and a fear of change. But if you’ve ever moved far away you know that it doesn’t take long to begin to naturally drop an old accent. I think what is key is to notice when you are changing the way you talk, and check in to see why. With that I think you can learn a lot about yourself and whoever’s talk you are emulating.
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4 Comments
I mimic other people’s speech patterns too. I think it’s a lot like how we mimic body language, which is something people say we do when we are interested and comfortable and generally developing rapport with people.
Both of them make me really self conscious when I notice I’m doing them, which just makes me do it worse. It’s weird.
I don’t think this phenomena necessarily happens with everyone, or maybe they adjust their dialects and accents at different rates. Because, I’ve lived in several countries and studied a decent amount of languages while living abroad and my Southern IL/Seattle mezcla jumble speech never changed or adjusted to German or Dutch or Spanish or even my English girlfriend’s way of speaking at all. I feel you though, because SOMETIMES, just sometimes, I notice a little teeny tiny bit of Harrisburg come out of my mouth while and ONLY while I’m there.
I like this article though, Rachel.
Samantha,
Great point. I think body language is totally key in this as well, it is a huge part in how we talk and communicate.
I think we shouldn’t feel embarrassed, after all it is kind of sweet that someone would be paying such attention to pick up on little things like that.
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I’ve observed the opposite, actually. I’m Australian and the one thing that people always say as soon as they meet me is that they’re going to start picking up my accent. It has never, ever happened, though some people have totally faked it to try to impress me. (It doesn’t.)
My friends and I, even now, have our own little patois…it’s funny to see how people are picking up on it, even through a medium like Facebook. Goofy spellings and code words…I guess were all still ten when you get down to it.
Just found your blog, loving it!