Rabbit Write

When Ned and I first met there were lots of fabulous dates, gazing at each other across restaurant tables with glittering bedroom eyes, playing footsie between witty banter and intense conversation. But my cool play would come to a freezing stop when the check was dropped between us. Panic and fear filled me. Should I offer? What should I do? I was a ball of nerves. Even when I wanted to offer, it was hard to find the assertiveness to pay on a date. Ned was extremely gentlemanly, quickly and happily paying with no fuss, and I truly appreciated his generosity. Yet, I don’t think it should be a rule that the man pays. This topic ferociously splits people and the rules of etiquette are contradictory, so what is going on here? In hetero pairings, who should pay for dates and why?

I recently attended a new media summit where one of the panels was on relationships. The guest female sexpert argued that men should always pay for dates. I’ve researched this line-of-thinking online and read several accounts of women who offer to pay, then are horrified when the man accepts. The women who make this argument often cite reasons like, chivalry and decency and rooting out cheap-bastards. Honestly, I think it just makes the women sound cheap…at first glance this strong opinion appears rooted in nothing less than the fact that they simply don’t want to pay. I think these women need to start getting honest with themselves about why they are doing this and what they are looking for. Perhaps their top priority is a partner who can take care of them, emotionally and monetarily. If so, I think that there is nothing wrong with looking for men who are willing to pay for dating, but that doesn’t make it a rule.

The sight of the check in mine and Ned’s early dating was somehow triggering areas of low self esteem, lack of confidence, the need for male protection and probably much more for me. But consciously, the check was scary because I was flat broke. When we were first dating Ned was already out in a real-world job and I was in college, in between college-world jobs. I do think that whoever makes more should pay for more dates, it just makes economical sense.

One popular way around the who should pay debacle is going dutch, which seems like a fool-proof method. I personally do not like going dutch. To me, splitting the bill is reserved for non-romantic encounters: friends, colleagues, acquaintances or a date you are just not that into. One problem with going dutch is that it sets the precedent for how your dating will be, if that is how you prefer it, perfect. But to me dating is about treating each other, by taking each other out you are taking care of each other, you aren’t just two bodies in a space.

So I say, take turns paying. If you want to be sure to stay out of dutch territory, never settle on splitting. If  your hot date suggests going dutch simply say “I’ll get this one.” Offering to pay the whole tab is a way of showing your appreciation, showing that you had a good time, it is a gift. However, if you didn’t have a good time, go ahead and split.

In the end, it is really all about your comfort level. There are traditional reasons why “the man pays” rule still holds up for some. The date-rape statistics are much higher with male perpetrators, so perhaps him paying establishes trust. Or maybe in order to keep out of the gendered power play (or sex expected for money spent) you are more comfortable going dutch. Women have also been found on an evolutionary level to be pickier, so maybe it makes sense for you to not pay until you are interested. It is all about finding a happy medium where both you and your partner are comfortable.

Regardless of who pays, there needs to be reciprocation. Maybe your partner cooks all of the meals, and you pay for outings. Or perhaps it is something less tangible, you give yourself emotionally and creatively to your partner and expect them to want to pay for dates with you. This reciprocity is key and can come in many forms…but when dating it is important to ask yourself if this is something you are receiving.

Money is a dirty word, not something that we are taught to talk about (especially on dates.) But communication with yourself and your partner about money are key. For instance, I could have dealt with my bill-anxiety by practicing before hand what I would say or do when the check came, or simply talking with Ned before the date about my anxiety and lack of funds. It sounds like such a simple answer but being honest and up-front is a mindbogglingly easy and swift approach, though understandably scary in the moment.

Where do you fall on the “who should pay” argument?

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