Rabbit Write

So let’s talk about your list, meaning your number, that mental tab you keep of everyone that you have slept with.  Most of us have one yet it’s not something we really talk about. There is a stereotype that men are more open about this, their list equaling bragging rights. While I don’t think this is necessarily true,  I also don’t think we ladies talk as openly about our conquests the way that  some men seem to: openly, joyously and with pride.  It is more of a secret kept for diaries and maybe one BFF.

So how does your list make you feel? In the past for me, my list was something I derived a great sense of power, of pride and even comfort from. Some women collect shoes, getting a sense of pleasure from  having an enviable collection of footwear in their closet. I collected sexual partners. When I needed some soothing or uplifting thought patterns I liked re-counting images of all of the people I’d slept with, imagining them sweaty, dirty, ready for a fight. If that isn’t ridiculous enough I also liked imagining someone  locking them all  in one room, maybe with some music and drinks, forcing them to interact. Would they guess what they all had in common? Who would get along? Who would already know each other? I sense the makings for a reality TV series in this.  I don’t think I am alone here, surely other women feel a sense of pride about the notches in their bedpost. But why isn’t this something we talk about?

Our number isn’t something we really talk about in general. My own number falls somewhere  between 20-30, Probably around smack dab in the middle, but it’s cloudy. I should’ve been taking more notes at age 22.  I think my number is probably not off the charts from the average considering my age and how much I partied during my college years and ‘cuz it’s MY number.  But I wouldn’t know if it is actually normal or not, since asking someone their number is totally taboo. Can you imagine if it weren’t? What if for one day everyone had to wear their number pinned to their chest, free for all to see: on the bus, in the office, at the bar. It is funny and silly but something about this feels sort of freeing. The no-no of number-telling  is true for both men and women. If there is anything I learned from dating/sleeping with gads of dirty hipster boys, it is this: 1.) Dirty hipster boys have tried crack …I don’t know why, I think maybe it is just something  they do…like playing the guitar or making poop jokes. 2.) With most guys you are just dating (or whatevering) asking their number freaks them out. They may get uncomfortable, offended or lie and possibly recite a shockingly high digit with dirty details.

Of course with lying, ladies are just as bad. I would be a liar myself  if I ever listened to the advice my Mother gave me: “Cut your number in half if he asks” (this puts HER number into a shocking perspective….maybe knowing your parent’s number is a boundary that shouldn’t be crossed)…or the advice that my friends have given me: “No, cut your  number in half then cut it in half again.” Had I taken this approach I would also probably not be  in the awesome relationship that I am in now.  Sure, there are lots of reasons why people may lie. Maybe guys feel embarrassed or inadequate if their lady has slept with more people than they have.  For some women perhaps it feels like a shameful thing that they need to hide about themselves. I think it’s really sad in both cases and I hate the stigma around it for both sexes. But when it comes down to it a part of me also thinks these are just excuses. You can only have true intimacy with complete open-ness and honesty, it takes strength but it pays off.

But when you are in a relationship the “How many before me” question is inevitable. This is also scary. What do we fear our partner’s reaction would be? What do we fear our reaction to our partner’s number will be? When it does come down to the telling-time I think there is alot of emotion packed in…and how we react may be very telling about how we feel about our own sexual escapades.  Sometimes hearing about our partner’s number incites in us anger or sadness or jealousy. While this may be because of the details told or the way it was delivered…there still seems to be something off here. Why would the consensual sex your partner had before ever meeting you have this much of an effect? Doesn’t this seem a bit severe?

While every situation is different and there are many factors present in each, I think what may  be going on in these situations in some unconscious projection. This could be projection of feelings about  your own number, un-processed one night stands or entire relationships that are emotionally unexplored.  For instance, if you had a kneejerk emotional reaction when I stated my number above…this may be something that you need to explore within yourself. Don’t get me wrong, I know the images of hot bartenders that get conjured up when hearing your partner’s number are not fun. Still, I think the list can hold many mysteries about our own sexuality and collective views on sex and relationships

Photo By: Ryan McGinley

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